-His ribs stick through his skin.
It’s still not enough. No amount of pills could make him lose weight any faster. He is ‘just being weak’, he says to himself. He forces his tired eyes awake in the pale purple hours of the morning to run.
He drags his already emaciated body to the scale.
***.*. It is still too much.
He must free his body from destructive, putrid food. He longs for the day when it reads **. Rattling breath and shaking hands won’t stop him. His once immaculate body now painted with an array of bruises. His mind greets him with a fantastic flurry of colors and shapes. He cannot ignore the light-headedness he feels, or the shadows and dark shapes that dance before his disillusioned eyes. As the room grows faint, he feels himself being pulled to the floor. He is gone.
As his ribs stick though his skin, he asks himself. ‘Is it really worth it?’-

Any comments on it?

thx Allison for your kind words.
Hope, you had all lovely christmas days and enjoyed yourselves?
I am proud of me….didn`t gained weight and now it is still work which holds me on the bottom^^

Love Ally

It’s so great that you managed to enjoy Christmas - this is the first one I’ve really truly enjoyed in a long, long time so I know how great it feels. Big hugs to you! XXX

Anyway, I am doing really well with recovery. It’s really fucking hard, but overall I think I am doing a pretty awesome job with staying on track. The holidays have been really hard, not gonna lie, but I am hanging in there. This is the first time I have made it through the holidays without using any symptoms and getting completely shitfaced in YEARS and it feels pretty fucking good. I have been able to spend quality time with my family without using the eating disorder or having to be drunk. The thoughts and urges, however, are still there which is really annoying. But they are just thoughts and urges and the beauty of it is I don’t have to act on them! There are 13 people staying in this house so there is plenty of distraction which was really chaotic at first, but kind of works in my favor. When all else fails, distraction is always good!

I better get back to the fam, I just wanted to take advantage of my parents computer and say Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and I hope everyone is doing well!

Ashley

-c

i have not read wasted in several years. i gave it to my husband three years ago and asked him to take it to the used bookstore. not because i didn’t love it, but because i needed a break. apparently i would become symptomatic when i read it. i didn’t even realize it was happening. but i was pregnant for the second time, at that time, and i didn’t want anything to come between me and my health, so i decided i could check it out from the library if i needed to read it again.

then i went on and lived a full, healthy, recovered life. recently, i have found myself researching ed, watching people’s docs on youtube, geting triggered. thinking maybe i can go back. maybe i can try it again. in fact, i found this site in my quest for triggers, as ashamed of that as i am. i am being brutally honest here.

marya, i realize now that this quest is foolish. you are here, alive, encouraging people to stay healthy. i am a semester away from graduating with a masters in social work, in training to be a therapist, so close to my own dreams of success. i have not been anorexic for over five years. thank you for reminding me to look outside myself. i don’t have to go back there. i don’t really want to.

part of this process tonight was when i met with a new therapy client and discovered that she may have an eating disorder. my little world of ED revisited came crashing down all around me as I watched her struggle. i don’t want to go back. i can’t go back. i honestly thought i had moved on, but maybe i had to visit for a few days to remember why i don’t want to move back permanently.

sorry if this is disjointed, and thanks to all for listening.

to staying in the present moment.

-c

Hey Allison,

Its nice to hear from you. Did you hear back about your insurance yet? How are you dealing with things day to day right now? Write back often. I promise to write you back aswell.

:]

Click here

Sasha

I’m glad to see you speak up. It sounds like it hasn’t been all that easy for you lately. But I think I might be able to illustrate something by quoting you:

“It has been a long haul out of relapse and I’m still in the process.”

It’s almost an understatement to say that it’s a long haul out of relapse. It can take some people most of their lives to figure a way to find peace with themselves and others may never be able to find that path. You had enough heart inside of you to speak up here and show that you need help. Thats not easy to do and I think it shows you the general direction that a big part of you wants to follow. Just because you slip of track sometimes doesn’t mean that you will always keep slipping. You are wise enough to recognize the behaviors that preceed the loss of control, so I hope that you can try and use that awareness to break the habit. You are going to need help to be able to do that and talking to me or anyone else here isn’t going to be enough by itself. If you feel like you are losing control the only thing I can reccomend is that you talk to someone professional. Above anything else at least keep talking. Sometimes life makes more sense when you take it one day at a time. Slow things down and remember the things that are important to you and to your family.

And I’ve got a deal for you, next time you get the urge to make yourself throw up *DON’T* and then come on here and tell me one of your favorite stories about your two boys or whatever you like. The more endearing the better. I promise you that if you can do that that you’ll become my favorite person for that day. And you’ll be welcome to be my favorite person any other day that you like aswell.

:]