blog.maryahornbacher.com

“Well, after this I should think nothing of falling down stairs.” - Alice to the Cheshire Cat after falling down the rabbit hole.

ed posts prior to October 2007

Tuesday, June 28th 2005
6:25 AM
Whatever, Whenever

Post here when you just want to chat about anything under the sun—EXCEPT SYMPTOMS! Have fun!
739 Comment(s).

Posted by Tam-:
wohooo! updateeeeeee! (!)
Well actually i was about to go to my school-gym class, but i thought i´d check this ummm ‘board’ first, so here i am, and since im in the ‘Whatever, Whenever’ section let me tell you that this saturday im going to a warhol’s expo yeah!
so that’s all my ‘whatever whenever’ talk.

(?)
Tuesday, June 28th 2005 @ 11:10 AM
Posted by Mari:
That sounds awesome. I love Warhol. I’m here because I’m having collage-gluers-block. Argh. Back to the magazines (they are giving me a headache because I haven’t extracted the perfume pages yet.
Tuesday, June 28th 2005 @ 6:08 PM
Posted by lisa:
woohoo! i’m loving the new differentiation of topics and just the newness in general. thank you so much marya for having this blog - it’s great! i love reading what you have to say.

the new sections just topped off a great few days for me my niece is here visiting me for 5 weeks, i got to go to a hip hop showcase show with some of the groovaloos, and a teacher from la was just at my old dance studio and i got to meet with here. she still remembers me from ‘back in the day’ and it was amazing to be in her presence again.

now i better get back to my last bit of homework - my summer class ends friday - i can’t believe how quickly the past month went.

i hope everyone else is having an awesome week as well!
Tuesday, June 28th 2005 @ 10:44 PM
Posted by Mari:
Groovaloos is going on my list of good words with little serious purpose. Thanks. My objective for the day is to go for a bike ride. hopefully myself and said bik can return in two respective pieces.
Thursday, June 30th 2005 @ 4:29 AM
Posted by Anonymous:
Now I’m going to create a list of good words with little serious purpose! I’m reading Hitchiker’s Guide now (I’m finishing up the third one), so that’ll help create that list rapidly!

Good luck with the bike ride. I LOVE bike riding!
Friday, July 1st 2005 @ 6:04 AM
Posted by Say:
Whoops! That last post was by me. hehe
Friday, July 1st 2005 @ 6:04 AM
Posted by Mari:
the bike ride didn’t go. I discovered that even when I turn the front 90 degrees it still wouldn’t fit in my car. I settled for a 10 mile run today (I hate running). On the bright side I designed a couple completely new pieces of glassware for work, and they look good( shock).

Do you have good words so far? I collect quotes mostly. My favorite word is bizarre. I say everything is bizarre and it makes me feel like I’m two.
Friday, July 1st 2005 @ 6:08 PM
Posted by Hannah:
I love the word sublime. I don’t know what my favorite is, there are simply too many words to chose from!
Friday, July 1st 2005 @ 6:23 PM
Posted by Tam:
hmmm i love the way “sing sing death house” sounds (emmm its a distillers cd btw) but yeah there are too many words to choose only one. so i dont know. i´ll post again if any awesome idea comes to my mind :s
tam-
Saturday, July 2nd 2005 @ 5:30 AM
Posted by Mari:
and numbers too. Everytime I see the “unhealthy” and then “numbers” on the intro to the third discussion it makes me giggle. Personally my true love is prime numbers, but I think 137 is an unhealthy number. Mathematicians suspect it has naturally occurring significance like pi and phi, they just don’t know what–I’ll bet they obsess and get ulcers over it too. Definatedly unhealthy.
Saturday, July 2nd 2005 @ 2:15 PM
Posted by Say:
I really love the word serendipitous. And insidious. And ubiquitous. Apparently I like words that end in “ous.”

Also, I hate the number eight.
Saturday, July 2nd 2005 @ 9:18 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey!
This is AWESOME! Great we have a thread dedicated to everyday life-whatever comes to mind” stuff!! Cool!! This is actually quite funny! And Say, you sure like a lotta words, huh?
Cath
Monday, July 4th 2005 @ 6:20 AM
Posted by Catherine:
OOPS! Shame on me I forgot to say:
“HAPPY 4th OF JULY” to you all!
:):):)
Monday, July 4th 2005 @ 6:41 AM
Posted by Mari:
yes. Happy 4th. It’s been one of “those” days. Where you’re the first in a line of cars and can’t slam on the brakes for a squirrel….yeah. On the bright side: here are the 9 (a great number because it is a perfect aquare) best words starting with ‘O’:
obstreperous, occipital, obscure, opossum, oscillate, (argh, having trouble–ideas flow better in bed when all the pens are hanging out across the room), oxymoronic, oncology….ok, I’ll remember the last two later.
Monday, July 4th 2005 @ 4:56 PM
Posted by Laura:
Don’t forget obfuscation.

Right now, I’m rather fond of tintinnabulation.

A tattoo of tintinnabulation, as it were. Mmmm, tasty alliteration.
Monday, July 4th 2005 @ 11:22 PM
Posted by Say:
I do like a lot of words. And to top it off, I LOVE grammar! I’m a writer; that’s my excuse!
Tuesday, July 5th 2005 @ 3:19 PM
Posted by Mari:
ok. take out oncology. I learned it was the study of tumors. replace that with obfuscation. the last two are osterich and onyx…onyx just came to mind because i forgot the last one again. I like math.
I also like longhand as typing gets old.
Wednesday, July 6th 2005 @ 1:32 PM
Posted by lisa:
yay for fun words. of course groovaloos is a great word and an awesome hip hop group … i’ve been thinking about fun words and decided that some of my favorite are ballet terms.
ballonne’ & ballootte’
battu
cou-de-pied
entrechat six
fouette’
frappe’
sissonne
tutu
i can’t remember one that is my “most favorite” - it starts with ‘p’ but it has slipped my mind. argh. i guess i just need to start dancing more again.

i love everyone’s words!
Wednesday, July 6th 2005 @ 3:47 PM
Posted by Tam-:
AWEEEE! i just remembered how i love tyhe word “PUPA” hahahahahhahahahahahahhaha.

*enough*

tam-
Thursday, July 7th 2005 @ 11:00 AM
Posted by Marya:
Hallo! A fine words discussion. I especially agree with those who offered up ostrich and obstreperous. One of my favorite words is emu. I am also fond of ninny.

I’m out in Oregon taking in the beach and the sun and the rain and the coffee shop and working my tail off and also taking a lot of naps, and eating steamer clams. Life is good out here. I think someday I will move out to the coast. I am trying to talk Jeff into it. But I have lived in big cities all my life, and he has always lived in dinky ones, so he likes cities. Lately my top towns to live are London, New York, and Cannon Beach, Oregon.

Also I like the word antidisestablishmentarianism.

Love M
Friday, July 8th 2005 @ 10:49 AM
Posted by Cynthia:
“Also I like the word antidisestablishmentarianism. ”
That was elementary school memories for me! It was the ‘coolest’ word to know!

Friday, July 8th 2005 @ 12:35 PM
Posted by Sherrie:
I like the word supercalifragilisticexpialidotious
Friday, July 8th 2005 @ 5:40 PM
Posted by Margot:
Emus are nasty critters - I have had the misfortune to have worked with a couple. Never met a friendly one.
Saturday, July 9th 2005 @ 8:25 AM
Posted by Hannah:
I almost moved to Cannon Beach last year! There is a Christian School there called Ecola. I was trying to get away from my parents and they knew it. I’m not exactly the bible college type. LOL! Anyway, it didn’t work out but Cannon Beach is beautiful!
Saturday, July 9th 2005 @ 10:11 AM
Posted by Laura:
Hehehe, the “Ecola” Virus.
Saturday, July 9th 2005 @ 12:43 PM
Posted by Hannah:
LOL!!!!
Saturday, July 9th 2005 @ 3:39 PM
Posted by Say:
My little brother went through a phase where he was ALL ABOUT the word “antidisestablishmentarianism.” Doesn’t it have the most syllables of any word in the English language or something?
Saturday, July 9th 2005 @ 7:36 PM
Posted by Laura:
Marya-

Welcome to Oregon! I must say I am glad you are here but sad you are not gracing us with a reading. Love the conversation about words. My personal favorite is “absurd.”
Saturday, July 9th 2005 @ 10:42 PM
Posted by chiara:
My favourite one is “ceiling”. But also “furiously” and “supposed”.
Sunday, July 10th 2005 @ 11:14 AM
Posted by Mari:
I always spelled it supercalafradgelisticexpialidocious…..
I love words…is that a bibliophile….

I’ve discovered I tend not to date people and just skip to the break up part when they get to liking me…..suggestions….

but please keep this word thing going. Do you like the way words feel….like they trickle down behind your eyelids or something.?
Monday, July 11th 2005 @ 7:01 PM
Posted by Kevin:
Words Words so many good ones. I like the words “Groovy” “Storm” and “Tragic”. I really like the word “Tragic” because it gives out so many emotions with only 6 letters. Anyway Im really excited my digital camera is comeimg today. I love taking pictures. I loved to take pictures when i lived in N.Y theres just so much that everything says there with is apperance. Kevin
Tuesday, July 12th 2005 @ 1:43 AM
Posted by Ella:
Hey, since we’re talking about words, did you know that the word ’set’ has more definitions than any other in the English language? And in Chinese the word for ‘crisis’ & for ‘opportunity’ are the same. Boring fact but true. I love the word zeitgeist myself, & I hate the word ‘cheesy’.
Tuesday, July 12th 2005 @ 9:34 AM
Posted by Anonymous:
…and the english word “artichoke” is the same in French and in Venice’s dialect….(I live in Venice)…it’s interesting, isn’t it?:o
Wednesday, July 13th 2005 @ 4:44 AM
Posted by chiara:
I like the word “tuxedo” too.
Wednesday, July 13th 2005 @ 4:49 AM
Posted by Amanda J:
I love the words “grandiose” and “ethereal”. Yay for words!
Wednesday, July 13th 2005 @ 3:27 PM
Posted by tam:
DONT LET THIS TOPIC DIE!
im bored, i started my winter break last week and not in areally nice way i must say.
Well as everyone enjoys words so much here`s another cool one: CORPORATE hahaha, i just love it.
But what i love most than words is music, because words alone arent as great as words put together in a really , smart and touching way.

Listen to sonic youth (?)

tam-
Friday, July 15th 2005 @ 7:57 PM
Posted by Say:
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!

Well, I’m quite sleep-deprived at the moment, because I was invited to a midnight screening of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory last night, and I just had to go, regardless of the fact that I had to work this morning. (Phew! That was a long sentence!)

Anyway, have any of you seen it yet? I went with some of my co-workers. They all hated it, but I thought it was amazing! The reason that they hated it was that none of them read the book, and they thought it was going to be another happy kids movie. It’s not. It’s much more like the book - darker, very surreal. Wow. I think that if they had known that going into it, they might have been more receptive. Has anyone else seen it yet? Any reviews?
Friday, July 15th 2005 @ 8:31 PM
Posted by Kevin:
YES omg I just came home from the movies to see it! Its now like 1:13 in the morning LOL. The movie was great, I liked it more than the original …….my friend walked outta there said ” THAT MOVIE WAS A DRUG TRIP” lol I really liked two thumbs up
Friday, July 15th 2005 @ 10:11 PM
Posted by Anonymous:
my niece wants me to take her to see the movie. do you think it is okay for an 8 year old? my mom has heard stuff about “the dark side” of it and doesn’t want me to take her.

as for music - i love damien rice. i could listen to him all day. my dance studio did an amazing dance to “the blower’s daughter” it gave me chills watching it. i love powerful music.
Friday, July 15th 2005 @ 10:20 PM
Posted by Say:
It was a drug trip! Did Johnny Depp’s portrayal remind of you Michael Jackson?

As for an eight year old, it’s hard to say because I think it depends on the kids. Some eight year old’s coudl handle it, but not all. Does she scare easily?
Saturday, July 16th 2005 @ 5:14 AM
Posted by Kevin:
Id say it was ok, they dont even have the scary song in the boat ride, she may not understand all of it but i think she would enjoy it.
Saturday, July 16th 2005 @ 11:09 AM
Posted by Mari:
I’m starting a masterlist of all the good words we throw in the pot. GRANDILOQUENCE. GONDOLA.

I wasn’t going to see that movie because I thought it was sacriligous to remake that movie…I do like dark anything though….
Saturday, July 16th 2005 @ 1:19 PM
Posted by lisa:
thanks for the feedback on the movie. she is fairly mature as she is much younger than her classmates at school and has been forced to grow up to relate to them. i think we are going to give it a shot and see how it goes. i’ll just be prepared to explain things if she comes at me with the “i don’t get it” questions afterwards.
Saturday, July 16th 2005 @ 9:12 PM
Posted by Carah:
Marya! welcome to Oregon!! I’m from the beautiful city of Portland….do you come to Portland often? I know you mentioned it sometimes in wasted
Sunday, July 17th 2005 @ 9:36 PM
Posted by carah:
Oh yeah marya…here is some artwork of mine you can take a look at. I like to read your books, so i thought i would share some of my work!!

http://www.picturetrail.com/carahart

—Carah
Sunday, July 17th 2005 @ 9:39 PM
Posted by Wenche:
With the risk of revealing myself as an ignorant norwegian, could someone please tell me what “lol” means?? I figured out the phrase “omg”, but are still wondering about “lol”…:-?

Another good word; Freedom
Tuesday, July 19th 2005 @ 4:46 AM
Posted by Tam-:
LOL stands for–> laughing out loud.
in my oppinion is just stupid but well…
here you have some more:
IMO_>In My oppinion
WTF_>What the fuck
LMFAO_>laughing my fucking ass off (?)
TTYL->Talk to you later

well now you are ready to use msn hahaha
adios.
tam-
Tuesday, July 19th 2005 @ 10:26 AM
Posted by Mari:
I abhor (good word) internet abbreviations (another good word). I just do. And I need to tell the world. smirk. I’m so tired I think I can feel my blood slogging (good word) around. …ah summer.
Tuesday, July 19th 2005 @ 6:15 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey everyone!!
LISA: Talk about funny words!Those words(ballonné & ballootté-battu
cou-de-pied ~correct spelling is actually ‘coup-de-pied’~ entrechat six-fouetté-frappé-tutu.)
are all,indeed, ballet terms, but they happen to also be FRENCH words, interestingly enough.
Sorry, but it totally cracked me up when I read your post! I speak both French & English, so I know those words mean…LOL!! Those words aren’t really nice: I’d never say such things to a ballerina! I understand that those words are used as terms referring to specific ballet moves!!

Okay now, can anyone tell me WHERE does the word “antidisestablishmentarianism”come from? That’s a hell of a long word! I remember back when I was in high school. We were taught Latin. We had 8 (on average) LATIN classes a week!! We did etymology (which is the origin and historical development of a linguistic form as shown by its basic elements, changes in form and meaning, tracing its transmission from one language to another, identifying its cognates in other languages.) and it was awesome!Working with idioms was too!

Okay, my turn. Here’s a very popular FRENCH word: anticonstitutionally.
My personal favorite word is:
HUMONGOUS
As well as: infuriating, pinpoint, interestingly, throttle, throbbing,
cookie, super duper, …
Oops-wasn’t I suppose to write just ONE word here?? LOL!!
Let’s keep this word conversation going! It’s hilarious (another cool word!) and we never stop learning, right? I LUV IT!

Let’s keep it up guys!!
Catherine
Tuesday, July 19th 2005 @ 8:27 PM
Posted by Katie:
I am going to be the downer in this thread, so i apologize ahead of time..

But, what the hell am I going to do? FOr those of you who don’t remember my posts or never saw them, my fiancee died May 14 in a motorcycle accident, Marya I know you remember. And I just can’t, and don’t neccesarily want to, get out of this funk. I am so depressed. I am struggling in many ways. I am fighting self-destructive thoughts and habits. All I want is him. I cannot belive he is really gone. I am suffering so bad and I should. All my dreams, goals, and things I was working for and new opportunities mean nothing to me now. I can barely write and every time I do I cry. I was working on a book and cannot bring myself to even look at it now. Everything seems meaningless to me. I don’t know if I should be posting this here but since the breakdown of threads I don’t know where else this would fit. And as I have said before, maybe I shouldn’t post in here at all in regards to this. But, Marya, you have ben such in inspiration to be that I kind of feel ok opening up in here. And everyone ele in here has been really great too. I just am so lost and falling into a deeper depression. I am now on 2 meds, Wellbutrin and Xanax. I feel the Wellbutrin isn’t really working, the Xanax is a wonderful quick fix but the come down sucks and my doc isn’t going to keep me n it for long. I just… I just don’t know. And i feel responisble for everyone else, like i need to ease their pain and be there for everyone, his fmily, mine who I am neglecting, our friends. It is such an overwhelming pressure and responsibility and probably the only thing that is keeping me around though. I do’t know the point of me writing all of this here. I guess I like the support and I feel ok to vent here. So thank you for listening even if you don’t reply.
love,
katie
Tuesday, July 19th 2005 @ 9:36 PM
Posted by Katie:
Shoot- I hope my above post wasn’t disregarding the no symptoms rule here. If it did, I aplogize. Also, disregard my typos; I hate that I can’t fix them. Sorry again if I was out of line in my last post.
Tuesday, July 19th 2005 @ 9:39 PM
Posted by Wenche:
Dear Katie,
since I have not been in your situation I dont know the full extent of what you are going through right now, or the pain you feel, but I still would like to just write you a few words, and tell you that no matter what has been in your past or going on in your life right now that might hurt so much that you feel that life is too hard, it will come a day when you will be glad that you got through it and decided to carry on despite it all. The day will come when you might have children on your own and love them more than you love your own life and more than any boyfriend or husband or whatever and more than any other human-being, and you will be surprised that you have these strong positive feelings inside yourself, this huge love. Also, there will be a lot of other positive things that life will give you in the future. Sorry if this sounds superficial or too emotional or something but I just recognised some of your feelings and spontaneously decided to write you something.
Best wishes for you.
W
Wednesday, July 20th 2005 @ 1:18 AM
Posted by mari:
Hola!!!!soy amiga de tam y estoy al pedo…..
Wednesday, July 20th 2005 @ 3:24 PM
Posted by Tam:
Hey agian ppl, yeah im here with my friend mariann, and i actually OWE HER! cuz she was the one who lent (is that irregular???) WASTED, YET she´s unaware of what an awesome book it is.
well i´ll just let her live in her happi teenie winnie boopie world…
tam-:)
Wednesday, July 20th 2005 @ 3:27 PM
Posted by Mari:
ok, there’s another Mari here…..she doesn’t seem to be speaking in english but from now on I’ll be Mermaid to avoid any confusion.

Katie: Live as a tribute to your fiancee. Don’t try to do things for other people. Don’t think it’s something you have to get over. I think that maybe if you ditch the pills, it’ll hurt more at first but you’ll feel better in the long run because you won’t be going back to your same little haze every time you take them. Please don’t let me offend and if you’d like to talk my email is FreshWatrMrmaid@cs.com.

I severely don’t like the word Humongous. ugh. it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

as for antidisestablishmentarianism. you start with “establish”: making something. add “ment”: now you have something people have made. add “dis” something that’s been taken apart. add “anti” so it’s now the thing against the something that people have made then taken apart. add “arian” this makes it a person. add “ism” this makes it the science of…. so its the philosophy of the people against the people who are against the people who took apart something that a group established. hope that helps.
Wednesday, July 20th 2005 @ 5:36 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Dear Katie,

Oh hun, please, don’t think you’ll be the ‘downer’ in this thread! It’s okay to express what you’re feeling…Thumbs up Katie!! From what I read, I do not think your post was disregarding the “no- symptoms-rule”. No worries

I remember reading about your fiancé. Remember that grieving is a personal experience. Your process of grieving will be different from another person’s experience. There is no “normal and expected” period of time for grieving. Some people adjust to a new life within several weeks or months. Others take a year or more…But it’s really a ‘personnal’ thing here… And I firmly believe you’ll get through it Katie, I really do. About you inability to write at the moment, I thought you could maybe write about what you’re feeling, how about that? It’d help you externalise your feelings and besides: writing is a powerful healthy way to express yourself!!

As for your meds, well…I’m no expert here, but having once been on Wellbutrin and Xanax, I thought I’d share my experience with you. Don’t except some sudden, magical change overnight…On average, it takes a good 2 weeks (for me, that is!) for the meds to reach their full effect and that’s when you start to feel somewhat ‘better’…

Don’t give up Katie!

Sending much strength, courage and faith your way,
Hugs,
Catherine
Wednesday, July 20th 2005 @ 5:39 PM
Posted by Say:
Katie,
I wish I had something more concrete to offer, but my thoughts are with you. Right now, try to give yourself permission to focus on you. Your only responsibility is to yourself . . . yes, people around you are grieving, but so are you, and your grieving is just as legitimite.

You’ll make it.

Peace,
Say
Wednesday, July 20th 2005 @ 7:20 PM
Posted by Marya:
My friends! So good to read you all here. Right now I am not so sure about the word humnogous—I am on difficult terms with the letter H—it seems very ’50s to me right now. I’m into quagmire today. GOD I’m in a good mood. I just finished a massive project—first full draft of my new book proposal—can’t talk about it much, but suffice to say I’m having a grand time working on this book. I just landed on the right title, and I’m thrilled. I love titles. It’s a gorgeous day. I’m loving nectarines; also a good word; very onomotopoeic; also the words quotidian and hermeneutic (despite the h)…I have a curious and perhaps bizarre love of research, and you can use the word hermeneutic ALL THE TIME in research articles…my garden is out of control…the lilies have gone mad…I have these two insane elephants’ ears that have sprouted surreally tall…over seven feet! They look absurd! Life kicks ass today. Katie, I’m thinking of you and wishing you all the strength you need right now and then some. You’re going to be all right. Hang in, I know it’s tough. Obviously, you’ve got people here who care.
Love to all,
M
Thursday, July 21st 2005 @ 8:59 AM
Posted by Mermaid:
ok. adding Marya’s words to the list. I’m not a great fan of the letter O. it all depends on the day of the month. Good luck taming your lillies. Celebrations in my head for Phantom of the Opera…yay. BEAUTIFUL
Thursday, July 21st 2005 @ 5:27 PM
Posted by lisa:
katie - i cannot imagine the loss that you are going through. isn’t it strange how in our culture the people who were the closest to the loss are often the ones who end up having to comfort everyone else rather than the other way around? hang in there. you have the strenght inside of you to keep on keeping on.

catherine - mmmmm french words. i often have to giggle when i think about what the words actually mean. i have had a few teachers who are into quizzing the class over the translations. i do love it - but i would rather tell a story through movement rather than the translations.

kevin & say - thanks for the feedback on the chocolate factory - i took my niece and we both loved it. there was enough “adult humor” in it for me but still magical enough for her.

marya - i am so glad you had a day that kicked ass. congrats on finishing your project - i can’t wait to read you next book or poetry or anything really. you remain such an inspiration.
Thursday, July 21st 2005 @ 9:16 PM
Posted by Say:
Marya, your post definitely made me smile! I had quite a kick ass day as well - despite spending the first seven hours of it working at Old Navy! When I saw you at the reading in Boston, you seemed like a “life kicks ass in general” kind of person, which was quite refreshing! I know a few too many writers still stuck in the “woe is me” mode. I think it’s a process that a lot of us go through - the whole idea of pain = art - but I think that I write better when I’m energized and passionate about life.

Lisa - I’m glad to hear both you and your niece liked the movie! I told a friend I’d go see it again, and this time I’m bringing candy - I think I’m still craving it from the first viewing! ;-p

Katie - My thoughts are still with you. I sent a prayer up for you last night, and I’ll do it again tonight. Hang in there!
Thursday, July 21st 2005 @ 9:35 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Interesting…
OK, so far here are words added made me laugh…even more considering the fact I have no clue what they mean, ha ha!! I guess etymology isn’t quite helpful here! Can’t remember where my Webster dictionary is! THEN, I’d know the words: Hermeneutic, quagmire & onomotopoeic… I’ll look for Webster tomorrow! I’m not sure about HUMONGOUS. Am I spelling right? Isn’t there an E somewhere in that word? As for nectarine, I never really thought of it til now, but I can sure say that those are yummy! Bought a huge…no wait, HUMONGOUS :)… case of those today, for 5$!
Marya mentionned the word “sprouted”. Right away first thing that came to mind: alfalfa sprouts! I guess I just like that word because of the “alfalfa” part…It’s getting late so I’ll go and have plenty of sleep (MUCH needed sleep!)
HERE’s another word I like but don’t it use very often: FLABBERGASTED! Could you turn this verb into an adjective? I always wondered: “FLABBERGAST…Flabbergastering?” Flabbergasting?…I think the one with the -ing form is the right one… I’m not taking too much space here. I’m just having so much fun, all those new, funny words!

See you all tomorrow!!
Catherine
Thursday, July 21st 2005 @ 9:37 PM
Posted by katie:
Thanks you guys, all of you.

About the meds- I have been on Wellbutrin for over a month. I was on it last year for some time and I felt its affect then but just not this time. I just need to be able to work in order to pay the bills and I have a hard time working when I am an emotional wreck.
I have started writing a little more about all of this. I am actually writing letters to Andy. It may sound stupid but it is comforting at least a little. It is just weird, sad, and depressing that I cannot talk to him 50x a day like I used to. So now whenever I have the urge to call him and can’t, I write to him.
As for all the other writing projects I had going prior to this, they have come to an abrupt hault.

I just desperately want to be with him. Some days are harder than others, all of them are horrible b/c he is not in them…

Marya-congrats on finishing your book proposal!

Love to all of you,
Katie
Thursday, July 21st 2005 @ 9:38 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Sorry, I meant: I HOPE I’m not taking too much space here.
Thursday, July 21st 2005 @ 9:39 PM
Posted by Kevin:
Marya- Gald to hear your doing so well, Katie I hope you find happyness soon, after you stop worrying about all the crap in your life and try to focus on all the good things some of the crap might go away. Kevin:)
Thursday, July 21st 2005 @ 9:57 PM
Posted by Tam:
Actually it is the 2nd time i try to post this, so it wont be as creative as the first one(?)
Marya; im really happy to hear you are doing well-well. The refeeding/clothes issue IS really hard; i said i would burn all those clothes that didnt fit me anymore, but that was just me trying to sound ‘brave’ or ’strong’.What i actually did was trying them on again, and cry a whole fucking lot & afterwards reminding myself that it would be pointless and stupid to go back to fitting into those clothes, so i gave them away to ppl who really needed them and did fit naturally into them.which ended up being ‘braver’ and ’stronger’ than fooling myself by burning hem.
Now i sort of felt like saying that>>> things happen for a reason, otherwise, they wouldn’t happen at all<<<. I too had a great loss a few weeks ago, my cousin-who was more like a close friend than some relative-died of cancer. So these last days i had to put up with my family being down and, ive been down myself. But though i really miss him and i really wish he could spend another summer in my house as always;I also believe that it would be a selfish thing to think that his death was unfair. YES he was just 20, but it seems as though that was all his life was supposed to last.
And im not saying this cuz i just finish reading the bible, i actually MEAN it and FEEL it. so that´s pretty much it.

by the way, i believe “teclo” to be a hell of a great word.
tam.
Friday, July 22nd 2005 @ 4:49 PM
Posted by Tam:
Yeah ona my post above there are some references to stuff posted on the ´wasted´conv, but well…i suppose you all read that forum too.SO.
Friday, July 22nd 2005 @ 4:51 PM
Posted by marijke:
“antidisestablishmentarianism” my God, is that a word?:o

You’d think I’d be used to that though, because I live in Holland where their idea of language is to stick words together. Seriously. They just take a load of words (particularly adjectives) and stick them together to make one long one. It’s insane.
For example, this would be very normal: truckrearviewmirror.
Sorry, this is a bit off topic, but I saw that word and was like
Saturday, July 23rd 2005 @ 8:15 AM
Posted by Hogan:
Marya,
I too have an insane love of research. I can get lost in a library. I thought writing my Master’s thesis was an absolutely marvelous process. It’s so wonderful that everything in your life is going well. And great work with the gardening
Sunday, July 24th 2005 @ 6:49 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey!
This one is a bit irrelevant, but I need to get it off my chest. Nothing major, but it’s pissing me off! Okay: I’m leaving again in 2 weeks, going to the US.. But *DAMN* I lost my ID cards (birth certificate, passport, etc)!! I saw them around here, like, 2 weeks ago, and now they seemed to have vanished somehow…Grrr… Isn’t it weird?? When we’re NOT looking for something, we know exactly where the thing is, but the minute we REALLY need it, it’s GONE!! Hate it! Happens pretty much all the time: with my keys, my wallet, etc… Guys, please, send good vibes my way so I can get my hands on those IDs…I can’t imagine myself being stuck in the US for a year or something!!
Thanks!
Cath
Monday, July 25th 2005 @ 3:41 PM
Posted by Wenche:
Dear Marya,
glad that you are working on another book! Titles are important, the title that “Wasted” got from the translater here in Norway was not good I think, the title was “Dødelig Ideal” which directly translated means: Deadly ideal. The title “Wasted” covered the subject much better.
Good luck with your next book, hope you have a good time writing it as well!
Wenche
Tuesday, July 26th 2005 @ 3:41 AM
Posted by Marya:
My friends!

What a crazy weekend I’ve had. As you might know from reading Wasted, I have bipolar disorder (which, contrary to my idiotically flip statement, does mean something…I sometimes cringe at the sarcasm in that book). So anyway, I have been “hypomanic” for a week or so. I’m sure a lot of you know that mania often manifests itself in a lot of crazy ways, including insane overspending…I didn’t hire the Minnesota Orchestra to perform at a party for $12K (I know someone who did…Good Lord!), but I decided I needed some Coach purses…bought NINE … what nonsense! But I have forgiven myself…after all, I love Coach purses …vanity personified! So in case anyone was wondering, I am indeed a bat case!

You guys sound great. Katie, I think writing letters to Andy is a WONDERFUL idea. What an insightful discovery you’ve made there. Good for you—it doesn’t sound crazy at all.

I know how it feels to lose a close cousin, Tam. My cousin Brian was my best friend my entire life…we talked every day from the time we were fourteen. He was the closest person to me in the world, and I admired and loved him beyond words. When I wrote Wasted, I dedicated it to him, and one of the greatest joys in my life was when he opened the finished copy of the book on the Christmas before it came out. He died less than a month later. My life has never been the same. The new book is dedicated to his sister, my cousin Christie, who I love just as much.

So that’s the news for today…working hard yesterday on the poetry manuscript…about twenty poems left to write and bring to completion…very excited. Going through my old poetry…SO BAD!!! Wow, does it embarass me!

I’m off to work on the new nonfiction book. Happy day to everyone!

M
Tuesday, July 26th 2005 @ 4:24 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Marya,
It’s so sweet of you take the time to write to us all about just everything! I’ve looked up Coach Purses online: they’re just cute little handbags! I saw the Louis-Vuitton ones. I hope those 9 you just bought aren’t Louis-Vuitton’s!! Cause that’s REALLY overspending…Who the hell am I to talk!?! …This happens to me fairly regularly.And I can tell it will happen on Friday, when money gets in!! Argghhh!! As for bipolar disorder…well, I’ve been given every label possible, from bipolor, borderline, etc… But, weren’t you borderline?? Just wondering… Anyways,I’m glad you’re having a good time with the poetry manuscript. As for your “old poety”…please don’t be embarassed, because you know what? If you & I were to do a poetry contest, you’d, by far, be the one winning while I’d have people throwing tomatoes to my face! No kidding, I can’t even write–we’re talking about good, serious writing here– without my dear friend Webster (that’s my dictionary!) …. I’m sure it is AWESOME!! Keep us posted!
Have a GREAT day!
Catherine
Tuesday, July 26th 2005 @ 8:53 AM
Posted by Tam:
Hey in this forum ppl!
Well, Marya thanks for the reply. Losing someone you love is something really hard to go through, but at the same time is just…LIFE. thing which sounded really cold even to me, but thats the way it is. Something good will come out of it eventually.
I sort of write poetry but i just cant take myself seriously, i just can’t.
When i was younger i would write pretending i was some sort of sylvia plath girl and use complicated words, or i would try to write like patti smith and think about how ppl would interpret it. So now, a few years later, i go trough those notebooks and think of what a fucking poser i looked like>>> so, i dont know… i HAVE witten some semi-good things but well. You wont be seeing much of Tami´s poetry for now hahahah.
thats all, have a great day or whatever time is in where you live. oh si
T A M -
Tuesday, July 26th 2005 @ 4:38 PM
Posted by Kevin:
WOW 9 Coach purses GO MARYA!:)
Wednesday, July 27th 2005 @ 9:46 PM
Posted by Marya:
Catherine: Not borderline, just bipolar.

WORDS FOR THE DAY:

ocelot
antelope
platapus
Thursday, July 28th 2005 @ 5:39 AM
Posted by Stacy:
As this is the “whatever, whenever” section, I feel compelled to say that I just made the yummiest thing ever: linguine with peas, carrots, broccoli, and string beans, with lots of garlic, a little olive oil, freshly-ground black pepper, and basil I grew myself on my terrace! I have planted myself a little herb and vegetable garden outside this year and I just love it. It’s so much fun to eat things you grew yourself!

Carry on.
Thursday, July 28th 2005 @ 1:30 PM
Posted by Hannah:
LOL! I share you love for coach purses! I was at a Factory outlet with my mom a couple of days ago and she wouldn’t by me one, I was pissed! What a brat, I know!
Thursday, July 28th 2005 @ 3:53 PM
Posted by Mari:
Stacey: I agree. things you grow yourself taste good. Things by your parents….eh, another story.

I’m working my way through a 76 hour week this week ( 36 paid, the rest volunteer) argh I’m tired.

Marya: animal day? how about
Elephant
Camel
Kangaroo
(there are not for the word pool because they’re more fun to think about than to say. Personally, I’m in love with a camel named Botok I found at nationalgeographic.com.
Thursday, July 28th 2005 @ 5:52 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey everyone,
Stacy–Your dish sounds really good. But nothing compares to what I had for dinner!! Tonight, my mom took me to the restaurant and we had…foie gras! An absolute delight! Expensive but after all, I wasn’t the one paying!

Looks like it’s animal day.How about:
duck
jellyfish
octopus
uakapi…

I REALLY wish I owned this restaurant we went to.I would be eating foie gras 24/7! Who knows, it might happen for real, one day…or in my wildest dreams!!

Cath
Thursday, July 28th 2005 @ 8:12 PM
Posted by Mari:
hmmm, what is foie gras? Is it something you can graze on: I’m all about grazing.
Sunday, July 31st 2005 @ 7:28 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Mari,
“Foie gras” is my ultimate favorite food. Even if its description doesn’t sound mouth-watering. But still I love it. Just pretend you don’t know where foie gras comes from. It’s a goose’s or a duck’s liver that expended, due to continuous force feeding. People often say, “Poor ducks/geese, it’s cruel!”.
Foie gras production been even banned in certain countries.
It doesn’t matter, it is, in my opinion, the yummiest food on earth. Number #2 on my list: SUSHIS!! I actually had a sushi feast tonight, another delight!
I’m thinking of taking ’sushi courses’ where you learn how to make sushis at home!
Question for everyone: Is there anyone here who likes foie gras as much as I do???
Cath
Sunday, July 31st 2005 @ 4:10 PM
Posted by Katie:
Hello all.
OMG Marya! 9! That’s awesome.

About your past poetry being embarrasing to you. Just think, without those “bad” writings you wouldn’t be producing the ones that you aren’t embarrassed of. I bet they are all great in their own ways though.

OK, words of the day; I must have missed something. Are we just writing words we find amusing to us or….?

The letters to Andy do help although I haven’t written one in about a week.

Each day has been getting harder and harder.
I quit my job b/c I had way too much downtime to think and do nothing productive. So now I am half ass applying to places through career builder. If only I could get my writing going I’d be ok. At least then it would kind of be at my leisure, not a 9-5 set time. And I could do it from home and whatever else. Meh.

Marya, I am excited to read more by you. Anything else you can tell us about this new book?

I was thinking, and perhaps I am losing my mind. But who is to say that I am not just dreaming and none of what is happening is reality? Like Plato or Socrates or one of them said, about how do you know what is real. What makes it real? How do you know that the chair you are sitting in is real and exists? Well who is to say I am not really dreaming all of this? Maybe it was me in an accident or something and i am having nightmare after nightmare while suffering a coma or something. Or maybe this is hell. Who knows.

I do know that I think it is selfish of me when i break down and lose it b/c nobody knows what to do or how to deal with me.

Here ends my rant.

So words….
hippopatamous
Sunday, July 31st 2005 @ 11:10 PM
Posted by Sara:
Hi All,

I’m so happy I stumbled upon this blog! Marya, “Wasted” is one of my favorite books in the world. When reading it (years ago), I thought to myself, “Wow, I’m not the only one!” I’ve struggled with my ED for 10 years and have been in and out of treatment. I’m now trying to start my own ED recovery support group. I’m going to return to this site often! I need all the help I can get…
Monday, August 1st 2005 @ 6:27 AM
Posted by Mari:
Hmmm, you’re right, I’m not too keen on where fois gras comes from. But when I’m at Ethiopian restaraunts (that’s a totally awkward word) I like the liver, stomach, ground up combinations. I might try it one time.

It’s a food kinda night, if everyone on earth had this soup my mother made, the world would be a better place–maybe. hehe. Can we talk about food too now as well as words.

Also I’m too lazy to take this to the Wasted blog: I’m too touchy to keep ever buy sleeping pills or drink alcohol because I just suspect that I’d want to take them all at once (the pills) and I like to keep my senses about me…is that weird?
Monday, August 1st 2005 @ 5:49 PM
Posted by Mari:
YES! My friend just found two vanilla tootsie rolls…I know people got various things out of Wasted but I got a hankering for vanilla tootsie rolls and have been searching ever since.
Monday, August 1st 2005 @ 5:55 PM
Posted by Kevin:
OH YES VANILLIA TOOTSIE ROOLS………..i really like the lime ones to
Tuesday, August 2nd 2005 @ 5:00 PM
Posted by Jean:
Hey Marya-
This will sound kind of lame, but I just wanted to tell you how awesome I think you are. Wasted is absolutely my favorite book, because I love your writing style (all the metaphors, stream-of-consciousness, captivating dialogue, and the harsh honesty of it); and (this is also weird) I’m sort of fascinated by EDs. (Never had one, but several of my friends have.) Thanks for your words and insights. The book made it to my hands in high school after both my mom and my older brother read it. It was sort of neat because my brother Jim made comments in the margins that said things like “Cool kid” when you were particularly intense, or “bitch!” when you wrote about someone who was mean or rude to you. So, he’s also a big fan.

I was so glad when I heard about Center of Winter, and that you were alive and well. It is also powerful writing — congratulations! I enjoyed very much.

You clearly have a sizeable and very loyal base of fans on these blogs; do you have any more travels or book readings planned for Center? I know that I, along with everyone else here probably, would love to meet you. (And yes, that is a lot of people, and of course you can only sacrifice your personal life so much before you hate all of us.)

Kudos, and best of luck with the next novel and poetry!

Thanks and love,
Jean (24):)
Wednesday, August 3rd 2005 @ 2:32 PM
Posted by Jean:
Ummm… so, I just re-read my post, and I just wanted to clarify that YOU, Marya, are not the bitch — just the mean people in the book. You probably figured, but I didn’t want to sound like a jerk.

-Jean
Wednesday, August 3rd 2005 @ 2:36 PM
Posted by Mari:
Kevin: so where can I find them and buy a lifetime supply to last me a week or two?
Wednesday, August 3rd 2005 @ 3:49 PM
Posted by lisa:
mari - i was at Target today and they had bags of the “colored” tootsie rolls on sale. of course vanilla are only a small portion of what is in the bag - they always seem to be underrepresented also, i have seen them in bulk candy stores where you can just pick out all of the vanilla ones. good luck
Wednesday, August 3rd 2005 @ 9:37 PM
Posted by Kevin:
Ya Target and Wal-Mart wil have smaller bags, Costco should last anyone at least 2 weeks lol , they give so much there. Ya there useally is a shortage on the vanilla ;(
Wednesday, August 3rd 2005 @ 10:36 PM
Posted by Mari:
ok. I’m off on the hunt for vanilla tootsie rolls. Perhpas I’ll have more luck when I get back to school in Atlanta–its a much bigger city to scour than here. In fact, the Food City “here” just quit carrying Twizzlers!. You know there is the kind you can actually peel apart and then the rubbery kind (best when left to air for a few days). They no longer have the rubbery kind. What is this town coming to?
Saturday, August 6th 2005 @ 6:48 PM
Posted by lisa:
Aaahhhh! So I have a new thing stressing me out. I can’t decide where to live next year. It used to be that I hadn’t found any options, but now I have 2 choices. And I HATE making decisions. Especially ones that are “life altering.” Do I choose the one close to campus with a huge bedroom but not much other living space. Or, do I pick the room in a house with a small room and more living space that is further from campus in a “grown up” type of neighborhood. They are both so different but yet I seem to like the equally. I just need to pick … argh! Where is it I will get my new start on life?

Saturday, August 6th 2005 @ 11:25 PM
Posted by Mari:
Lisa: Great! I love making decisions for other people. Go with the big room closer to campus because A) it contains your mess and draws definitive living lines between you and other people and B) it’s close to campus so you can sleep later.

I found vanilla tootsie rolls! In the reject-dumpy-not-so-glam grocery store in town. 6 in the bag were vanilla which makes it 23.07 % vanilla (now can anyone tell me how many total were in the bag?)…the next question is are they a viable breakfast food?
Sunday, August 7th 2005 @ 4:05 PM
Posted by lisa:
29 tootie or “flavor” rolls … 23 of them not vanilla … but leaving other “Fruit” flavors & Fruit can be breakfast, right? but in truth probably not really an appropriate breakfast on its own to most people.

thanks for the housing advice too!
Sunday, August 7th 2005 @ 6:47 PM
Posted by Mari:
Good job on the math problem. I really didn’t expect anyone to answer so I had to think about it again. You’re right. Fruit IS a breakfast food so I’m clear.
Monday, August 8th 2005 @ 3:06 PM
Posted by Marya:
Hee hee! Good God, this quest for vanilla tootsie rolls is hilarious. I love recovery, because now tootsie rolls are just CANDY, not a substitute for food..yesterday I got it into my head that we should have some chocolate around the house, so I bought an entire grocery bag of it…such a treat to nibble.

My friend Abigail, who is ten, is over, and I have given her a cup of coffee and some chocolate for breakfast. I would make a terrible mother, but I’m an awfully good aunt.

To hell with all the people who never have any fun. They need to eat more candy. And one can absolutely eat it for breakfast; I myself have had a good deal of toffee this morning, and I may yet have more.

Have an awesome day!
M
Wednesday, August 10th 2005 @ 7:17 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Marya,
Glad we made you laugh!! We can be quite comical at times…hee hee!!

I found the whole “vanilla tootsie rolls” conversation quite funny. But hey Marya, one can NOT have those for breakfast alone!!!! It is NOT a substitute for food, NO NO!!!!! I also always keep chocolate in my house, because, it always nice to satisfy our sweet tooth!! …mine’s pretty big, lol! Love it! By toffees are you talking about the caramel thingy, that often tends to get stuck in your teeth??

Have a great day!
Catherine
Wednesday, August 10th 2005 @ 9:00 AM
Posted by Mari:
No, vanilla tootsie rolls are not a substitute for food but I find that they can substitute other things such as “lack of boyfriend” and “what to do”. I’m now on a hunt to find them in the larger size…which I’m fairly sure does not exist in which case I can write threatening letters to the company or be obligated to make millions in my lifetime so I can order them made. I’m honored that everyone is so amused by my little obsession.

According to my Evil Aunt Teresa (who isn’t truly an aunt), the food groups are chocolate, caffeine, carbs, sugar, and fats. Pseudo aunts are the best kinds!

Lastly, I met a great telesurveyor on the phone last night and severely regret not asking him for his phone number. He called about a nutritional survey and we were on the phone for like 30 minutes. Ah sigh. It’s gonna take a lot of tootsie rolls to get over this. He’s so inaccessible and that’s the best type.
Wednesday, August 10th 2005 @ 2:40 PM
Posted by Tam:
hey, can anyone tell the argentinian kid(-ME!-) what the fuck tootsie rolls are? THANK YOU hahaha.
well actually im really REALLY busy, but i couldnt help it to check how this board was doing.

Talking about chocolate, i remember how once i only had chocolate the whole day, i mean if it were for me, i`d live on Carbs…but well my liver would explode, so i rether keep it healthy (?)
OK im back to my messy school things. GRRRR! i just wish i could sleep a whole day and just…. stay at home listening to nick cave or something….but well only 3 more months to go.
kiss-kiss

TAM-
Wednesday, August 10th 2005 @ 5:46 PM
Posted by Kevin:
Yes Aunts are fun cause they protect you like a mother , spoil you like a grandmother and are fun like friends.:)
Wednesday, August 10th 2005 @ 7:40 PM
Posted by lisa:
kevin, i think you said it perfectly!

tonight as an aunt i got to make a special trip to target (i love that store.) my brother was playing with my niece’s new protracter and managed to break it. she and “handsome billy” were the only ones in 4th grade with the “target protracters” because they don’t have target on their island . . . i couldn’t allow that special “bond” to be broken so off to the store and post office i went.
and marya, i’m glad to know that i am not the only one who provides coffee & chocolate breakfasts for young kids - my niece had more than her fair share of coffee & such for breakfast when i was in charge of her . . . gotta train her young, right? (i also had her trained to pick out vanilla tootsie rolls for me at places that had candy bowls set out.)
Wednesday, August 10th 2005 @ 9:04 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Personally, my quest for vanilla tootsie rolls has come to an end.
In Canada, we only have those long brown sticks Tootsie rolls. I’ve seen the small ones wrapped individually though. But same old thing, the same boring flavour. No fun for my taste buds here!

I think Skittles are more fun: my taste buds (and I!) have a blast eating skittles [Dance-Twist[Bouncy]]. I had a bag of the tropical skittles (yum!) and I played their “Skittles Scramble” game which was stupid but anyways.

The one thing I’ve heard of were “Air Heads”. Whenever I buy some, they’re in pack of 5 pallets and it’s always: 3 cherry ones, 1 watermelon, and 1 blue raspberry. My friend told me that in the US there were WHITE Air Heads where you have to guess what the flavour is and YELLOW ones which are banana flavoured! Of COURSE, we don’t have any of those over here.

If anyone feels gentle, please send some my way, I’m paying the shipping!

I just ate my last crunchy Whether’s Original and it was really good! Yum!!
Thursday, August 11th 2005 @ 11:17 AM
Posted by Carah:
hello my friends. im really bored right now so i thought i would stop by. i have work at 1:00 and i dont want to go. i thought i would like retail but it turns out its more work than i thought. or maybe im just a whiny baby. Its good for me to work though…im BROKE, and if i didnt work i would seriously be so bored i wouldnt know what to do with myself. Like yesterday for example. I need some friends in the city of Portland. I moved here like 3 months ago, and i havent met anyone. its hard when you arent going to school, and you have only worked twice.

All this candy talk is making me want some air heads….i havent had an air head in like 2 years, and they are one of my favorites!! fun dips are pretty good too though.

well im off to do my hair…have a good one guys.

–Carah
Thursday, August 11th 2005 @ 11:30 AM
Posted by Hannah:
One time at this party (every one was way too drunk)someone brought a pinyata (totally spelled wrong, sorry)my friend and I went through all the candy and took all the vanilla tootsie rolls. They really are the best ones!
Thursday, August 11th 2005 @ 11:51 AM
Posted by Kevin:
I <3 SOUR SKITTLES, I liek the regu;lar but anything sour is a plus, I really love airheads, I’ve never seen the banana one, there was a yellow one but it was to promote the spongebob squarepants movie lol(it was lemonade). Twizzlers are so addictive its not even funny(the strawberry ones), I always get a kick of buying a giant jawbreaker when i see them in the glass case in the mall. And I must admit i murdered a whole bag a Wonka Laffy Taffy tonight watching a movie.
Thursday, August 11th 2005 @ 9:04 PM
Posted by Bry:
I went through a period where I was 100% obsessed with all things sour. Especially Sour Patch Kids. My friend and I split one of those hugeeee bags when we were 12 and it took me a day and a half just to get my taste buds back. But it was worth it–I’m in love with sour stuff.
Saturday, August 13th 2005 @ 1:15 PM
Posted by Stacy:
Oh my god, Sour Patch Kids. When I was in high school my best friend (the one with whom I got drunk for the first time, on cheap red wine, and then her mom woke us up for breakfast the next morning and we both had to eat scrambled eggs while totally hung over and then puked our guts out) would go to the bulk candy store in the mall and buy those things by the pound. I remember one night when we sat up late watching The Exorcist and shoveling down the Kids and, again, were totally sick. Funny how I have so many memories of being completely sick with her and yet still remember her fondly.
Sunday, August 14th 2005 @ 2:26 PM
Posted by Amanda R:
Marya-
I had no idea you had a site. That is so very cool. I also had no idea that you did a book tour and were in Ballard earlier this year. I don’t think they gave you enough publicity around here, or I was totally oblivious which is totally likely. I regret to say I have not read Center Of Winter yet but I am so looking forward to it. Totally loved wasted. Read it about eleventy-billion times. Okay so maybe I’m exagerating, but I have pages of it memorized so I had to have read it a lot. Aside from the content with which I can relate, the word choices and their arangements is a huge part of why I read it so many times. So intelligently written, I loved it. It’s good to know that you are doing so well. When I finished your book I always wondered was that seriously going to be the end of that life for you or was that just where that story ended. It’s good to see that it was the begining of a new healthier life and that you are in a state of full recovery. You were 22 or 23 when that was published. I’m 23 now so if I continue with recovery then perhaps by the time I’m 30 I’ll be fully recovered. Anyway you have just been an inspiration to me and so many others, and I just think it is so personable that you have this site, it’s great. Anyway you probably get that stuff all the time and I don’t mean to bore you but I had to say it, you know it’s just not the same when some one does it for you. Can’t wait to read your new book I’ve read some excerpts and I can already tell it’s going to do very well. I wouldn’t expect anything less from you. Take care.

Amanda R
Monday, August 15th 2005 @ 7:19 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey my friends!

I hope everyone is doing fine. As for me well, I’m having issues with my computer. Since this past Friday, this is the very FIRST time I have been able to get on here! I needed to come here because I REALLY wanted to post my poems & writings :)! I couldn’t get on this page (or any other pages) and therefore, I was unable to post ! It made me pretty upset ! I wonder if anyone has experienced similar problems?

Seriously, as I’m writing this post here, I just tried, 2 seconds ago, to access the “WRITING”,”POST WRITING” & “WASTED Conversation” and it says unable to open! Geesh, it’s NOT even FUNNY!!
LOL: Wanna BET I won’t even be able to post THIS very message,
!?!??!!

Cheers,
Catherine

p.s.:If there’s someone here who happens to be a computer genius, PLEASE email-me, thanks!
Monday, August 15th 2005 @ 10:43 AM
Posted by Cara:
How fun is this with all these new sections? Ok so it’s not THAT new, but i’m just slow i guess becuase i didn’t notice all this until just now. hehehe I was reading all the archives thinking everyone just dropped off the face of the earth. Anyway, WHOO HOO i have alot of reading to catch up on here! Fun, fun…thanks Marya for the new board and for keeping in touch!
Monday, August 15th 2005 @ 3:39 PM
Posted by lisa:
hey catherine! i’m sorry to hear that you weren’t able to get your computer issues resolved yet i have never had problems with this site, but i was trying to do a search on “the facebook” a few minutes ago and it won’t let me search … it keeps telling me that people i *know* are on there don’t exist! maybe tomorrow will be a better computer day for us both. i am going to take this as a sign that i need to get away from the computer and finish my book!
Monday, August 15th 2005 @ 9:04 PM
Posted by Amber:
Hi Marya- just wanted to tell you i think your fucking sexy!
Tuesday, August 16th 2005 @ 1:34 AM
Posted by TAM-:
Hey everyone, i just found some free time between studying-account for-the-rest-of-the-afternoon and my school-gym-class and i decided to catch up on the reading of posts here. I mean this site is just wonderful because you can just SAY things without being judged or labeled, not that i give MUCH of a shit of what others think about me,but its annoying anyway-
hmm i had my teenie-winnie-boopie 15 birthday party last saturday, i didnt want it because its a sort of phoney social event to show how much money you can spend on usless things, but i have to admit i had fun anyway.im glad the whole thing is over though.

>>>catherine, about you computer issues try using mozilla or opera cuz Internet Explorer is just bullshit, if the problem continues i´d reccomend to change your connection settings, maybe it has something to do w/ cookies or privacy settings….
lalalalalallaa

I LOVE PJ HARVEY.

ADIOS-

TAM-
Tuesday, August 16th 2005 @ 11:20 AM
Posted by Trisha:
I’m new here but I was reading some of the posts and I just wanted to join in…Marya 9 Coach bags! I love it!! I just left a long day at the office and on my way uptown to see a FREE dance show at lincoln center. I’ll post again though. Hello to all!
Trisha
Thursday, August 18th 2005 @ 3:38 PM
Posted by lisa:
trisha, welcome! i am super jealous of you getting to see a dance show - i’m packing right now (procrastinated a little too long on this one… and here i am on-line not helping the situation.) what type of dance is it? i hope you love it!
Thursday, August 18th 2005 @ 3:48 PM
Posted by Trisha:
Katie - I just read some of your posts. And while I haven’t lost a fiance - I did lose my Mom in October. She was only 55, I am 23. She was truly my closest friend. I have a lot of the same thoughts as you, I remember thinking the same things, that I need to help ease the pain of my other family members and friends..feeling as though that was a heavy responsibility to thrust upon myself and then thinking, quite honestly, that it was the only thing that kept me going. It was 10 months on August 16th that my Mom has been gone and quite honestly the pain of missing her is still the same. Like you, I have been writing to my Mom. I actually started writing to her when she got sick, I thought she’d get a chance to read what I was writing but 4 days later she died. I have continued writing to her and even though every time I begin to write something I end up crying, I think that it helps me in the long run to get out some of the things I want to tell her -even if I know she’ll never read it. I will say though, one thing that helps me now are friends and memories. For me, nothing can be said to ease the pain of losing my Mom; but knowing that people are there to listen to me talk/cry/scream (no matter how unreasonable I’m being) is what keeps me going. If you need to talk-maybe we can talk to each other.

Trisha
Thursday, August 18th 2005 @ 3:59 PM
Posted by erika:
Marya, I am just curious about your cousin. You mentioned him very little in Wasted despite the fact that you were very close. If that’s not too personal a question, I just wanted to know.
Thanks a lot. You’re a brilliant writer and I can’t wait for your new work.
Also, I live in Portland OR and I just have to say that, yes, the coast is beautiful — and ideal for writers! Hope you come out here

Best.
-Erika.
Thursday, August 18th 2005 @ 8:27 PM
Posted by Wenche:
Marya, I am so glad that you are not ” a borderliner”, have been wondering a little bit about that since the subject came up on this site…so relieved that you clarified that.
Friday, August 19th 2005 @ 5:30 AM
Posted by j:
Marya, I think I read in an interview somewhere where you said Wasted was not a memoir of your life. I was wondering if you would ever think of writing a book about your life.
Friday, August 19th 2005 @ 8:11 PM
Posted by Laura:
Chimeric people shall rule the world!

I just find this the most interesting thing ever.

In case you don’t know about this, sometimes it happens where the initial blastocysts of fraternal twins will merge in utero to form a single being which has two different strands of DNA.

There are some moms out there who actually aren’t biologically related to children they conceived naturally. How? The egg provided from her ovaries had the DNA from her twin.

It boggles the mind.

Random: There are some weapons which have really fun names. One of my favorites is the blunderbuss, which is an 18th century gun. The fact that it was one of the choice weapons of pirates makes it infinitely cooler, but then everyone who knows me knows of my obsession for things piratical.
Sunday, August 21st 2005 @ 4:34 PM
Posted by Kevin:
Hello everyone, I just got this e-mail from an Aunt and its about this new phone scam. People leave messages on your answering machine saying somwthing like Hi this is Kathy letting you know you won something or a family member is ill or died ect. Then they say something like call me back at 809-blah blah blah, Its some company doind g this to get you to call that area code 809. Its in the bahamas so the U.S phone companys dont cover it and they leave some big message when you call to get you to stay on longer and its charging you ALOT of money by the minute! People have been billed over 24,000! Just letting you know beware of 809!
Sunday, August 21st 2005 @ 6:51 PM
Posted by Mari:
Pirates rock. Especially the one in Atlas Shrugged. If I flunk out of college I’m holding pirating as an alternative career plan.
Sunday, August 21st 2005 @ 6:53 PM
Posted by Marya:
Just FYI—you guys ROCK. I am having such a good time with this blog. And I get to call reading/writing on it work! How silly is that? It’s so nice to come on here and have a fun, easy conversation going on. All hell has broken loose in my life of late, and I appreciate the humor here. (I’m handling it…sometimes things just suck, and them’s the breaks.) I’m heading out tomorrow for A WEEK of hiking all by myself…can’t wait to get away! Long hikes every day, millions of Cliff Bars, gallons of water, and scenery that’s incomparable…I’m hiking the north shore of Lake Superior, which is spectacular—waterfalls, wildlife, any number of kinds of trees and wildflowers, the Lake, rivers, streams, bears, BEAVERS…beavers are hilarious. I absolutely can’t wait. Went to REI last night to stock up on new gear…I love hiking, because it matters absolutely not at all what you wear…I will look ridiculous in my hat, but what the hell—I like the hat, so there.

After the hiking trip, I’m off to the east cost for some meetings, so I won’t be back online until the 7th or so. Have a great couple of weeks, and enjoy Labor Day weekend. Talk soon!

Marya:P
Thursday, August 25th 2005 @ 8:11 AM
Posted by Hogan:
Marya, Enjoy your hiking adventure. It sounds like a lot of fun. I hope you have great weather.
Friday, August 26th 2005 @ 9:23 PM
Posted by Joy:
Hi!
At the risk of sounding like a silly teenager at a boy band concert, first I have to say that I loved reading ‘Wasted’. I talk to a lot of people with EDs online, and it’s amazing how many times you get quoted. Like, when we can’t find the words to describe what an ED is like…..we can just refer to ‘Wasted’ to find a quote that sums it up exactly.
And it was a bit eerie for me while I was reading it, because there was one part where you were talking about taking the #6 bus to the U, and I just happened to be on the #6 bus, going home from the U. Freaked me out, big time.
Anyway, long story short about me: I was anorexic/compulsive exerciser/with periods of being ‘ok’ in between from 10 to 23. Had an intake assessment at good ‘ol Camp Methodist, was told to get my ass in there ASAP….they called me back a few days later to tell me my insurance wouldn’t pay, so have a nice life, try not to die, and here’s the number to that walk-in counseling place in the ghetto.
Blah, blah, blah, recovered by myself….long story….yada, yada, yada…..anyway, now I just started my own recovery-focused site: www.fallintofantasy.org/mb/index.php, and I’m in the process of starting a non-profit corporation based in the Twin Cities here to provide alternative help and information for people who find themselves with no insurance coverage or inadequate access to treatment.
OK, I’m done rambling now….
Candy is the schiznit!!!!!!!

Joy
Anyway, Katie told me about this site, so I figured I’d check it out for myself!
Monday, August 29th 2005 @ 9:19 PM
Posted by Jacci:
Hey, does anyone know if Marya posts online anymore?
Tuesday, August 30th 2005 @ 7:49 AM
Posted by Rachel:
I just wanted to say hi…
And how thrilled I am to find this place - Thankyou Katie;)
I love you set this place up Marya
Tuesday, August 30th 2005 @ 11:26 AM
Posted by Joy:
Jacci- I think she posted before about how she’s going to be away until after Labor Day

Rachel- Hi you!!!!!
Nice to see you here!:)
Tuesday, August 30th 2005 @ 8:57 PM
Posted by Melissa:
I just found this place. I absolutely adore it. I had all 4 wisdom teeth pulled this week:-(
It sucks but because of it I found this site!
Saturday, September 3rd 2005 @ 3:03 PM
Posted by Mari:
I’m curious as to how wisdom teeth led you to this sight. We haven’t had a good word in a while. How about bouganvillia (misspelled i do believe)
Sunday, September 4th 2005 @ 4:25 AM
Posted by Melissa:
Hahahaha…I probably should have explained more. I’ll blame the tylenol 3 for that one. Wasted is my favourite book of all time. So I came to the internet as I was bored and unable to leave the house to do the vast ugliness caused by swelling (i seriously look like quagmire from family guy). With a few clicks I ended up here.

Oh…and here’s a good word: sybarite
Sunday, September 4th 2005 @ 10:08 AM
Posted by Anonymous:
How about the word: warsh. I haven’t found it in a dictionary yet but it seems to be synonymous with wash. I’ll use it in a sentence for you: I gotta warsh some windas. Oh yes and that brings me to another what about winda’s? Synonymous with windows.

Amanda R:)
Tuesday, September 6th 2005 @ 2:36 PM
Posted by Melissa:
Hahahahaha. Have you heard warsher? As in “I put my clothes in the warsher and they came out clean. I then put them in the dryer.”

Do you live in the sticks? Cause I sure do.
Tuesday, September 6th 2005 @ 4:04 PM
Posted by lisa:
Hello everyone. I am back in school and having a rough time … but I took a trip to Super Target today and guess what I came across?!?!

They are making a Limited Edition ALL VANILLA bag of tootsie rolls right now! It put a smile on my face as it made me think of our conversations on this blog about the joy of vanilla tootsie rolls.

I hope that everyone is doing well.
Tuesday, September 6th 2005 @ 5:49 PM
Posted by Wenche:
Wondering if anyone here does like me, just checking in on the treads and reading the posts, and then leave without leaving any message, because sometimes you just dont have anything to say…I visit this site twice a week when I have access to a computer at work, but seldom do I leave any comments. But I have to take a little peek at the site so that I keep up with the conversation going on.

Katie and Catherine, haven`t seen your posts for a while, hope that you both are “hanging in there”.

New word : “maladroit”

Have a nice day!
Wednesday, September 7th 2005 @ 12:57 AM
Posted by Amanda R:
Nope, I actually live outside of seattle right now. However I’m originally from TX and have lived in AR and most of my family is from MO and TN. So I hear a lot of the “sticks” dialect. It’s pretty hillarious.
New word: sycophancy

Amanda R
:):):):)
Wednesday, September 7th 2005 @ 9:41 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Hello everyone!
Been busy in the past 2 weeks! Lots of stuff going on. I hope Marya had fun on her hiking trip! I’ve been watching the news a lot and I’m totally devastated by the whole hurricane Katrina. It’s a tragedy in itself but in a way, it’s amazing how nature can be soo powerful, is it not? I’m feeling terribly, terribly sorry for all those people who lost everything. I wish I could hop on a plane with a bunch of food for them, clothes and give them hugs. They need it bad. They need as much of support as we can give them… *sobs*
If you have been touched in anyway by Katrina, I’m sending you a virtual hug…
Hugs to everyone,
Catherine
Wednesday, September 7th 2005 @ 2:58 PM
Posted by Mari:
ooo. I havne’t thought about tootsie rolls in a while. My Jewish friend has been feeding me pickles since school went back in now I’m quite salty. Also on the lines of food, does anyone hear it Kashi cereal. I think it’s horse feed mixed with packing peanuts. I’ve been up since 5. time to go do some more work.
Thursday, September 8th 2005 @ 3:56 AM
Posted by Wenche:
The other night I switced into channel “TCM” and they sent “Casablanca”- oh, I just love old movies, lame, I know, but I love them anyway!
Wednesday, September 14th 2005 @ 2:32 AM
Posted by Laura:
Not lame!
I was watching “An Affair to Remember” the other night. Cary Grant…oh..my..stars. He was one sexy man. Him and Gene Kelly. I was born way too late.
Wednesday, September 14th 2005 @ 10:54 AM
Posted by Hannah:
“I was born way too late.”

So was I and on so many different levels! Music, movies, every thing. Most of my friends are like 30, I’m 17!
Wednesday, September 14th 2005 @ 12:13 PM
Posted by Wenche:
Yes, finally someone else who loves Cary Grant!! Hurra!
Speaking of movies, at the time beeing I am in love with “The joy luck club”, 4 chinese family - stories in two generations, if you feel the need to cry one night, that movie is a winner to help you…”snufs, hulk”
Thursday, September 15th 2005 @ 12:58 AM
Posted by tam(ara) duh!:
eeeeeeeee movie-talk!

i really love “reality bites”, its just so NINETYSSSSSSSSS! and ethan hawke is HOT .period.
i also love real” movies and films…have you seen the russian arc?? its sort of a documental…ppl tend to find it boring…but IMO its awesome.

thats all ppl im off to school now.

muah muah
tam-
Thursday, September 15th 2005 @ 2:37 AM
Posted by Laura:
For those of you who aren’t afraid to pick up classic movies, and had - shall we say - mother-issues, I think you’ll find “Now, Voyager” a great flick. A great flick whether or not you did, but…some of us might relate more than others.

Movies I Would Recommend to Anyone:
Shaun of the Dead
A Fish Called Wanda
The Princess Bride
Almost anything with Johnny Depp (including “Ed Wood”, and especially including “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?”)
The Rock (Nick Cage and Sean Connery and lots of s’plosions.)
The Indiana Jones movies in this order (don’t see them in this order, but this is my preference) Last Crusade, Lost Ark, Temple Of Doom.
12 Monkeys
Fight Club

Oh, and if you have a huge block of time, try and dig up Kenneth Brannagh’s Hamlet..instead of Mel Gibson’s. It is amazingly long, but he does..y’know..the entire play, and the cinematography is amazing.

Before I get cut off, I’ll stop here. Heh. I am a movie person.

I haven’t seen “The Russian Arc”. I’ll have to see what I can do about that. Want to see a weird movie see “Pi.” That movie is MESSED UP.
Saturday, September 17th 2005 @ 11:08 PM
Posted by Nicole:
Has anyone ever suggested turning, “Wasted,” into a movie, or is that just out of the question?
Sunday, September 18th 2005 @ 10:24 AM
Posted by tam:
i dont think that making a movie of WASTED would be a good idea….first it would be hard to play the part in the right way and to send the message it´s supposed to, and then the whole idea and thought of the book will be sort of…distorted.
iguess im not fond of the movie…

TAM-
Sunday, September 18th 2005 @ 10:57 AM
Posted by Joy:
I don’t know. I think what makes ‘wasted’ the work of art it is, is the writing itself. It’s kind of hard to transfer that kind of imagery and sentence construction into a movie. I mean, you could kind of do it somewhat through narration, but I don’t know how well that would work.

Joy
Sunday, September 18th 2005 @ 2:42 PM
Posted by Nicole:
I guess you’re right, I just randomly thought about what a wonderful movie it could potentially be, but now when I think about it, shoving 17 years into two hours might turn out disasterous. The movie could never be as good as the book, I guess there would be no sense in even trying.
Monday, September 19th 2005 @ 12:42 PM
Posted by Hannah:
I think when this blog first started someone asked Marya about that. The answer might still be in the archives.
Tuesday, September 20th 2005 @ 7:55 AM
Posted by Kevin:
Yep I asked if it was going to be made into a movie she said “were in talks with another country about it so i really cant say much”
Tuesday, September 20th 2005 @ 7:19 PM
Posted by Cara:
I would be so jealous of whoever played that role. So extremely jealous.
Wednesday, September 21st 2005 @ 11:52 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey everyone!

Nicole, Kevin and Cara:
A movie based on “Wasted” ? I like the idea! As for how they would “capture” it and everything, well, here’s my idea: as I was reading your posts about the movie thing, I immediately thought of “Girl Interrupted.” This was a rather complex story with all the elements, reality vs. fiction, etc. It wasn’t a subject everyone could relate to, on the contrary. Just like eating disorders. Very few people understand the depths of the disease, just like BPD…But still, the movie won awards for a reason! I’m sure it’d be the same with with this. Only better!

If they are ever searching for someone (I assume they will, at one point, obviously!) for the lead role, they better pick me!

Seriously, I’d love to do it, but it may not EVER be made into a movie, so ;). I still really like the idea of turning it into a movie, I must say.

Marya really said they were in talks with another country about it? Maybe that “other country” is mine. We just never know.

Speaking of Marya, I hope she’s okay and wasn’t attacked by a grizzly bear! Marya, we miss you!

Hugs to everyone!!
Catherine
p.s.: Finally, a discussion that made me smile today, instead of making me cry !
Wednesday, September 21st 2005 @ 2:41 PM
Posted by tam & TOTALLY OUT OF SUBJECT:
“When will you ever learn
That what happens there beyond the glass
Is simply none of your concern?
God has given you but one heart
You are not a home for the hearts of your brothers

And God does not care for your benevolence
Anymore than he cares for the lack of it in others
Nor does he care for you to sit
At windows in judgement of the world He created
While sorrows pile up around you
Ugly, useless and over-inflated”

from Nick Cave´s “As I sat Sadly by Her side”
Thursday, September 22nd 2005 @ 6:51 PM
Posted by Nicole:
I really think there was a distinct difference between, “Wasted,” and “Girl, Interrupted.” Discluding the movie, which I agree was very well made, I had extreme difficulty understanding the “Girl, Interrupted” novel. That whole book was just all over the place and after reading it three times, I was still thinking, “What is going on here?” Where as “Wasted”… Well you know, that was just pure awesomeness.
Thursday, September 22nd 2005 @ 7:35 PM
Posted by Marya:
HEY GUYS!!!

Well, as it turned out, I WAS eaten by a grizzly bear.

All right, whoever has dibs on Cary Grant needs to rethink that. He’s mine. Oh, and so is Bogart. So there.

The hiking trip was awesome. Completely awesome. Eight days out on the trail by myself. Bliss! It’s good for me to get out in the woods anyway, but there’s a whole lot going on in my personal life lately, and it gave me time and fresh air and beautiful sights to clear my head out and get myself back on the right track. Sometimes it can get pretty foggy and confused in my head, when I’ve got too much going on, and it felt SO good to just hike and hike and get sore muscles and sleep like the dead and gaze out over Lake Superior, which is so spectacular. Just what the doctor ordered. I’m heading back up to the Superior Hiking Trail in spring, and now I’ve got this crazy idea in my head that I’m going to hike the entire Appalacian Trail—someday.

I’m working on a neat project, which is coming along GREAT, and I’m excited about it. Also have a short article due in a few weeks, which I’m looking forward to. (Dangling participle; forgive me. :P) I’m also in the middle of packing my whole house up to move. I just bought my first house all on my own! I am SO excited. The very sad part is that my husband and I are separating. So I’m having a tough time. But I’ll make it through okay, and life will go on. I’m blue a lot of the time right now, but that’s how it goes.

I’m sorry I’ve been away for the last month—as you can see, there’s a whole lot of change afoot. I’ll be more regular now. I’ll be away for a week and a half starting next Tuesday, but I’ll post before then and write from the road, too.

Keep truckin’! Love to all.

‘ampersand’

M
Monday, September 26th 2005 @ 6:39 AM
Posted by lauren:
Marya, I just posted over on the “Wasted” part of your blog but wanted to get involved over here too, you guys all seem so great!
So sorry to hear that you and your husband are separating Marya…you are in my thoughts & prayers.
Monday, September 26th 2005 @ 8:45 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey MARYA and everyone,
Wooohoo! MARYA IS BACK! Yay!
I knew I wasn’t completely off track with my idea that she MAY been eaten/attacked by a grizzly bear!

Happy to hear you enjoyed yourself on your hiking trip! I agree, it’s always nice to have the chance to clear our head out sometimes in order to get back on the right track. It’s a true necessity sometimes, otherwise we’ll just fall flat on our face if we don’t take this time for ourselves. Things get a foggy and confused?? Tell me about it! I could write a thesis on one!

You’re packing up your whole HOUSE? I’m overwhelmed at the thought of packing up my tiny appartment! Yes, it may seem exciting and like “woohoo, a new start” but it’s not as easy as it seems. Beside all the excitement there are a lot of details to think about. Moving is definately the most stressful event in one’s life.

Oh ((((Marya)))): I am so sorry to hear you & your husband are separating. Try to think positive -I know easier said than done. Maybe something better awaits you in the future, who knows
Come to think of it: moving, being in the middle of a breakup, keeping your writing going and up to date, etc. That’s a LOT of stuff to deal with all at the same time..
It’s normal for you to feel blue maybe overwhelmed, in such circumstances. I don’t know what to say to cheer you up though

I’m sending you a ton of good vibes your way! Watch out, they may just around the corner of your street .

Thinking of you,
Sincerely,
Catherine
p.s.: You’ve been SO sweet towards us: taking some of your time to answer our questions and help us. Well, maybe we can help you too, just like you helped us?
Monday, September 26th 2005 @ 11:54 AM
Posted by Hannah:
On the topic of moving:
I think i’m kind of getting used to it. I moved 13 times as a child and I hated it! Now, I’ll be 18 in Aprikl and I can chose where I move, WOOHOO! There are so many choices! I am used to paking, I am rarely home so I rarely unpack.
Monday, September 26th 2005 @ 12:29 PM
Posted by Hannah:
SHIT! I spelled ‘April’ wrong! LOL
Monday, September 26th 2005 @ 12:30 PM
Posted by Catherine:
I hate it how there are ALWAYS words missing in my sentences, damn! I count the words to avoid a cut-off in the middle of a post, you know? Makes me feel so STUPID when I see there’s always a word missing here or there. *FUMES*. For those of you wondering: 345 words is the limit. Then there’s the cut-off. Just thought I’d let you know.
Catherine
Monday, September 26th 2005 @ 12:44 PM
Posted by Hannah:
Thanks!
Monday, September 26th 2005 @ 2:31 PM
Posted by Joy:
Glad you had a fun trip!!
I grew up in the middle of nowhere, and I miss nature like crazy!!! My compromise was moving to St Paul by the river this summer, and out of downtown Minneapolis (a.k.a. hell)
I’m sorry to hear about you and your husband. That sucks. I haven’t been married, but I DID own a house with a guy that I had been living with for 5 years, and when we separated, it was……well, it was good and bad and icky and exciting all at once. I mean, obviously there were problems, or we wouldn’t have been moving out. And I was excited at the possibility of finding my own place and really doing my own thing in my own way for a while. At the same time, it is always, always, always hard to leave someone you’ve shared your life with for years. There’s just no comfortable way to do it. It always sucks.
But here’s to new possibilities!

Joy
Monday, September 26th 2005 @ 3:09 PM
Posted by Tam-:
well my family & i have been moving since i was born, mainly because of my dad´s job. so i must´ve moved around 6 times ,in fact i was born in another province and everything…
though most of the moving out process is REALLy stressful, you get good stuff out of it…like you always rediscover things you already had but never noticed and feel like a complete dork because you feel like adquiring sth you already owned (DUUUUUHHH!)
so i´ll stop talking about <<<<<<< topic now cuz i sound like if i were doing some oppinion essay form my english class (!!)

now, Marya about yr husband….well i really dont know if it´s the right thing to say, but i believe the if you LOve someone that person MUST love you back, as if that persen was really meant to be with you and the other way round…so who knows…of course im not saying you dont love each other or whatsoever but that´s my oppinion on the whole break-up/dating/relationships issue.

and i will really shut up now and go on practising patti smith’s song on my guitar–

kisses to everyone-

tam-
Monday, September 26th 2005 @ 4:15 PM
Posted by Janie:
(((Marya…))) Thinking of you.
Tuesday, September 27th 2005 @ 9:57 AM
Posted by Hogan:
Marya,
The trip across the appalacians would take 5-7 months and would involve walking over 2,000 miles. I am sure that it would definitely clear someone’s head to be walking that long. Congratulations on the new house. It’s so exciting to buy a house, especially when you get to live all by yourself in it. I can’t wait to hear more about your new project.
Tuesday, September 27th 2005 @ 1:15 PM
Posted by Hogan:
I agree, the novel Girl Interrupted, was all over the place. It was difficult trying to follow the reports, mixed in with story, and then research. That’s one of the few books that I read where the movie was better than the book.
Tuesday, September 27th 2005 @ 1:18 PM
Posted by Rachael:
Well. So glad to know you are alive Marya! I first read Wasted 4 years ago, when I was 14. Since then I have read it 17 times. I kid you not. The funniest thing is that I olny brought a copy of the damned thing a few months ago! So libraries all over the place have that book under my card name, and prolly more than once! I wonder if that is some kind of record? Anyway. Just wanted to say that.
I’m sorry about Julian, especially cos you said in “Wasted” that you knew you wanted to marry him as soon as you saw him, but somethings just dont last, huh! And your husband Jeff, going through that separation! It must be hard, and I’m glad that you have something like hiking to keep you sane. BTW, do you have some sort of obsession with the letter J, cos both your husbands started with that! How funny! My boyfriend wants to marry me, but I’m only 18, so I’m not sure how I feel about that. We’ll see what happens, I guess.

Hope all is exceptionally well with you, and you are all good. Keep up the wonderful writing.

Rachael.:)
Tuesday, September 27th 2005 @ 7:55 PM
Posted by Rachael:
Oh, and my favourite word, for everyones information, is inevitible… Doesnt it just slip off the tounge?
Tuesday, September 27th 2005 @ 8:06 PM
Posted by Wenche:
Rachel, I myself got married at 18, although we are still married (have been for 11 years), I really don`t recommend it. Because I believe your goals and perception of life and your own personality changes alot between 18 and 25 years old. The longer you wait, the better you will know what you WANT with your life. And what kind of man you want to be married to. And what kind of person you want to be yourself.

Marya, sorry to hear about your separation. Reading “between the lines” in your earlier posts before you went on your hiking-trip, it indicated that some kind of trouble were coming up…
But congratulations with your new house! Thats wonderful, I am sure you will like it there. There is something special with buying a house that really belongs to you. Of course moving is stressful, but afterwards, when you are settled in, I hope that you get the feeling that you belong there and that you “are home”.
(This summer we moved from our small apartment on third floor (no elevator) for 11 years, to a little white house, with a garden including a lawn and apple-tree. Our own house! It is wonderful.It is home. Eventually.)
Marya, seems like your days will be fully packed in the following months (as they seem to have been your whole life!!), good luck with everything!
Wenche:)
Wednesday, September 28th 2005 @ 1:00 AM
Posted by Mari:
congrats on your house. definately keep us posted….and give us all a shout if you need painters or something. Does anyone remember what sleep is? gotta love college.
Wednesday, September 28th 2005 @ 4:51 AM
Posted by Anonymous:
I am going to have to agree with Catherine in that, although I haven’t been on this board for more than 1 post ;), I can see you take a tremendous amount of time & effort Marya to give thoughtful responses to most everyone. So, though I’ve never been married, I can imagine the pain you are most likely going through now. You have a lot of shoulders to lean on here!
Thursday, September 29th 2005 @ 7:56 AM
Posted by Lauren:
whoops, that last “anonymous” comment was from me, Lauren!
Thursday, September 29th 2005 @ 7:57 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey!

Lauren and I are absolutely RIGHT! Marya: you’ve taken some of your *precious* time to answer our sometimes crazy/weird questions and each time you gave us an answer. And not like you just wrote us back just to write back. No. It feels like you actually MEAN it, Marya! I’m not being sarcastic here. No. It’s true, you’re a busy person with a lot going on these days and I think it’s admirable that you’ve taken the time to give us thoughtful responses…

I hope you’ll have nice weather on moving-day! Here, it’s been raining like crazy, floods all-over the place..Yikes!! Due to this *great* weather, I decided to enjoy myself. I went to this writer conventum (spelling?!??). It was AWESOME! It was about/with Milan Kundera -anyone’s ever heard of him? I have all of his books/ pieces of writing in French and in English. It’s really worth reading it. So there. Which is what I’m doing today…
Today’s word: leeks
Tell me Marya, have those good vibes I sent your way, reached you yet? Watch out, they will be just around the corner of your street!)

Hugs,
Catherine
Thursday, September 29th 2005 @ 12:49 PM
Posted by Joy:
Grawr!!!!!
I just have to vent…..I’m working on writing out the articles of incorporation for my non-profit, and I’m soooooooo annoyed…….so I figured I’d come here for some distraction.
How is everyone?
Thursday, September 29th 2005 @ 7:08 PM
Posted by Fiona:
Just popped on here to see if there was an update from you, Marya. I just recently finished Center of Winter and absolutely loved it…only problem was, I read it too quickly! so sorry to hear about your marriage break-up Take care.
Friday, September 30th 2005 @ 5:00 AM
Posted by Anonymous:
“I read it too quickly!”

I can totally relate to that statement! I get SO PISSED when I finish books!
Friday, September 30th 2005 @ 12:14 PM
Posted by Hannah:
That last post was me. I don’t know why I forgot to type my name.
Friday, September 30th 2005 @ 2:50 PM
Posted by Margot:
Milan Kundera is great - Have you read The Unbearable Lightness of Being, and The Book of Laughter and Forgetting?
Friday, September 30th 2005 @ 10:03 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey!
Margot: Milan Kundera is wonderful! I got my hands on some his writings. The latest I read was “Le Rideau”(French) published in 1998. — Translation: “The Curtain”. I do not know if it was ever published in English though. As far as I’m concerned, I didn’t see other titles that could be the English version of it. YEAH! I heard about those at the conventum and someone mentionned those 2 books.

Have a nice day!
Cath
Sunday, October 2nd 2005 @ 9:53 PM
Posted by Lauren:
Has anyone here read The Kite Runner? I’m midway through and I love it so far. Very emotional story though, it’s tough to read at some points.
Tuesday, October 4th 2005 @ 12:46 PM
Posted by Janie:
I just wanted to echo what insightful comments have already been mentioned above, (particularly those from Catherine, Lauren and Wenche)… I tried before to write something that I hoped would be helpful to you Marya, but I was (idea)less and thought I’d just drop a “you’re supported and have listeners” type of comment then anyway.

Lauren… I loved The Kite Runner.

I recently finished a really good book called Good Grief, by Lolly Winston. I couldn’t put it down.
Tuesday, October 4th 2005 @ 9:18 PM
Posted by Lauren:
Oh I really want to read Good Grief!! I’m glad you liked it, that’ll give me some incentive to go out & buy. Is anyone an Augusten Burroughs fan? He just put out a book of stories, I’m dying to read it, I forget the title though…same author as “Dry” & “Running w/Scissors”.
Wednesday, October 5th 2005 @ 10:51 AM
Posted by tam:
i read some time ago “the drowning people” by richard mason, and it GREAT.
a really recomendable (?) book.
Wednesday, October 5th 2005 @ 7:16 PM
Posted by Wenche:
There is a song which they play all the time at the radio nowadays, “What`s in it for me” by Amy Diamond, a young swedish girl, only 13 years old, amazingly enough. The song keeps popping into my head…
Tuesday, October 11th 2005 @ 5:03 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey!
Wenche: I read your message and downloaded the song . It goes like this:
“What’s in it for me - I really gotta know
What’s in it for me - this ain’t a one man show
In my life you come and you go
Ain’t happy about it - so I gotta know
What’s in it - what’s in it for me?”
It’s a good song, as far as pop songs go . Those songs always put me in a good mood. The only thing that REALLY irritates me about such songs? The absence of proper ENGLISH! Argh !
“Ain’t” is NOT in the dictionary. What is it suppose to mean anyway, ? Amy sings: “Your games ain’t working anymore” […] “This ain’t a one man show.” They should change the ‘i’ into ‘re’. That way, we’d have AREN’T. These days, I like is “Pon The Replay”. I don’t really like it anymore after hearing it over and OVER again. I also like “Edge of Seventeen”. Check those out!

Alrighty, I’m off for now, going to the ENT specialist (ear-nose-throat). I’m 80% deaf in my left ear. When I was 8 years old, I had a perforated tympanum and had it removed. A long term consequence: 15-20 years later, you progressively become deaf. I’m SO SCARED because, well , they had to SHAVE the left side my head. I really did NOT want them to & actually fought with them: “Can’t you please put ducktape on the left side of my hair: that way, you won’t have to cut my hair!”. But they HAD to shave near my left ear -which made me look like a dork- but at least I could HEAR everyone yelling at me,lol!

With all the evolution/new discoveries in the medical field, maybe they have a new way of fixing my tympanum without shaving ? Today it’s just a regular appointment. Otherwise, I’d be hiding under a gigantic rock nowhere to be found to avoid the terrifying surgery, lol

Hugs,
Catherine -xox-
Tuesday, October 11th 2005 @ 8:57 AM
Posted by Kate:
Marya, is there any chance you will start keeping a journal again on here? or update your reading page? I was wondering what you have been up to.
Tuesday, October 11th 2005 @ 9:56 AM
Posted by Lauren:
Marya, did you get eaten by a grizzly again?
Tuesday, October 11th 2005 @ 11:26 AM
Posted by Wenche:
Catherine, I like your sense of humour, it seems like even in the worst situations some grim-humour inside you can`t resist itself to pop out to the surface. GOOD! That`s a great help to “keep going” even when things are difficult. How did your “ear”-appointment go?
Hugs -W:)
Wednesday, October 12th 2005 @ 12:42 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey!

Kate & Lauren: Marya hasn’t been eaten/attacked by a grizzly bear. She got back from her hiking trip and posted on here. I think she’s away right now…Not sure though.

Wenche: OMG! What a day! I post my message at 9am (11am my time.) I got to the hospital, at 1h45pm (my time) for the appointment. Met with the doctor (just general questions.) who after 15 min., sent me to the audiologist (for the audition test). Which took FOREVER. Got in her office at 1:50pm - got out at 3:35pm.

I had to pee so very bad! ENT closes at 4pm! The audiologist said I really had to do that quick if I wanted to see the doc.

God knows how, but I got to pee AND see the doctor too! He told me the obvious: I am, indeed, deaf from my left-ear. He’ll see me again in 2 weeks to look out at the options.

Now my friend Wenche, I am sorry, it’s 5:10am as I write this. I can’t believe I’m still up…I’m being a BAD, bad girl, not getting any sleep… Email me if you want, you are fun and make me laugh!!

Marya: Hope all is well with you! My thoughts are with you!

Hugs,
Catherine
Wednesday, October 12th 2005 @ 2:16 AM
Posted by Wenche:
Catherine, your posts always make me laugh too (except when they make me sad, but that`s mostly on the “Wasted”-tread!). Hope that there is possibilities to perhaps do something with your hearing later.
Most of you at this blog are probably maybe still sleeping at this our, but her it is 15.45. in the afternoon (you are app. 9 hours behind our time in California I think).I only connect at this site twice a week, when I am at work (shhhh, don`t tell on me!), because there I have access to the internet. Shame on me using working time visiting this site! But I always work so intens when I am here because of all the stress, so I am probably making up for it anyway.
Have a nice day all of you!
Hugs,
W:)
Wednesday, October 12th 2005 @ 6:51 AM
Posted by Katie:
Marya, where’d you go?
Busy, busy as always I am sure.
Wednesday, October 12th 2005 @ 7:15 PM
Posted by Jennifer:
Marya,

First-time poster here.

I wanted to throw in my condolences regarding your recent separation. I have recently had a break-up with a long-term boyfriend. Part of the reason for the dissolution of the relationship was due to my mental health demons. As you can imagine, my mental state deteriorated rapidly following the break-up. I have since gotten myself back on track, though still struggle with a great deal of fogginess in my brain.

From your writing, you have always struck me as someone who is very focused. If you could - please offer some tips on how you pull your brain out of obsessive-compulsive thinking so that you can go about focusing.

Thanks,
Jennifer
Thursday, October 13th 2005 @ 9:57 AM
Posted by Courtney:
Marya, I’m sorry to hear about you and your husband. I’m new to posting on your blogs so I’m not familiar with everything or everyone but I’m in the middle of your book “Wasted” right now and it really speaks to me.
Just wanted to let you know, you are helping me through a very rough time right now, and no words will ever express what it means to me, that you can help me just from the pages of your book when no one else can help at all.
Thank you again.
XOXO
Courtney
Tuesday, October 18th 2005 @ 9:12 AM
Posted by Joy:
So, Marya, is it weird to have everyone know so much about you, when you know so little about them? I’m sure it must be a bit frightening when people talk to you as though you’re their new best friend, and you’re like ‘…and you are…..?????’
I dunno. Just a thought.
Hope everyone is having a good day!

Joy
Tuesday, October 18th 2005 @ 6:45 PM
Posted by Wenche:
Marya, hope that moving to your new house is going well.

C, my friend, hugs for you!

W
Thursday, October 20th 2005 @ 2:13 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Hello everyone!

Wenche: I JUST got up it’s 2pm. What’s your email? Or email me. I wanna laugh with you!

Marya:I also hope all is going well for you. Hope that you are enjoying your new house…

Hugs,
Cath -xox-
Thursday, October 20th 2005 @ 11:22 AM
Posted by Amanda R:
Okay I just finished The Center Of Winter which was great by the way. I especially liked how it was written from all of the perspectives of Kate, Esau, and Claire. I have only read one other book that was written like that and it was also a very good book called Gemma. I don’t generally read books by the same author a lot so to see random similarities kind of caught my attention. So if anybody has the hard cover copies of Wasted and The Center Of Winter look on page 86 of The Center Of Winter and page 250 of Wasted. I couldn’t help but grasp that similarity I was just wondering if anyone else did when they were reading it.

Sunday, October 23rd 2005 @ 10:59 PM
Posted by Amanda R:
Marya-I love the way you write. You always set the scene. Did you find it easier or more difficult writing from three different points of veiw as opposed to one? I really think that format is very intriguing, becuase I think it is more honest about the fact that every story (even fiction ones) has more than one side. Anyway I really enjoyed your book. Hope you are doing well. Take Care

Amanda
Sunday, October 23rd 2005 @ 11:10 PM
Posted by Wenche:
Has anyone read “Aplle of My Eye” by Patrick Redmond? An interesting thriller. It kind of makes you scared of doing too many mistakes in raising your own child, thou.

It is a sunny day in Norway, but the winter is coming on too fast, it was snowing yesterday…

C:

Wenche
Wednesday, October 26th 2005 @ 5:49 AM
Posted by Hannah:
I’ll have to read that!
Wednesday, October 26th 2005 @ 11:51 AM
Posted by Hogan:
Happy Halloween everyone. As I took my niece and nephew out trick or treating I had to laugh as I received flavored Tootsie Rolls because I remembered the conversation on here a while back. Marya I hope the new house is coming along nicely.
Monday, October 31st 2005 @ 6:29 PM
Posted by tam:
yeah i missed school and rented some movies…from which i could only watch “it” beacuse being monday i was like really sleepy from having waken up at 6 am…

Im listening BLONDIE LIVID right now. *____*
Tuesday, November 1st 2005 @ 5:37 AM
Posted by Marya:
HELLOOOOOOO!

I’m back. I was not eaten by a grizzly. I got swallowed by a house. I HATE when that happens. Yep, I moved, and once all the boxes were in and everyone who’d helped me move was gone, I stood there in the middle of hundreds of boxes (most of which were books, which were incredibly heavy, about which everyone complained—I myself couldn’t lift them—chagrin), and I looked around and lay down on the floor and stared at the ceiling wondering how in the hell I was ever going to unpack all that CRAP.

But, lo and behold, I did, and now I absolutely love the place. It’s quiet, and peaceful, and beautiful, and just the right size for me. It’s an old brick Minnesota building, a four-plex, and everyone in the building is super funny and nice. Hell of a deal. So everything is put away where I like it. The bookcases are SPECTACULAR. The only trouble with unpacking was I kept getting stuck as I went through the books and just stood there reading every other one until I finally forced myself to do something besides read for once. Right now I’m reading Foucault’s Pendulum (Umberto Eco) for my novel, a book called The History of God for my philosophy (it’s fascinating!), and a book on the history of Middle Eastern culture. Oh, and I’m reading Mary Oliver’s collection Why I Wake Early for poetry. It’s wonderful. I am letting it soak in…
Tuesday, November 1st 2005 @ 7:39 AM
Posted by Hannah:
Glad your back Marya! We missed you!
Tuesday, November 1st 2005 @ 7:49 AM
Posted by Marya:
and I am SO sorry the recommended reading hasn’t been updated in forever! I will contact the site guy and have him switch it up with more current interests.

You guys, thanks for being so sweet about what’s going on with me right now. I’m trying to focus on all the good things in my life–I have incredible friends, I’m writing a ton, my research is going well, and I have a kick-ass house across the street from a killer bakery. And there’s some hope to be gleaned from even the difficult stuff. Whenever major changes take place in our lives, we are given the opportunity to assess where we are in life and where we want to be, who we’ve become and how we need to grow, what we’re proud of and what needs work. So I’m embarking on some hard work, work that will nevertheless help me move forward in my own development and, hopefully, make me a better person in the end.

In case there are any D.C. posters out there, I’m going to be on a panel after a play called The Body Project (which is based on the AWESOME book by the same name) on Friday and Saturday this week. I just realized I have no further information on it, so I emailed the coordinator and I’ll post what she says re: location, time, etc. as soon as she writes back.

That’s the scoop for today. More soon!

M
Tuesday, November 1st 2005 @ 7:49 AM
Posted by Hogan:
Don’t you love getting lost in books. I totally understand that feeling. I will go to my basement looking for one book and return an hour later with a completely different book It sounds like you live an amazing life. You always seem to have so much going on and you’re optimistic about it all.
Tuesday, November 1st 2005 @ 6:16 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Ohh Marya,

I can relate to the whole packing-unpacking issue. I know, it’s so exhausting to move everything in the new place. You’re just so tired, while being excited with your new place at the same time, BUT you then realize you now have one last thing to do: UNPACK! … Gosh, yeah…

Now, I am sorry, but I pictured you unpacking and I couldn’t help myself and had a good laugh. I imagined you, sitting there surrounded by bazillion of boxes, (which are about to explode in your face because they’re so heavy) later realizing you should STOP reading and START unpacking. Kind of funny. Aww poor Marya :)! I get in that situation when I’m throwing things out sometimes. Just sitting here, reading this magazine, and oh, look at this one, this card my friend send me 3 years ago, oh! another here!…The next thing I know is it’s 2am, I’m still sitting on my bed, exactly where I was when I started 5 hours earlier.

About what is going on with you: As I said previously, for me, personally, well, you’ve given me (and everyone else on here as well!) great advice and took some of your time,etc. If I’m going through a tough situation, it feels great to have people that are there for me…and vice versa. It’s all about giving back, not because I “have” to, but because that’s just how I have always been, it’s just a natural thing, you know?

Anyways, I better get going, I had terrible day and really need to get some sleep (more than 3 hours this time, hopefully!)

Nighty Night Marya and everybody else!!!
Hugs,
Catherine
Tuesday, November 1st 2005 @ 6:50 PM
Posted by katie:
Hey Marya,
Welcome back!
I totally know what you mean by getting stuck in a book. I recently rearragned my book shelves and it took me forever bc everytime I put a book up I slipped through it and would get caught in the pages.
Seems you like the new house so that is good. How is the bakery? Do they have good cofee too! It would be horrible if I lived across from a coffee shop, but wonderful too!
Well, good luck this weekend and with any odds and ends left of unpacking.
~Katie~
Tuesday, November 1st 2005 @ 7:21 PM
Posted by Janie:
Marya!!! [BigGrin.] So nice to hear from you. What you said about difficult situations being times to look and think and think (and think)… I couldn’t agree more. Good for you for being able to realize that, I know that it helps me SO much to focus on the positive, on the silver lining on whatever motherfucking big cloud there is.

I read The Body Project this summer and absolutely LOVED it!

Keep well and let me know when you’ll be in Canada.
Tuesday, November 1st 2005 @ 8:11 PM
Posted by katie:
Yes this has stuck with me b/c I know you are right but it is so difficult.
“And there’s some hope to be gleaned from even the difficult stuff. Whenever major changes take place in our lives, we are given the opportunity to assess where we are in life and where we want to be, who we’ve become and how we need to grow, what we’re proud of and what needs work.”

Since Andy, ummmm, “left,” a few months ago it has been horrible. I am assesing now and it is so confusing. I knew what I wanted before, but now those goals are hard for me to work towards/ But I am writing again. I picked up a poetry class. To move forward is hard.
I am glad to hear that you are working and moving forward in your own development as you said.
And, I for one,think you are already an amazing person who has touched so many lives already.
Keep being you and you will have no worries about being a better person.
~Katie~
Wednesday, November 2nd 2005 @ 4:29 PM
Posted by Lauren:
Oh welcome back Marya! I was starting to think you’d gone missing…hooray for being done unpacking, now you can enjoy your new place.
Thursday, November 3rd 2005 @ 10:59 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Janie: Yay! A fellow Canadian on here!! I think we’re the only ones! Glad you’re here!
Saturday, November 5th 2005 @ 12:58 AM
Posted by Janie:
Catherine - awesome. Whereabouts are ya?
Monday, November 7th 2005 @ 3:37 PM
Posted by Janie:
ps.. Marya and everyone else reading this, if you haven’t already read it, read A Million Little Pieces by James Frey and the sequel, My Friend Leonard. Yeah yeah it’s a bestseller, I know… but wow. GOOD good book.
Monday, November 7th 2005 @ 3:39 PM
Posted by Wenche:
So good to “see” you back, Marya! Have you noticed that this blog is kind of depending on you, in the periods that you “have gone missing” the comments are getting fewer and fewer as time goes by, and then, when you post a comment, it is like an explosion of people posting their comments, happy ones, like the bobbles of a champagne-bottle…
Hug - W
Tuesday, November 8th 2005 @ 1:36 AM
Posted by Hannah:
I noticed that too! LOL It’s actually kind of funny! I come on here everyday and look at the # of posts and if it hasn’t changed I come back the next day, and so on.
Tuesday, November 8th 2005 @ 12:05 PM
Posted by Tam:
sometimes….
i just dont know what to post.

But right now im really pissed of because of these new exams they sent to my school, which are compulsory (for everyone, not only those who have low marks) and have totally ruined my end-of-the-year Plans.

well, im back to maths

tam*
Tuesday, November 8th 2005 @ 1:44 PM
Posted by Anya:
Hi everyone,
I can’t believe I just found this site today!

Marya - I have been a huge fan for several years now! You probably don’t remember, but two years ago I tried to bring you out to the Claremont Colleges, but could not figure out the financial situation. The same thing happened the next two years at my graduate school

I’m so sad I missed your appearance in LA. Any chance you will be in San Francisco anytime soon?

Finally, I love Center, even more than I love Wasted, and believe me, I never thought that I could be touched by any book more than Wasted

p.s. is it okay to email you? I still have an address from the time we were corresponding about Claremont.
Tuesday, November 15th 2005 @ 1:31 PM
Posted by Amanda J.:
Marya, I will simply send you so much love and hugs your way.

And I love your optimism… I often get lost in the pessimistic aspects of my life and it’s nice to see someone -especially someone who I look up to so intensely- being optimistic about the tough times!

Lots of hugs and kisses!

~Amanda J.
Wednesday, November 16th 2005 @ 5:06 PM
Posted by Wenche:
I have a picture of a large (really large) rocking chair at the wall next to my desk at work, it has this text on it: (Translated) Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but you don`t get anywhere.

I find the picture helpful, sometimes when my sister and I worry to much we say to eachother on the phone, “remember the rocking chair”. But then again, sometimes I just rock out!

Hugs, Wenche
Thursday, November 17th 2005 @ 12:41 AM
Posted by Wenche:
Silence…silence…why is it so quiet here nowadays?
Wednesday, November 23rd 2005 @ 2:39 AM
Posted by tam:
final exams.
Thursday, November 24th 2005 @ 1:37 AM
Posted by Wenche:
Aha. Well, that explains it. Good luck!
Thursday, November 24th 2005 @ 5:44 AM
Posted by Kim:
Hi Marya and everyone else!

First, Marya, I have to say that I met you in Mpls. around 98′ish at a Barnes and Nobles in Uptown. I ended up sitting next to your Dad and he was so proud of you. Your family (Aunt?) seemed so sweet — sending you a gift basket and all. It was so awesome to be there when you anounced your nomination for the Pullitzer.

Well, I wanted to say how much I loved Wasted! I read it so many times when I lived in Minneapolis. And, it was so cool, how the city came alive to me reading your book.
Thursday, November 24th 2005 @ 2:17 PM
Thursday, November 24th 2005 @ 4:23 PM
Posted by Kim:
Speaking of families, does anyone feel like their families are fake, and does anyone else that has suffered from an ED feel like they have mothers that are control freaks? I won’t even start on my mom b/c I won’t know where to start. My first bout of anorexia occurred when I was 11, which I at least think is young (1989 — no one had a clue) and I was thinking about it the other day and I’m like yea… super control freak mom. Anorexia at 11. Makes sense. Not to trivialize, but I never thought that it was as much about “control” until recently.

I’ll be 28 and just moved in with my parents again so that explains a lot.

Anyways, I need to vent about something, and I’m wondering if anyone else can relate. I’ve been vegetarian since I was 12, vegan since I was 16. Suffered from anorexia at 11 and 20; bulimia at 16. I’ve gained an extraordinary amount of weight over the past 2 years. Anyways, it’s made no sense to me because I haven’t increased the amt. of food I eat and I still workout for about an hr./day 4 times/week. I just found out that I have a condition called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome which causes obesity in at least half of the women with it. My nutritionist and I are both trying everything because it’s very diff. for women with PCOS to lose weight (insulin is a hormone and PCOS causes insulin resitance, which actualy means that my body is in a somewhat state of starvation because it can’t use the food I eat; it is stored very quickly as fat. Anyways, here’s what pisses me off: My family is always on my case to lowe weight. Blody hell — after watching me almost die — in a sense really die — at 11, you’d think they’d ***ing learn! I’m strong and it’s been 8 yrs. since my last relapse, but my God, if I stay with them more than another month, I could really see it coming back.

OK… thanks for listerning:) Sometimes, a gils just has to vent!
Thursday, November 24th 2005 @ 4:27 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey everybody!
Hope everyone is okay and wherever you all live is not as cold as it is here. Yikes, 28′F last night. Brrrr!!!!

Kim:Fake families? Tell me about it! Glad you brought that one up, Kim. LOL! My mom is the biggest control freak there is on this earth… I’m in second place! No, just kidding here. Seriously, she really likes to be in charge of things, takes more than she can, ABSOLUTELY unable to delegate when she was working…

I really hope things will take a turn for the better when you move back with your parents…

W: I survived :)!!!

Marya: Well, I hope you’re alright and that things are going well!!

Hugs,
Catherine
Monday, November 28th 2005 @ 4:22 AM
Posted by Marya:
Hello everyone!

What a couple of weeks! Whoo-ee! Craziness. But I’m coming up for air at last. How did exams go for everyone? And how was Thanksgiving? I know it sounds cheesy, but did we all remember to think of some things we’re grateful for? It helps me to keep those things in mind; otherwise it’s too easy to get all tangled up in the difficult or painful stuff. I can sink into my little cave all too easily. Keeping mindful of successes and pleasures and gifts and people in my life keeps me out in the real world, where I’m actually doing something with my life.

MAJOR stuff in my corner of the world right now. Loving my new house. My cats are thrilled. The coffee shop across the street is great. I’m FINALLY unpacked—and the best part was getting all the art up on the walls. NOW it feels like home for real. In other news, the proposal for the new book goes up for sale TODAY. GOOD LORD! Send good thoughts in the direction of New York City.

We need to talk about the holidays coming up, what with all these family and social and personal issues afoot in here. Everyone write in about what they’re worried about and excited about, and we’ll brainstorm together about how we’ll get through.

Glad to be back!
Marya
Monday, November 28th 2005 @ 10:42 AM
Posted by Nicole:
Congradulations on your new house! I’m glad everything worked out for you.
Monday, November 28th 2005 @ 1:43 PM
Posted by Anonymous:
Thanks giving was pretty bad. I went with my Dad to see his family in Monterey, CA. We were suposed to have dinner at my aunts house. I was doing really well, okay I’m gonna actualy eat Thanksgiving dinner and I’m not going to puke afterwards!! WOW! Then, I found a hair in my mashed potatoes! Perfect excuse not eat diner, or any thing else till Sunday. I reallized how stupid I was being. Anyway my point is I have been relapsing really easy lately and I’m pretty nervous about the rest of the holidays!!!
I got a new Coach handbag over the weekend!! I was pretty thanful for that! Materialistic, I know. o:)
Monday, November 28th 2005 @ 2:07 PM
Posted by Hannah:
That last post was me:) I forgot to fill in my name.
Monday, November 28th 2005 @ 2:09 PM
Posted by tam:
Good to hear some news form you Marya!
well, my final(and unfair)exams will end this Friday, i´m sort of worried about maths…but well i´ll re check the exercises tomorrow.
I can´t wait for my holidays! ahhhhhh i´m planning to visit expos and designers stores and rent every bizar film i can find!
but MATH is the ticket to my fun, you see.
And well i dont feel like talking about my mum, about food or about anything of the kind, i just want to fucking forget about all of that; i know i cant, but in the meantime i just wont bring it up(again).

kisses to everyone.

tam-
Monday, November 28th 2005 @ 5:57 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey!

That’s great news Marya!! Thanksgiving?? That was a while ago, at here. It was on the 25th in the US, right? I know you guys are really into Thanksgiving. Turkey, family gatherings, etc. Here, we do that but only on Christmas day. Funny how cultures differ from one country to another. Now, please, don’t tell me the coffee shop a Starbucks, is it? You said, “I can sink into my little cave all too easily.” It surprised me, I mean, you seem SO full of life, full of energy, going here and there, always busy, I can’t really imagine you retreat into your little cave. How did the activity you were a part of regarding “The Body Project” go?

Irrelevant, but BTW: Canada’s Prime Minister Paul Martin is no longer PM! Martin’s Liberal Government Fell. Doesn’t interest anyone here, but I really wanted to say it! “Politicians are like M&Ms; Different colors, sure, but they all taste the same!” <= Read: they may look the different, but they’re all a bunch of liars!
My surgery went alright. I can’t hear yet: my ears are full of those white little balls the doc put. With the bandage removed, I’ll totally FREAK: Hearing perfectly with both ears, when I haven’t in 15 years! I have the biggest cavity EVER. It’s GIGANTIC! It really hurts, at one point, I actually thought of removing it myself earlier this week, lol.

Marya, to answer your question about the holidays: I’ll either visit the family (uncles, cousins, the whole family) or stay here with friends. I’m WORRIED about: visiting the family. I know for a fact that visiting the whole family –grandma with her 25lb ‘Butter Ball’ turkey– will be a source of anxiety. All they talk about is food, who lost weight, which diets work/don’t work, etc. I’m EXCITED: my bandage will have been removed. The Christmas spirit, songs, decorations, etc. LOVE it! I always manage to get in touch with my ‘inner’ child during Christmas.

I have to go to bed!!
Good Night Marya and everyone!
Catherine-xox-
Monday, November 28th 2005 @ 6:41 PM
Posted by Kim:
Congrats on the new house Marya! I can’t wait until I can afford a house. Although, with $100,000 in student loans I think I’ll be a Grandma by then, lol.

Thanks for the kind words Catherine. Sorry to hear about Canada. I know this isn’t a political forum, but Canada is my escape in case more of my rights are taken away in this country. As far as what I’m really thankful for: My Grandma had been on a bad downward spiral, but she’s stabilized. My cousin is a marine and just returned from Iraq with all body parts firmly in place. Yay!!!
Tuesday, November 29th 2005 @ 5:14 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey!
Kim: Ha ha! Your post made me laugh. So, Canada is your escape? WHY on Earth?? Mine: the US! Yeah, come on, U.S are AWESOME! Maybe not in terms of health care. Because (I have to say, ‘ahem, ahem’!lol) WE are the best, because here it’s F-R-E-E!! That’s great! But honestly, that’s where “greatness of living in Canada” ends!

In my opinion, US stores/restaurants totally ROCK: Target, Taco Bell, Starbuuucks, the list goes on forever!

Both DQ and Krispy Kreme are american companies (are they companies or…?) In order to have the permission to have them in Canada, they have to ask someone, right?? See, we JUST built the 1st DQ and 1st Krispy Kreme in town. You guys have had those for 2 millions years! I have a question: Does anyone know who is in charge of those things? I assume someone has to ask someone else for the permission or a permit, in order to be allowed to build a DQ/Krispy Kreme restaurant?? I’m asking because, if I can, I’ll ask them to build Starbucks (yeah!!!) all over the place.And a few Taco Bell restaurants. Then, I’ll officially be in heaven….o:)

That’s it for now :)!
Wishing everyone a nice day!
Catherine
Tuesday, November 29th 2005 @ 12:52 PM
Posted by leigh:
I just started The Centre of Winter, and it’s great so far. Congratulations. Also, as one of the million fans of wasted, just wanted to say you seem like a much happier person now, and it’s very encouraging.

p.s. for your next book tour, will you come to canada? ottawa?!
Wednesday, November 30th 2005 @ 6:38 PM
Posted by Holly:
Hi Marya and everyone else! This is the first time I’ve posted on here, but I’ve been reading through previous blog entries and have really found that many of the threads proved quite thought-provoking. Wanted to say, Marya, that ‘Wasted’ was one of the most pivotal resources that I stumbled upon in my life that set me on the road to recovery from anorexia four years ago. I picked up ‘Wasted’ to use as a reference for a paper I was writing on bulimia and couldn’t put it down. I read it four times in a row and it remains my absolute favorite book. ‘Wasted’ opened my eyes and heart to the grip anorexia had on me and even though I still can’t quite say that I am ‘recovered,’ I am in my fourth year of recovery and am working hard on getting stronger every day. So thank you, so, so much for writing that brilliant, life-saving book. I also just finished ‘Centre of Winter’ a few weeks ago and I loved it! Keep up the good work and I hope you’re doing well!

Luv,

Holly
Thursday, December 1st 2005 @ 6:04 PM
Posted by lisa:
I am totally going to have to run back to campus because I am going to miss my bus (but it was worth the trip for good coffee) - I just couldn’t pass up replying.

Marya - sooo glad to see you back! I love reading what you have to say.

Catherine - 2 things (and then 1 more) - I still have a bag of all vanilla tootsie rolls for you if you ever want them let me know 2. one of my roommates is moving out in a few weeks sad day for sure, but you should totally come move in with me - you looked on the map once - it’s a ways - but a nice place. and last - Starbucks?!? there is “real” coffee out there that is sooo much better!
sorry about my lazy, sloppy reply . . .but i love you all
Friday, December 2nd 2005 @ 12:35 PM
Posted by lisa:
wow lisa! cut back on the caffeine a bit . . . i have officially gone nuts! haha.
Friday, December 2nd 2005 @ 12:36 PM
Posted by Amanda R:
Wow it sounds like life is really busy for you right now Marya. But it sounds like a fun kind of busy. Thanks giving started off like it was going to be the worst ever. My whole family just moved to Missouri in July right after my wedding, and so I ended up hosting Thanks giving for my inlaws which was a Crazy idea, but it was mine. I know everybody’s family is dysfunctional but this one is at a much higher level than most families and I am not exagerating when I say that. Anyway I almost had a heart attack over the table because I tried to rent an 8ft table that I reserved two weeks prior and when I went to pick it up they only had a 6ft table. I was livid. I was so mad I was having chest pain, it sounds kind of rediculous but I had spent the entire weekend before sewing (SEWING!! I do not sew.)a table cloth and table runner to fit THAT 8ft table. Luckily I found an 8ft table later and all was well again. And dinner turned out much better than I expected (probably because my husband cooked.) and the decorations (my job) turned out pretty nice too if I do say so myself. Even though it turned out okay I don’t think the stress of it was really worth it so I probably won’t do that again.
Friday, December 2nd 2005 @ 2:17 PM
Posted by Amanda R:
Marya- you are really lucky that you live in Minnesota because it snows a lot there. I live outside of seattle and we finally got some snow this year, and it just looks better. Everything outside looks better when it’s covered in white. But I guess if you have snow all the time it loses that. I dunno. Anyway take care glad that you’re all settled in, and I so wish I was going to visit my mom when you’ll be in St. louis, she lives right outside of it. It would be really cool to meet you.

Amanda:)
Friday, December 2nd 2005 @ 2:22 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey!
Amanda: It also snows a lot in Canada if you’re interested!
Lisa: OF COURSE I want the vanilla tootsie rolls!! It’d be great, considering the fact that the phone company cut my internet AND phone because i’d forgot to pay them last month. Geesh, i had to pay them $318! Lord!! And I have 44$ left in my bank account… Merry Christmas to me! LOL!! Whatever..Yeah sure just come on AOL and we’ll discuss this. 2-Me moving in with you in the US?? I hope you were kind of joking .. were you? Does it snow there?? I can’t imagine having christmas dinner and then looking outside and oh oh green grass all over the place… I don’t know…Oh well, I guess we’ll discuss this when you get the chance to come on AOL! Sure I soo want the tootsie rolls!

Hugs,
Catherine
Friday, December 2nd 2005 @ 7:54 PM
Posted by Amanda R:
Cathrine: I know I went to Canada last January and I loved it. I’m not usually one for cold weather but It was absolutely beautiful. I was playing in the snow practically the whole time, but that cold was unlike any cold I had ever experienced before. The kind of cold where your snot freezes in your nose. My contacts froze on my eyes it was nuts.

Amanda
Saturday, December 3rd 2005 @ 8:18 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Amanda,
Weellll… I think January isn’t exactly the best to come to Canada. Because that’s when it’s the coldest. I mean, not for me, because I think our body is getting used to the cold. Funny thing: in Nov. when it starts to get cold, like, 32′F we’re all freaaaaking out, “OMG it’s soooo cold..etc.” and then let’s say in January, the day following a snow storm, it’s like, 31′F and we’re all hyper, jumping all over the place,saying, “OMG it’s soo nice out there. Thank God it’s getting warmer!” and we want to go out in t-shirts and shorts almost!! That always makes me laugh! … The one place I dream about going is California.Where it’s always warm and sunny… Aww…That’d be nice.

Catherine
Sunday, December 4th 2005 @ 3:23 AM
Posted by Amanda R:
Cathrine- what part of Canada do you live in? I was in Edmonton AB it was like -8C or something. but it was really funny when my plane was warming up comming back to seattle I kept hearing clunking noises and was certain my plane was going to crash but it was chunks of ice breaking off and hitting the plane. And then when I got off of the plane it was like 60F and I was sweating because I had gotten used to the cold in the week that I was there. California is perfect!! I went to palm springs this last June for our honeymoon. it was like 100f everyday we were there it was so nice. we just laid by the pool most of the time. Except for one day we went hiking and well that was kind of a stupid idea, I think I was on the verge of a heat stroke I started talking nonsense and my face looked like a red pepper. But it was nice and we had 3 earthquakes while we were there. But I’m pretty sure it was becuase we were on our honeymoon;). It only makes sense because at the wedding reception some paper caught on fire and the Fire Dept had to come check things out, but our joke is that we were so hot we set the alarms off. Anyway take care.

Amanda:)
Monday, December 5th 2005 @ 11:57 AM
Posted by Joy:
Oh, the holidays……so much fun spending cozy time with family…..so much @&%()@#$*)! thanks to time with family…….
After going home for Thanksgiving, I have to say I’m a bit apprehensive about Christmas. For some reason, my mom has firmly attached herself to one of my nephews as his personal ’saviour’ (she is convinced that no one loves him except her, and it’s them against the world…..ugh). Thing is, he’s got a half-brother that’s 8 months older, and she treats that kid soooooo differently. She’s convinced that he wakes up in the morning trying to find ways to annoy her. Nice.
It makes me sick to watch her interact with them whenever I go home.
I think what bothers me most is that I have been finally able to let go of all the anger I had against my mom because I told myself that even though she was extremly cold and bitter and sometimes vicious, she was doing the best she could and loving me as much as she possibly could.
It’s a lot harder to believe that when I watch her cuddling with my nephew, listening to him, telling her she’s proud of him, and basically doing everything she never did for me……..:(:-(:-( WTF????
Oh, and my favorite quote from my Thanksgiving visit? I wrote out a Christmas list, which included a pair of Seven jeans. I listed the size (which is the waist size for Sevens), and her response was “That CAN’T be the waist size, is it? That’s so BIIIGGG!!! Are you sure that’s not the hip size?? Do you really wear jeans that large??” Hello? Anorexic daughter in recovery here……a little thought before speaking would be greatly appreciated, mkay thanks. Grrrrrrr!!!!
Thanks for letting me vent!
Tuesday, December 6th 2005 @ 10:19 AM
Posted by Wenche:
Here comes this week really deep comment: Have read the conversation about vanilla tootsie rolls at this blog with increasing interest - although I never tasted it and never heard of it, this candy sounds quite obsessive I have a candy favourite myself, but I don`t know if you have it “over there”, we call it “skole-kritt” in norwegian, directly translated: school - chalk. It is small, white “chalks”, app. 2 cm long, a mixture of liquorice and mint. When you first start eating them you can`t stop. BUT, there is a small, but important thing; several candy-makers are allowed to make them, so the taste can be really different from each producer. I have tracked down one store that sells “my” candy, this store is outside of the city, which means I have to go for a 20-minutes drive to get hold of them! But hey, when I am there, I buy enough to last for a few weeks…!

Ooops, this is really so not interesting!!

W
Wednesday, December 7th 2005 @ 4:38 AM
Posted by Amanda R:
Wenche- I think they make something like that here but they are called or at least were called candy cigarettes. A totally absurd idea to make smoking seem yummy to a child but you know they were so good. I don’t know if they make them anymore or not and if they do what they are called. Anyway that’s my tidbit. Take care
Amanda:)
Saturday, December 10th 2005 @ 10:22 AM
Posted by Hogan:
I was teaching my nephew how to smoke candy cigarettes on Halloween. I didn’t even know the made them anymore. How is everyone doing this Holiday season? I am having a rough time. I hate that the holidays throw off my perfectly scheduled routine. I look forward to returning to University in January. My books keep me sane, structured, and happy. And when the sunshine returns I will be really happy. I think I need to some where warm. Winter is Michigan is not fun!
Saturday, December 10th 2005 @ 6:14 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey Marya and everyone,

How are you all feeling today? Over here, things are a bit crazy. My stress level is through the roof, literally! I JUST found out we’re going to visit the family. I should be happy. But the only thing I can think of is my grandma’s 25lb Butterball turkey. I’m also worried because I don’t know EXACTLY how things will go, how long we’re staying. My mom said we’d “go with the flow and take it easy.” <= That’s a foreign language to me. I don’t know what it means. It freaks me out, without my routine and my own little structed daily life, you know?

Hogan: (((Hugs to you!))) I know how you feel about the holidays and your regular routine you’re used to. I know, it’s driving me bonkers here too! I may not be in school but I still have my little daily routine. The thought of it being taken away, even for a few days, just drives me insane here! On a funnier note: I sympathize with you and the cold winter weather you’re getting in Michigan. Here’s it’s like, 5′F! No wonder I didn’t go outside AT ALL in the past week. I hate it, when it’s THAT cold, whenever I get back inside, my fingers are like dead. Can’t feel them anymore. It’s terrible: the MINUTE I get back in, my fingers go into what I called the “defrosting process”. And THAT HURTS - Ouch.

Anyways, that’s about it for now.
Have to go and calm down…
Hugs,
Catherine -xox-
Sunday, December 11th 2005 @ 5:57 PM
Posted by Hogan:
Catherine, it’s nice to know that someone else understands the need for structure and routine. Somehow we will survive this season
Tuesday, December 13th 2005 @ 3:22 PM
Posted by Amanda R:
OHMIGOD I’m Pregnant!!!!:o I’m really thankful that I’m in a better place in recovery now. So Nuts!!!!
Amanda R
Thursday, December 15th 2005 @ 12:10 AM
Posted by Wenche:
Amanda, congratulations so much! You are so lucky! I bet you are still in a state of chock right now, and drawn between extatic emotions and worrying about this change in your life! But, believe me, it will be wonderful! Good luck!
Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs!
W
Thursday, December 15th 2005 @ 12:30 AM
Posted by TAM:
WOAH Amanda, Congrats form this side of the world too!
And certainly it is a wonderful change.

—
On the Christmas Holiday topic, i just dont know, This year will be really weird, because of what happened to my cousin and the way it happened. And as if that wasnt enough it seems we will be spending the 25th at his family´s place, That will be deppressing and weird for everyone. It just isn´t a good idea.
so with that as the conclusion, im off to have a coffe.
kisses-

TAM-
Thursday, December 15th 2005 @ 3:52 AM
Posted by Nicole:
Happy New Year everyone!:)
Monday, January 2nd 2006 @ 7:40 PM
Posted by Joy:
Congrats on the pregnancy Amanda! You know……the body is an amazing thing when it’s able to work properly, huh?

I’ve been working hard on getting my new website up and running for my non-profit corporation- The Joy Project. Our goal is to provide additional support and resources to anyone who wishes to recover from their eating disorder.
So anyway, the website is still incredibly rough, and it needs ALOT of work, but I’m just really excited it’s up at all! Check it out at http://joyprojectonline.com
Tuesday, January 3rd 2006 @ 8:43 AM
Posted by Cara:
Hi, I’m never here. Just wanted to say hi, and I love your work Marya It’s great to see you keeping in touch with your fans like this, I love it! Thank you for all you do.
Saturday, January 14th 2006 @ 7:14 PM
Posted by Cara:
Whoa, I meant to say I’m “new” here, not “never” here. LOL
Saturday, January 14th 2006 @ 7:15 PM
Posted by Cara:
Hmmm, does anyone post anymore?
Wednesday, January 18th 2006 @ 11:59 AM
Posted by Kevin:
Hello Everyone , Im finally posting again! I posted in the very start of the blog and ive finally returned. Im glad for you Marya , moveing is great. Nothing liek a fresh , clean , crisp start. Ive been reading A TON, in the past weeks. Ive finshed “The Truth About Diamonds” by Nicole Richie, Very good book. Its liek and insiders gossip about being in the “in” group. Im currently readin “A Million Little Pieces” by Jmaes Frey. I got caught in the hype of the book and decited to buy it. And what a great a choice! Its such a GREAT book! It has such feeling to every page. I love and respect this book because the words are true. They come form experence ,greif , rock bottom and feeling. The words jsut ring true , (also the same reasond why i love wasted). After I finsh “A Million Little Pieces Im going to read “Her Mothers Daughter - A memior of the the mother I never knoew and my daughter, Courtney Love” by Linda Carrol. I bought this book becasue I LOVE COURTNEY! I loved her band Hole and her solo cd and everything else. lol I cant wait to start readin it. Then after that IM going to vbreak in my NEW caopy of “Wasted” I cant wait FINALLY my own copy! (Marya starting an ebay store of autographed books or writings?>Or even on here starting a litte store?) And finally after that im going to pick up a copy of “The Cheese Monkey” becuase Ive heard so many great things about it! And ive also been listening to LOTS of mucic! Thats pretty much what im up to. Great to be abck ~Kevin
Monday, January 23rd 2006 @ 7:02 PM
Posted by Kevin:
WHOOPS i ment (Marya have you though of opening up an evbay store of autograpghed writings or even a little store on here>) lol (and of corse my other countless type-o’s
Monday, January 23rd 2006 @ 7:05 PM
Posted by TAM:
I`m reading Rimbaud and finishing “the professor” by charlotte bronte.
I did love courtney and Hole , but she`s just so fucked up now…i mean when she sung “when the fire goes out you`d better learn to fake/it`s better to rise than to fade away”(which are kurt`s words actually) she really meant it.

oh well im on the beach, but still feeling fucking stressed out.

maybe it`s the matress of the duplex in which my family & i are staying.aaaa is so uncomfortable…you can feel the wood of the bed under it. GR!

ill be cheking the boards when i can.

adieu

TAM-
Monday, January 23rd 2006 @ 8:09 PM
Posted by Kevin:
Courtney jsut got out of rehab and lost weight and looks really really great. She is in the studio with her secound solo cd in the works. And therss rumor of Hoel getting back together.
Tuesday, January 24th 2006 @ 6:01 PM
Posted by TAM:
thats good, but now, i just care for her music.

————
Saturday, January 28th 2006 @ 8:20 AM
Posted by Cara:
Yay, people are posting! Awww I just read through alot and Marya, I hope you’re doing ok! Are things getting easier/better for you?
Sunday, January 29th 2006 @ 6:44 PM
Posted by Aubrey:
For the record, you spell it “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” Basically, just put in an “i” whenever you’re unsure about the vowel.

Did someone mention vanilla tootsie rolls? My goodness! Those are my favorite candy ever! I thought no one else really cared about them at all.

Even though the favorite word discussion’s probably dead, I really like words, so . . . Um, the radio’s on right now, so I probably can’t think of many good words (can’t sleep or study with music), but . . .

Rendezvous is fun. I like to pronounce it phonetically to myself. I should look for some of my old Spell Bowl and Spelling Bee lists. I know the Spell Bowl team had their favorites each year . . . I think Oberammergau was one of them. Spelling lists aside . . .

I happen to think petri is fun. Heh heh. A friend of mine and his wife called their baby “Petri” before it was born. I also like a lot of Goa’uld words, but you’d have to watch Stargate SG-1 to get that. Maktar Oz Kree! (I have no idea how to spell in Goa’uld.)

I also like chemical names. Like when the sugarless gum says “Phenylketonurics: contains Phenylalanine.” Phenylalanine. That’s just fun to say. There’s a la-la in the middle. Hehe.
Wednesday, February 1st 2006 @ 1:56 PM
Posted by Kevin:
I too like to read the back soda cans and other things to see the huge names.
Wednesday, February 1st 2006 @ 6:11 PM
Posted by Wenche:
Ever noticed that the number of posts on the “Wasted”-thread and the “Whatever”-thread is almost alwyas the same? Except that the posts in the Wasted-thread is much longer and deeper and more serious.
So, with this post, the Whatever-thread is lying ahead with 2 posts!
But who cares!!!
Thursday, February 2nd 2006 @ 4:06 AM
Posted by Wenche:
Hmm, that was strange, I mis-counted that!!! With one. Not very well done by an accountant!!! But, now it is definitely 2. Ha!
Thursday, February 2nd 2006 @ 4:10 AM
Posted by Wenche (last time):
I give up!
Thursday, February 2nd 2006 @ 4:12 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey!
Wenche… ooohhh Wenche!! You’re always as hilarious, eh? I wonder how Marya’s doing. Hope she’s alright. She didn’t post anything since 2006, did she? I have a question for her and hope she gets back on here soon!
Have a nice day everyone!
Cath -xox-
p.s.: Reminder to other fellow Canadians on here: It’s EDAW next week!
Friday, February 3rd 2006 @ 2:36 AM
Posted by Cara:
I hope so too! Marya! What’s up?
Saturday, February 4th 2006 @ 8:33 PM
Posted by Meredith:
Hello!
I’ve been reading all the news and I hope everyone is doing well. Catherine, I loved your line about the politians being M&Ms. One of my therapists said another patient of hers claimed America had a shrubery for a president.
Marya- What is the next project you are working on, and when is it due out? I can’t wait for it. I absolutly love your writting style, it has influenced the way I write so much.
Tuesday, February 7th 2006 @ 9:43 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Hello, hello!
I hope everyone is doing okay. Things are alright here, I guess :)…
Meredith: oh, my line about M&Ms? which one? ..OH!!! The “Politicians are like M&Ms; Different colors, sure, but they all taste the same!” ..?!?? Ha ah! Yeah, everyone says I’m a total goof and would be a great comedian –May I doubt, lol? Anyways, I’m happy to see you posting on here. I don’t think I’ve seen posts from you before. Glad you’re here!! We’re all super nice here, by the way. I guess that’s about it for now.
Take Care!
Catherine
p.s.: Cara: Like you, I’m really starting to wonder where Marya’s been lately. Who knows, maybe her computer broke down?
Tuesday, February 7th 2006 @ 7:10 PM
Posted by Aubrey:
I went to the store to get a copy of “The Center of Winter,” which isn’t in stock in any bookstore in town, but the checkout lady told me it’s coming out in paperback sometime this month. So maybe that’s keeping her busy.

Or life happens. I’ve taken so many vacations from my Xanga blog I’m surprised when I receive my once-in-a-dozen-posts comment. How do people manage to post three times a day every day for years?
Wednesday, February 8th 2006 @ 6:59 AM
Posted by Cara:
Catherine - yeah maybe that’s it, or she’s just busy or not in the mood for posting. Aww, i just hope things are ok.
Thursday, February 9th 2006 @ 5:14 PM
Posted by Cara:
Oh and i keep forgetting to ask this…is anyone here in Arizona?
Thursday, February 9th 2006 @ 5:34 PM
Posted by TAM:
I´m in argentina(?!?!)
Thursday, February 9th 2006 @ 8:47 PM
Posted by Anonymous:
it’s been a lot of time that marya doesn’t post anything….is she ok? I hope she has too much to do and hasn’t time to write.
Friday, February 10th 2006 @ 4:38 AM
Posted by Marya:
Hello people!

I am so sorry it’s been ages since I’ve written. It’s been a rough couple of months, but I am indeed hanging in there, and all is well with me. I haven’t had time to catch up on all the posts, but I want to thank you all for your good wishes and thoughts.

Lots of busy stuff, but I’ll keep this brief so I can read more of your stuff. I’m working on a new book! It was purchased by my new publisher, Houghton Mifflin, just after Thanksgiving, and I’m so excited about my new editor, Deanne. She’s just the bomb. I get to meet her later this week when I’m in Boston. Oh: I’ll be lecturing at Wellsley on Wednesday the 15th, and at the Harvard/Massachusets General event for Eating Disorders Awareness Week on Tuesday the 21st. I’ll be at Florida State Unicersity on the 22nf, and at Hamline University in St. Paul on the 24th. Hope to see some of you there!

No big news to share. The most excitng things right now are the new book and the fact that I’ve taken up boxing. Boxing completely rocks. My therapist thinks it’s really good for me, which cracks me up.

Anyway, I’m off to eat breakfast and get my day started. Everyone take care, and give us all an update on where you are and how things are going. Will write in the next week.

Thinking of all of you!
Marya
Monday, February 13th 2006 @ 4:54 AM
Posted by Cara:
Hi Marya!
It’s so great to see you post! I’m glad to hear things are ok for you now. I’m sorry you had a rough few months Thanks for all the updates! I wish I could go to one of these but they’re all pretty far. Do you ever/will you ever come near Arizona for any reason?
Anyway, boxing sounds fun! Have you seen Million Dollar Baby?
Monday, February 13th 2006 @ 6:20 AM
Posted by Lauren:
Marya I can’t wait for your new book! And I want to come see you so badly at the EDAW events youre doing…but I have to work Come to Philadelphia or NYC soon!
Monday, February 13th 2006 @ 6:57 AM
Posted by Catherine:
Hi Marya!
Great to hear you’re alright and that things are okay, despite the hard times you went through. Remember: those are BEHIND you!

A new book?? Already?? Awesome!! I guess it we’ll have to be patient and wait a few years until it comes out right? I know NOTHING about writing books/publishing/editing, lol. The only area where I’m potentially good is like, kids’ stories and short stories (read: nothing exceeding 1 page!)

My next question may sound weird but anyways. Cara said something about Harper-Collins and Wasted coming up with a new cover or something along those lines. So Marya, what’s up with that? As you are now with a new publisher? Can you have more than one editor at the same time, if you’re working on several projects?

Now, what’s new here well, it’s winter (duh!) it’s cold, I hate it. But I found out there’s ONE thing I hate more than anything: SQUIRRELS and pigeons! They seriously scare the **** out of me!Too many of those undesirable animals in the backyard, I’m scared to go out, literally! Ha ha…<- laughing here, yeah, but gosh, you guys should have seen me this morning -I wasn’t exactly laughing! I’m thinking of a way to scare the *** out of them!

Have a nice day!
Cath -xox-
p.s.: Any tips on overcoming squirrels’ fear are MORE THAN WELCOME!!
Monday, February 13th 2006 @ 7:21 AM
Posted by Faye:
Hi!
I’ve been reading the posts and I hope everyone is doing well.
Marya - I’ve just ordered “Centre of Winter” online so hopefully I’ll have it soon! I loved Wasted and from what I’ve heard people say I’m sure I’ll love this one as well. You seem very busy at the moment lecturing around the US - any chance you’ll come over to the UK anytime?
Catherine - I’ve never met anyone scared of squirrels before so dont know what to say to help - except maybe throw a handful of nuts to them and run in the opposite direction!! Personally I hate ravens and crows so can sympathise on the pigeon fear!

Faye x
Tuesday, February 14th 2006 @ 7:28 AM
Posted by Cara:
Awww, but squirrels are so CUTE, Catherine! When I lived in the midwest, I could get them to eat out of my hand if i was patient enough. Sorry if that image gives you nightmares. lol

Marya - Do you know how long the new book will take to come out? Can’t wait to get my hands on that!
Tuesday, February 14th 2006 @ 8:55 PM
Posted by TAM:
Oh i agree with the fact that squirrels ARE cute!On the other hand i absolutely HATE snails& slugs ! they are so fucking disgusting and green…specially when they end up being drowned in something they get greener…ew just Grose.

Glad you are back Marya! i wish you all the best w/ yr lectures & with Boxing !
I`m not gonna do any sports but i am planning to Join the DRAMA club of the International House of English here in Buenos Aires…and maybe i`ll be able to travel to london next year(o7/08)…ahhh the only issue would be that i`ll be just 17 by then …hm.

> see what i mean? even the emoticons are ugly!
Wednesday, February 15th 2006 @ 8:38 AM
Posted by Jane:
Don’t know who the webmaster is, but we should start up a Center of Winter thread. Would love to hear people’s reactions to it …
Thursday, February 16th 2006 @ 6:20 PM
Posted by Cara:
That would be cool!
Thursday, February 16th 2006 @ 7:33 PM
Posted by Joy:
Marya, that is great about the new book. What is it about? Is it fiction/nonfiction?
Friday, February 17th 2006 @ 9:13 AM
Posted by Sarah:
Hey Everyone! Hope y’all ok and everything. Cant wait to read the new book!

I posted on one of the other boards but it seems like this one is a bit more livly so i’ll ask, i’m presuming you (marya) only do these lectures in the USA? Do you ever come to London or anywhere in the UK?

On a random note, having to read Upton Sinclairs ‘The Jungle’ by tomorrow, and i’m half way through!! Anyone read it? I’m going to have to do some hardcore reading today before Uni… wish me luck!! lol.

Love n Cookies

Sarah xx
Tuesday, February 21st 2006 @ 3:30 AM
Posted by Cara:
Good luck Sarah!
Tuesday, February 21st 2006 @ 8:42 AM
Posted by Valerie:
Marya,
I just finished Wasted. At one point in the book you said you wrote letters to your parents and in every single letter you made reference to eating. This is my 1st time on the site and in everyone one of your posts here you do the same thing. In your book when you did that it was at the point when you seriously spiraled. Is there any similarity to what’s going on in your life now:-? I hope it’s just a habit for you to say you are going off to eat and not a symptom of something else. I cant wait to read Center of Winter. By the way, Wasted is frighteningly dead on!
Tuesday, February 21st 2006 @ 8:11 PM
Posted by Cait:
Marya-
I was perusing the archived posts and I must say that I was very pleased to see that you counted Tom Waits among your favorite singers/songwriters, as Mr. Waits is my absolute favorite artist,above all others. What is you favorite Waits record? Do you prefer the older “jazz” or the later avant-garde recordings. (Cool fact–I met Bill Goodwin, the drummer from Nighthawks At The Diner. He was incredibly nice.)
Wednesday, February 22nd 2006 @ 7:55 PM
Posted by amanda rickett:
I just finished reading Night by Elie Wiesel. It was really intense. I think everyone would be better people having read it. Has anyone else read it?
Amanda
Thursday, February 23rd 2006 @ 1:41 PM
Posted by SuperSarah:
Valerie, i was thinking that too…

Hope everyones ok!
Friday, February 24th 2006 @ 7:34 AM
Posted by Nicole:
I just finished reading Night yesterday. Agreed, it was a powerful book. Depressing, but beautifully written… I think Marya put a quote of E.W. in Center of the Winter if I remember correctly.:)
Friday, February 24th 2006 @ 7:18 PM
Posted by Cara:
I’m currently book-less so I’ll have to get that one next!
Friday, February 24th 2006 @ 11:36 PM
Posted by Hogan:
I read Night and was captivated by the human experience of being in a desperate situation. When I think of that book I think of the part where the woman is screaming and they just hit her and how her son just had to watch. The image of the S.S. throwing the babies into the air and shooting. How can you be so cruel? No matter how lost I feel somedays I feel a bit guilty because there are people who have survived much worse.
Saturday, February 25th 2006 @ 5:41 AM
Posted by Amanda Rickett:
I also felt guilty for the things I’ve done to myself but I found a lot of similarities of living through an ED and some of his experiences. Not to say that is is the same it most certainly is not. But like having someone constantly making you work and inflicting pain and making you starve all the time and what it felt like. The ss made them do it and our minds did it to us. And like the emotions that could no longer be expressed because of shear exhaustion, and fear. Again though our oppressor was ourselves. But having experienced some of the things he described helped me to really get into that book. There were parts that I could not even imagine what it must have been like to have been there. I am certain I would have died just seeing them. I really loved that book it totally enraged me though. I have put it on my favorite book list along with Center of Winter and Wasted, and Gemma, and The Lovely Bones. Those are all of my favorites right now. Anyway take Care everyone.
Amanda
Saturday, February 25th 2006 @ 3:32 PM
Posted by Cara:
Ok maybe I won’t read it for awhile, after reading these parts you’re talking about! I don’t know if i can take stuff THAT intense right now. I’m such a girl! lol
Saturday, February 25th 2006 @ 9:25 PM
Posted by Hogan:
I thought Lovely Bones had a nice start, but after a while I felt like it dragged on and on.
Sunday, February 26th 2006 @ 12:08 AM
Posted by Marya:
Hey again!

Good grief, but writing is a crazy, sometimes lonely life. I just got back from lecture tour, which was a ton of fun, but I’ve seen about enough of hotels, airports, and cabs to last me for awhile. I was so happy to get home to my books and cats and very own bed I could hardly stand it. But I hit NYC for a few days between lectures—for those of you who’ve read Wasted, do you remember Lora (Tigger, Lo) from Interlochen? Well, we’re still the best of friends, and we had a blast bouncing around the city, listening to jazz, checking out some alt country and rock at clubs, and generally talking talking talking until we were blue in the face. It was awesome. There’s just nothing like a lifelong friend, or even a newer one who really, truly gets it (whatever it is). Just something about it makes me understand that none of us is ever alone in the world, and that there’s always someone, or a lot of someones, out there with whom we share a point of view and an experience. What a relief.

But yeah, lying awake in hotel rooms for nights on end gets a little lonesome. I found myself indulging in some serious self-pity, which annoyed me so much I decided to ignore myself altogether.

In answer to the questions about the UK, I don’t usually lecture out there. But I’m going to be in London in the fall, and maybe you could talk to your favorite bookstore and see if they want me to come visit. I’ll check with my publisher, too. As for Arizona, I don’t know that I’ll be out there any time soon. Sorry!

And for those of you who are curious about the new book, I’m SO glad you’re looking forward to it. It comes out from Houghton Mifflin in April 2008. I know it sounds like ages, but from my point of view that’s not far off–my due date is August 07, and I’ll be writing like a mad thing all the way up to deadline. Which is a pretty darn good life, writing, and I’m so lucky. It’s about my history with madness (not eating disorders) and about the cultural ideas about
Sunday, February 26th 2006 @ 12:45 PM
Posted by Hogan:
Marya, congratulations on the new book. Did you notice that the end of your post was cut off? It seems like you have been on the go for a year or so. Isn’t NY the greatest city?
Sunday, February 26th 2006 @ 4:41 PM
Posted by Cara:
WHOO HOO! I love it when Marya posts! So good to hear from you on here again It’s so cool that you’re still that good of friends with Lora. I completely know what you mean about having a friend like that, it’s amazing.

Thanks for answering the Arizona question, although now I think i’ll probably never meet you But who knows? Maybe sometime…

And it’s exciting about the next book! It does seem far away now but it will go fast Good luck working on it!!!
Sunday, February 26th 2006 @ 7:17 PM
Posted by Anonymous:
Hey Marya, i’m so excited for your nw book! do you think you’ll ever lecture in NY/NJ?
Sunday, February 26th 2006 @ 7:25 PM
Posted by Clare:
MArya, I’m curious about what you think of Elizabeth Wurtzel? Didn’t she sort of start the crazy-chick genre? What do you think of Prozac Nation and her other books?
Monday, February 27th 2006 @ 4:40 PM
Posted by Angelica Benitez:
Dear Marya,
I love both of your books. I feel a common bond with you, I also am 31 & divorced. I know that it will take alittle time, but I promise you will get through! Just keep your friends close by, and never give up! Not everyone is meant to be married, and if it’s meant to be we’ll both meet someone better suited for us next time! So keep strong and I’ll keep ya in my prayers! Good Luck & God Bless!
Monday, February 27th 2006 @ 11:29 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey!
As Cara wrote: “WHOO HOO!!” Yeah, whoo hoo indeed!! I’m also always happy when Marya posts on here! But hey Cara, isn’t whoo hoo supposed to be spelled “woo-hoo” ?! Funny but serious question here…
Of course, I remember Lora! Pretty cool you’re still best friends with her… I agree, we’re never completely alone in this world…There’s ALWAYS someone out there, a shoulder to cry on, someone with whom we can share a good laugh, etc.

So Marya, what do you mean “I decided to ignore myself altogether.” What’s that suppose to mean?? Just wondering…

I have to go but I wanted to wish all of you guys a GREAT EDAW! Ours was early Feb, so there.

Big Hugs,
Catherine
Tuesday, February 28th 2006 @ 5:00 AM
Posted by Cara:
Catherine - LOL “woo hoo” probably is spelled your way…hmmm now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t know why i spell it with an “h” in there!
Ok question for you too - What is EDAW? And i bet i’ll feel stupid when I hear the answer because i’ll probably already know, i’m just not thinking of it now or something. lol

And what’s the deal with having to type in letters at the bottom of the screen now, before we post?
Tuesday, February 28th 2006 @ 6:04 AM
Posted by amanda rickett:
Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Yeah the letters thing is weird. Anyway Marya- it is really cool that you have remained friends with Lora after all these years. I think friends like that are really rare to come by. I had a friend like that once her name was Sarah, She passed away March 22nd 2003, two weeks before my birthday, from complications due to systemic lupus. I always tell people to never take for granted those friendships that are so rare you never know how long they’ll be there.
Anyway it’s way cool to hear about your new project. And 2008 will be here before you know it, I totally agree with you there. Anyway take care work hard but play harder.
Amanda
Tuesday, February 28th 2006 @ 2:12 PM
Posted by Tam:
I’m so glad to see this board alive, i havnt been online in a while.
Anyways that’s great marya that you are still friends with Lora, and even have time in that busy life of yours(?) to spend time hanging with her.
I dont know why but i sometimes feel really unconfortable even with my best friend. It’s like she doesnt notice but i feel like i’d rather be alone at home or something…lol! I mean i do love my 2 best friends and all, but sometimes is like the three of us are there because there was nothing else to do.And it’s even better to talk about important or personal things with someone you dont even know that well(real ppl, not in the internet i mean)..i dont know.

Ahhh It`s 8 am, i really hate waking up so early! but i guess i’ll have to get used to it since i’ll start school next week.(GR!)

so well since i dont have anything interesting to say, except that the Pulp-Live dvd is GREAT. I’m out of here.

By the way, your new book will be out for my 18th birthday, how cool is that?
Thursday, March 2nd 2006 @ 4:07 AM
Posted by Carolyn:
Marya,
My book group just read Wasted (at my suggestion; I’d read a piece you wrote in Minneapolis-St. Paul Magazine or the Minnesota Monthly some years ago, and then read and loved The Center of WInter) and I wanted to tell you it gave us a lot to talk about. We are six women, between 30 and 47, none of whom has had an ED, but there was much in Wasted that we could relate to and recognize in ourselves. (There are probably two women on the planet who have a normal relationship with food, on some island where there are no mirrors.) I am a writer, and can imagine that writing each and every sentence of Wasted must have been terrifying for you. I’m glad you had the courage to do it, and that you are doing even better now.

Carolyn
Friday, March 3rd 2006 @ 8:35 AM
Posted by Janie:
Hey Marya and everyone else. I believe the last time I posted here was a year or so ago, and given the madness of the last school year and summer I drifted away but still check in when feeling inspired or compelled to do so. Hope you’re all doing alright and ready to embrace the upcoming smell of melting snow, if that’s your particular climate at the moment.

“There’s just nothing like a lifelong friend, or even a newer one who really, truly gets it (whatever it is)”
YES. YESYESYESYSES.
heh.
as you can see, i TOTALLY get it.
it’s one of the best feelings in the world, isn’t it? that’s my relationship with my soulmate friend Cynthia: our differences see minimal when it comes to the common ground we share and how SEEN we feel when we’re in each other’s presence. My friend Lauren is another yet slightly different example, but the bottom line is… I know.
“You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself”..

That saaaaid, Marya, I’m so happy to hear that you’re still close with Lora. (Is it weird to have people ‘remember’ your friends? Well, no less strange than have them remember your intimate thoughts, heh.. But every time I see Nutter Butter cookies I think of Lora. Ha! Ask her if she still eats them.

You were in Manhattan?! *shock* So was I, just went over my spring (yeah right, that’s not what the weather here says) break with a friend. Well, fancy that I didn’t see you (if you were even there the same week I was) on the streets of a city of 7 million!

Be well.
xo
Friday, March 3rd 2006 @ 8:44 PM
Posted by Kevin:
So glad to see you back Marya , and very glad to hear you working on a new book. I have to make this a short post. Just stopped by to say Hi to everyone.
Sunday, March 5th 2006 @ 12:19 PM
Posted by Jenn:
I hate depression. I hate how no matter how hard I try to climb out of it, it just keeps trying to swallow me. I’m not sure why I’m posting this. I don’t want pity, I want conversation. Intelligent conversation. Something reassuring or some bullshit like that. Sigh.:-(
Saturday, March 11th 2006 @ 7:41 PM
Posted by Anonymous:
Jenn-I completely understand your post. Intelligent conversation seems impossible to find. I just look at people and wonder if they are really that dumb or if they are just acting that way. In my counseling sessions I just keep saying I don’t know how your supposed to help me because I can’t see things getting better. I just listen to my Wasted CDs over and over and over again because at least there is somebody who understands, there are words to make my madness seem a bit calmer. My only frustration with that is that it’s abridged and I wonder why they chose to do that. Anyway, it’s been a week since you posted are you feeling any better?
Friday, March 17th 2006 @ 4:11 PM
Posted by Meredith:
Marya, I’m so happy to hear about your new book. I’ve said earlier, I love your style and the way you look at topics and “attack” then to get to the truth is fantastic. I can’t wait for it, I’ll be ticking off days on my calander.

I’m glad you had fun in NYC but you know the best city on earth? Chicago! Come on over here sometime.

Jenn- I’ve felt the same way, everyone has the intellect of the average Jerry Springer guest. Try not to get down, there are smart people in the world, evidenced by universities, people on here, advances in science (DaVinci was no idiot), and many, many other things. I know very smart people and we have wonderful stimulating conversation. It took awhile to find them, but I did. Just as my friends make me smarter by presenting me with new information and new ways of thinking, I make them smarter too. Perhaps talking to someone and helping them keep up with you will help provide what you need. Keep looking and don’t give up.
Friday, March 24th 2006 @ 6:38 AM
Posted by Kate:
Hi Marya, I was just wondering if you are going to be in NYC anytime in the planned future–I’d love to attend a lecture if there are any coming up here in the city.
Sunday, March 26th 2006 @ 4:45 PM
Posted by maria:
KIM-
i hope you read this. tell your family to f- off. no joke. my mom is obsessed about weight and eating and yadda yadda. and finally after 20 years of her crap i told her to back off that i won’t even think of being around her if she doesn’t let up and let me live my life. i told her to let me experience the world for myself, to learn my lessons. i didn’t ask this from her, i DEMANDED it. she almost fell over, and i know she’ll continue to push my buttons. but she knows where i stand. she knows i won’t be told what to eat or how to live. Kim, you have to do that for yourself i think. and not so that you can destructively live your life, but so you can grow as a person and become the great person you are with an identity of your own. you of course will still love and need your family, but you will also be demanding that they respect your autonomy. Good Luck
Maria
Monday, March 27th 2006 @ 1:03 PM
Posted by Jen:
Hi Marya– I’m wondering if you will be lecturing anywhere in the Wash DC/Baltimore area anytime this year? I too am an “artsy” person that has “recovered” from anorexia and bulimia, the worst of it being while I was at music school in Cincinnati. I swear we artist types seem to get it the worst! By the way, it may be helpful to all of us if you post your lecture schedule on your website considering they are of great interest to most of us! Good luck!! ~Jennifer

Monday, March 27th 2006 @ 6:57 PM
Posted by Felicity:
^”Suffer for your art”
I think it’s because, as a rule, ‘artistes’ are more sensitive to the world around them. They have to be. You suffer your art for your life.
‘Wasted’ prevented me from falling face first down the toilet. I was so close, so obsessed, but the book pushed a button. I didn’t really want to die, did I?
I’m still not sure. I still have other issues, I’ve started losing it again after 6 months, which isn’t good - but I do know that I don’t want to die like that. I need to change.
But Marya stopped that bit…so, thanks…
Thursday, March 30th 2006 @ 5:27 AM
Posted by Amanda Reinert:
Hi its my first time here, i just read Felicity’s post and i just want to tell you that you have a friend, ill be here for you, know that you are not alone in the stuggle. I am currently reading Wasted its the best hug you could ever have. Keep you head up, you are a strong woman, dont ever forget that
Friday, March 31st 2006 @ 10:48 PM
Posted by Kelly:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARYA!!!!!!!!:):)
I hope you have a truely amazing day!!
Tuesday, April 4th 2006 @ 6:48 AM
Posted by Hannah:
Happy Birthday!
Tuesday, April 4th 2006 @ 8:21 AM
Posted by Amanda R:
Happy Birthday Marya!!! May your’s be better than mine was yesterday!!
Amanda:)
Tuesday, April 4th 2006 @ 9:01 AM
Posted by Tam:
Woah it’s true! Happy birthday Marya!!!!

mine was on sunday.:P:)
Tuesday, April 4th 2006 @ 3:26 PM
Posted by Hannah:
Mine is Friday! I’ll be 18! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, April 4th 2006 @ 6:14 PM
Posted by Amanda R:
Aries Rock!!!! I guess everybody else isn’t so bad either. LOL JK
Wednesday, April 5th 2006 @ 8:48 AM
Posted by Hannah:
LOL! Aries do ROCK! Not to mention our Birth Stone in Diamond!
Wednesday, April 5th 2006 @ 9:04 AM
Posted by Hannah:
I meant, is Diamond.
Wednesday, April 5th 2006 @ 9:05 AM
Posted by Tam:
ah yeah we get the best stuff in the horoscope(?)
Wednesday, April 5th 2006 @ 6:18 PM
Posted by Amanda R:
Yes we aries ar by far the best. JK Look what I found. I thought it was really funny and I thought all aries would get a big kick out of it.
You are the pioneering type. You are adventurous, energetic, enthusiastic, confident, dynamic, and quick-witted. You hold most people in contempt. You have a driving need to be First and Best. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are self-reliant, self-absorbed, self-assertive, self-indulgent, self-righteous, and self-centered. But these traits are balanced by an overpowering need to be frank, direct, and candid. You have no tact. You can insult and hurt people without trying, but you enjoy putting forth that little extra effort. You are open to new ideas and challenges, as long as there is an opportunity for personal satisfaction and advancement. Like your stone, the diamond, you are hard-headed, multi-faceted, brilliant, and beautiful. You would sell your mother to get what you want. You tend to be overly optimistic, especially when you think others care about you.
You are not very nice!

Suggested Occupations: Doctor, Explorer, Gunnery Sergeant, and Serial Killer.

Thursday, April 6th 2006 @ 5:40 PM
Posted by tam:
yeah, i would sell my mother if anyone was willing to buy her.
Thursday, April 6th 2006 @ 6:15 PM
Posted by Amanda R:
That’s so funny LOL. I wouldn’t sell mine. Although there were some times in the past I might have.
Thursday, April 6th 2006 @ 6:21 PM
Posted by Amanda R:
I posted my story on Xanga.com/mandee808_roxy. Read it if you want. It’s under the April 6th post.
Thursday, April 6th 2006 @ 6:26 PM
Posted by Amanda Reinert:
Mayra,
You give the best quotes in wasted and they are at the top of my collection, i thought i would share some with you and the others that give this amazing support. , i have them posted on the back of my door, so everyday on the way out i read them, they help and i recomend it for any one who is fighting this bulimia battle with me. I thought it was stupid when my psychiatrist recomended it, and i still wont admit to him how much it helps but i will share this secret with you. YOU are all beautiful, keep your head up
“There is a brokenness
out of which comes the unbroken.
There is a shatteredness
out of which blooms the unshatterable.
There is sorrow beyond all grief,
which leads to joy; and a fragility
out of whose depths emerges strength. HERE WE GO….
“There is a hollow space too vast for words,through which we pass with each loss, out of whose darkness, we are sanctioned into being.”-Rashani
2)”As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth,
so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind.
To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again.
To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over
the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.”-Henry David Thorough
3)”To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make
you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

~Ralph W. Emerson~

love Amanda REinert
Thursday, April 6th 2006 @ 10:30 PM
Posted by Tam:
I read yr story Amanda, and i think it was really brave of you & also a way of letting go of a burden…i mean i’d feel that way if i were to write about myself. Another thing i wanted to say is that it really bugs me how some girls- on xanga and on most sites of the kind- keep posting how much they admire you (or whoever) for recovering when they actually feel like there is one less competitor…you know. Like those girls who post tips & shit like that. They have no idea what effect that has on both, healthy people & people with eds, they think that they are better than the rest of us because they know that apples are bad calorie foods, or because they can get away with purging. I do not envy them though, I consider them sad people since they idolize an illness & try to make it “Cool”. Being Pro Ana is JUST SO COOL that it will kill you. And Then you might even go to Ana & Mia’s Heaven.
Sad people those girls are. They do not get it. They Choose not only to obsess themselves but to spread that obsession around. Anyway …

As for the Quotes thing, I used to have a journal and I would write quotes from various authors too & even my own, so that I ‘d think before doing anything stupid. It’s a great idea which has worked for me too.
I need to finish some readings for tomorrow, so have a great day/evening everyone.

T.
Sunday, April 9th 2006 @ 3:04 PM
Posted by Amanda R:
You know a lot of the pro ana population have ignorantly adopted this connotation of ANA. Like it’s not an eating disorder it’s a diet. Because a lot of the people say that they are ana when they aren’t anorexic, if that makes sense. Ana to them (not all) is like a diet and like most dieters they fail. People who are anorexic do not fail and if so there are harsh violent measures taken onto ourselves for it. I don’t agree with pro ana sites at all. I think if you are going on a diet go on a diet don’t tangle up the identity with that of an eating disorder it creates confusion and ignorance for so many reasons. I’m not really sure why people have to say that they are ana, like having hell raging inside you at all times is cuter than saying you are on a diet. The posting of tips thing is really stupid too because if you are anorexic you already without being taught have the disorder so there is no need for tips. I do not get triggered by the sites but I can definitely see how people do. However I do try to talk to them though because if they are sick really sick then they want out. No body wants to be sick when they are really in this. People really want out I really believe that. Maybe not at the begining or even in the middle but when you are done and you can’t stop what you’ve been doing that’s when people need to hear a voice that says ‘people get through this you can get through this, just ask for what you need.’ Sometimes you can catch them on that day that they need to hear it. I feel obligated to tell people that it is possible at all times. I have been given what I think is a miracle to have a recovery like this, and I feel I need to tell people the truth becuase if it happend to me it can happen to them and they deserve to know that. If I was triggered by the stuff on those sites I wouldn’t go to them and try but I’m not thankfully. For the people who say they are ana and aren’t I say the same thing because I don’t know for sure that they aren’
Sunday, April 9th 2006 @ 10:05 PM
Posted by Amanda R:
I don’t really understand the need to tell people you are anorexic or bulimic or a cutter if you aren’t. But our world is inlove with sickness and sadness and death. Society (unintentionally I am sure) has turned it all into glamor and beauty. It’s really easy to just see the glitter when they never shine the light on the horror. Or then again maybe it is seen equally and they just love being sick. or pretending to be. I don’t know but that’s our world. We need to change it one person at a time. Anyway thanks Tam- for taking the time to read my story I really appreciate it.
Amanda
Sunday, April 9th 2006 @ 10:11 PM
Posted by Stacey Brackman:
Marya,
Where are you? Your fans are waiting to hear about you! Don’t shut us out, maybe we can help you through your depressing divorce.
Thursday, April 13th 2006 @ 8:30 PM
Posted by Cara:
She’s probably not doing it on purpose. I think she gets crazy-busy, especially now that she’s working on the new book.
Friday, April 14th 2006 @ 11:05 PM
Posted by Jen:
Marya, I think we all can agree that it’s well past time for you to have a vacation. A real vacation, not a book writing/touring/curing the ills of our world trip. We are totally aware of this deadline thing you’ve got going on, but seriously, if you’ve learned anything it’s gotta be that you need to take time to stop and smell the coffee….let those around you help with the daily BS of your life, really I think it can only help. You’ve said many times now that you’ve finally learned how to just deal….take that blessing for all it’s worth and keep doing great things with your life….good luck….~Jen
Sunday, April 16th 2006 @ 7:52 PM
Posted by Cara:
I hear Arizona is nice this time of year! (Cause i live here and want to meet you.) LOL
Monday, April 17th 2006 @ 9:46 AM
Posted by Supersarah:
Hi Everyone, Thanks for the responce about the UK, maybe when I come to the states after University i’ll try catch one of your lecture things :). Talking of Uni, i wrote one of my essays on Wasted, well, it was basically talking about what writers have most influenced our own creative writing and i picked you, Vladimir Nabokov and Winston Groom :D. hehe. anyway, anyone loving American Idol this season? Go kellie pickler xxx:)
Friday, April 21st 2006 @ 4:12 AM
Posted by Cara:
Kellie Pickler is my favorite too
Sunday, April 23rd 2006 @ 7:33 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Hey!
How’s everyone been lately? Things are pretty nice around here… Not much is new, just wanted to say a big hello to everyone… And Marya, if you’re on vacation, that’s GREAT! You deserve it!!
Cath -xox-
Friday, April 28th 2006 @ 1:21 PM
Posted by Julie:
Amanda, your thoughts are really insightful. There is so much “pro-ana” stuff out there…I think if more of the people who posted on those sites and who actually ran those sites truly knew what the disease is, and as you said, the horror that it becomes, it would not be glamourized, and would not “appear” to be “attractive”. I think some people at times see being sick as a way to gain attention and compassion from others, and that’s another reason why it seems “attractive” (preaching to myself here). Anyway, thanks for your comments.
Julie
Wednesday, May 10th 2006 @ 11:30 AM
Posted by Cara:
Where is she?
Friday, May 26th 2006 @ 11:13 PM
Posted by Amanda R:
“Where’d you go? I miss you so, seems like it’s been forever since you’ve been gone. Where’d you go? I miss you so, seems like it’s been forever since you’ve been gone. Please come back home.” Fort Minor.
Thursday, June 1st 2006 @ 2:42 PM
Posted by Meredith:
About the pro-ana nonesense: I don’t judge people who say they are pRo AnNa yEAh bAbY! I am now trying to recover, but once considered myself pro-ana. I even ran my own website. I never joined the pro-ana movement as a club or as a diet. The websites I visited changed as I went through my illness, as did my intent behind clicking everyday. By the time I came I knew I was anorexic, but I really didn’t think it was serious. So then the thinking was, “Yeah I’ll go to the website, report progress, talk to people and leave. Like online Jenny Craig only better…this isn’t bad.” Then I got in deeper, “I’ve got to log in to tell them about *ED THING*, god I feel like shit, but it’s not so bad.” Later, “This isn’t so bad, no it isn’t. I’m can stop when I want, I can stop!!” Then, “Oh shit, I can’t stop.” Later, “So this is what hell feels like, but look there is someone else. I am in hell but someone else is here too. Hello fellow angel.” After awhile, “I think I am going to die soon. I’m taking this shit off the internet, so no one will ever see it.” And finally “I’m going to die, but how can I not log in? I can’t not log in!!!” And “What do you mean the hospital doesn’t have internet? How is this possible?”

I used my site/message board to tell myself I wasn’t sick, to justify getting sicker, and as what I thought would be a final comfort. At the time I thought it grew with me, though it only stayed the same. My mentality differed slightly.

I know people who at one point were die hard pro-anas who are now recovered. People can change and shunting them will only close the door to current communication. If they see you doing well and being happy, maybe they will want it and leave their virtual kingdom.
Monday, June 5th 2006 @ 11:12 AM
Posted by Wenche:
Hmm…it is pretty silent here nowadays…just want to wish everybody a nice summer!
W:)
Monday, June 26th 2006 @ 4:46 AM
Posted by TAM:
winter started on the 21, down here in buenos Aires.
hope everyone is doing well-
godnight & good luck for me in my accountancy exam tomorrow(lol, how i hate economics…i cant wait to finish it):(
Tuesday, June 27th 2006 @ 6:44 PM
Posted by chiara:
marya, how are you?
Wednesday, July 5th 2006 @ 3:54 PM
Posted by Liz:
Hi Marya, You’re book has helped me tremendously. I have been on the road to recovery for awhile now. I am even at the point where I am ready to try and get pregnant. I hope you are well, we haven’t heard from you in a really long time! Please write to us soon.
Monday, July 10th 2006 @ 2:03 PM
Posted by Lindsey:
Hello, I just found your book, wonderful. Hard, but good for me. Thank you.
Saturday, July 15th 2006 @ 3:24 PM
Posted by Lauren:
Marya we miss you! Post & let us know how you are doing.
Thursday, August 3rd 2006 @ 3:22 PM
Posted by Polly:
So, I think I and everyone have been wondering where Marya is. I was very worried that she was having a relapse because in her last post she said something about going to eat breakfast, and if everyone remembers in Wasted that usually meant that she wasn’t. But, anyway, I just found the following about her upcoming book on the Houghton Mifflin web site:

Journalist, novelist, and memoirist Marya Hornbacher’s MADNESS: A Life, about what it’s really like to suffer from bipolar disorder, by the author of WASTED: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulemia, and THE CENTER OF WINTER, a novel, to Houghton Mifflin.

So, perhaps she has just been hard at work. Funny, I thought she said she wouldn’t write another memoir.
Saturday, August 5th 2006 @ 11:05 AM
Posted by Julie:
On which website did you find the info, Polly? I’ve been trying to find it, but no luck.
Saturday, August 5th 2006 @ 4:33 PM
Posted by Tam:
http://www.rabiner.net/recent.html
Saturday, August 5th 2006 @ 8:05 PM
Posted by Tam(again):
on other news…
i got an A in my FCE!
i’m really happy about that.

but still..i’m not doing so well inside of my head..
AGH.

guten abend people-
Saturday, August 5th 2006 @ 8:11 PM
Posted by Dana:
I’ve been reading posts on this site for a while, but I have never posted anything myself. You all seem like a really cool group of people. I am currently in a relapse, and i’m considering treatment this time. But i don’t know if I can do that, or if I want to, or if i’m ready to. I gotta do something. I was bulimic, I stopped binging and purging, started using drugs, stopped using drugs, and now I am anorexic. I just got into medical school and i’ve been working so hard, taking a break will set me back. I kicked an 8ball a day habit on my own, why can’t I do this on my own? I need help.
Sunday, August 6th 2006 @ 9:37 PM
Posted by zena:
“So, I think I and everyone have been wondering where Marya is. I was very worried that she was having a relapse because in her last post she said something about going to eat breakfast, and if everyone remembers in Wasted that usually meant that she wasn’t.”

“Funny, I thought she said she wouldn’t write another memoir.”

i don’t want to sound provocative, polly, but those two statements to me seem idiotic and utterly baseless. Just because marya hasn’t been here for a while doesn’t mean we should start making stupid assumptions like she’s relapsed- she is a professional writer and she does happen to have a personal life so maybe she IS preoccupied at the moment, and to say that she might be relapsing just because she mentioned breakfast is stupid- she’s been nothing but completely open and honest about her recovery, if she WAS relapsing i don’t think she has a need to lie about it anymore. not everything she says has to be analysed here- for godsake she should be allowed to say that she’s going to eat breakfast without people getting suspicious.
and by the way, she never said she’d never do a memoir she said she’d never write about eating disorders again. maybe her new book is a study that also draws on personal experience.
Monday, August 7th 2006 @ 11:18 PM
Posted by Polly:
Perhaps you should explore why my comments made you so angry.
Tuesday, August 8th 2006 @ 5:26 PM
Posted by zena:
well that shouldn’t be *too* hard…

1) because you were making dramatic assumptions without any evidence

2) because you seem to disregard the fact that perhaps marya has been brutally honest with us both by sharing her life story and offering her insights in this blog, and we should at least give her the benefit of the doubt enough that she can refer to food without us drawing baseless conclusions

3) you also don’t seem to appreciate the fact that maybe she has a personal life and it is hard juggling her career and personal committments AND keeping up to date with all her fans.

i think the last thing she needs is people starting rumors in her absence.
Wednesday, August 9th 2006 @ 5:35 AM
Posted by Polly:
What I meant was, perhaps you should examine your own personal issues that cause you to be so angry about 1)me saying I was worried about another person and 2)me being happy for another person’s new publication. I think your response was just plain wierd.
Wednesday, August 9th 2006 @ 7:15 PM
Posted by Ashley:
You both make good points, maybe you two should just agree to disagree. Just a suggestion. I’m new to this site, so maybe i’m out of line, but I don’t think arguing is what Marya would want to see when she comes back. Lets talk about something else. How is everyone’s summer going? I’m really glad I found this website. It’s a great place to find support, and people to talk to about anything. I went to dinner tonight for a friends birthday and it was really stressful. I just need to vent for a sec. I got really uncomfortable being around all of that food, and I actually had the people sitting next to me offering me some of their food, and putting some on a plate for me, and I felt so ashamed and just wanted to get up and leave. I started having a minor anxiety attack, and ended up in the bathroom to hide in the stall like every 10 minutes. It was so embarrassing. I felt like everyone was talking about me, and staring at me when they most likely weren’t. . .it just sucked. All I wanted to do was have a good time. We were at this really cool place in Minneapolis, and it should have been a good time, and I was so uncomfortable, and now i’m sitting here dwelling on it, and what people thought about me, and getting even more panicky, I don’t even want to face them again. My friend has been on my case lately and I just want everyone to stop bugging me. I’m gonna get help but i’m gonna do it when i’m good and ready, dammit. That’s where i’m at today. Ashley
Wednesday, August 9th 2006 @ 9:13 PM
Posted by zena:
i really don’t want to argue but i think polly is being irresponsible and immature by implying that marya might’ve relapsed just because she hasn’t been posting and she mentioned food. i don’t think that’s how you express your concern or show support.
i don’t want to be provocative either, so i’ll leave it for everyone’s judgment.
and by the way polly, my ‘personal issues’ did not cause me to be ‘angry’, your comment did. you don’t have to psychoanalyze people everytime they disagree with you.
Thursday, August 10th 2006 @ 4:44 PM
Posted by Ashley:
Changing the subject. Don’t you guys think it would be a cool if Marya started a book club, kind of like Oprah’s book club, except I think Marya’s book suggestions would probably be a lot better. And she’s probably read a lot more books than Oprah. I’ve been reading like a maniac lately. There’s nothing better than completely losing yourself in a book. I’m in Minneapolis housesitting for a friend right now who is in Israel for school and he has a million books and there’s this incredible coffee shop across the street with a big comfy couch and weird art, I love it! Most of his books are about Judaism, and are in Hebrew I’ve read a few of the ones that are in English, and he’s got a lot of the classics. . .but I think i’ve read all of the books I can understand, picked up a little yiddish along the way, and now i’m out of books. I need some suggestions. . .everytime I walk into a book store without a clue as to what i’m looking for, I end up spending way too much time and way too much money. If you guys have read anything good lately, let me know! I’m feigning! When is Marya’s new book supposed to be coming out anyway? Anyone know? ashley
Thursday, August 10th 2006 @ 8:22 PM
Posted by Julie:
I just finished The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. It was *very* good…a little similar to Marya’s writing in that it tells it like it is, without any plea for sympathy. I didn’t want to put it down.
Friday, August 11th 2006 @ 7:02 PM
Posted by Ashley:
Thanks Julia! I got a few for you I just finished The Color of Water by James McBride. It’s a black mans tribute to his white mother. A beautiful book, it’ll tug at your heart strings Another good one is Children Playing Before a Statue of Hercules by David Sedaris. It’s a book of weird short stories, I loved it. Barrel Fever is another collection of stories and essays by David Sedaris that will make you laugh out loud. Another one I always recommend is A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith. It was my favorite book as a kid, and i’ve read it about a thousand times. Take care! ashley
Friday, August 11th 2006 @ 7:39 PM
Posted by TAM:
i’ve been reading a lot of short stories. I loved Carson mcCullers’ “BALLAD OF THE SAD CAFE” & Flannery Oconnor’s ” A GOOD MAN IS HARD TO FIND & OTHER STORIES”
—
anyways right now im reading reiner maria Rilke…cause i thought it was about time for me to do so…lol.
Saturday, August 12th 2006 @ 9:08 AM
Posted by Julie:
Funny, I also read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn this summer…and Jeannette Walls talks about it in The Glass Castle…it was really ironic, but the books have a lot in common.
Saturday, August 12th 2006 @ 7:22 PM
Posted by Polly:
I loved Flannery O’Connor when I was in college - haven’t read her in years.
Saturday, August 12th 2006 @ 8:37 PM
Posted by Ashley:
This is the first day I have had off of work in weeks! I am going to the book store, yay! I’m stocking up on good books, i’m gonna need ‘em. I’m moving from Minneapolis (a city I love so much) to a really small town about 250 miles north of here, back in with my parents. On a farm. I got into Nursing school up there, so i’m excited to get it over with. I’ve already been in school for 3 years, I can’t wait to be done, and back in Minneapolis. Moving day is in 2 weeks ashley
Monday, August 14th 2006 @ 6:39 AM
Posted by Anonymous:
If you haven’t read An Unquiet Mind you really should. It’s an amazing book about manic depression.
Monday, August 14th 2006 @ 9:14 AM
Posted by Ashley:
I just bought Flannery O’connor The Complete Short Stories, and The Glass Castle (which I am already half way through) and a bunch of Augusten Buroughs, and more David Sedaris. I am happy as a clam. Thanks for the suggestions, i’ll have to go and get An Unquiet Mind on my next trip :). . .
I hope Marya comes back on soon. . .
Tuesday, August 15th 2006 @ 9:27 AM
Posted by Ruth:
I like the word ‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilcivolcanoconiosis’.
Tuesday, August 15th 2006 @ 10:05 AM
Posted by Anonymous:
It’s almost back to school time. How is everyone doing? Are you holding it together?
Thursday, August 24th 2006 @ 5:18 PM
Posted by Tatiana:
Am terribly afraid that this semester, like my last two, are going to be shot to hell — but I’m holding out hope that this won’t end up being the case. I’m only taking three courses, so maybe I can manage it. I need to start doing SOMEthing productive. Been sitting on my ass doing nothing for far too long!
Thursday, August 31st 2006 @ 6:08 PM
Posted by Tatiana:
I hate to seem obsessed, but does anybody even come here or write nowadays? I just found this site, and it kinda depresses me that it’s not active anymore…
Friday, September 1st 2006 @ 9:50 PM
Posted by Julie:
I know…Maybe we’re all just waiting, hoping Marya will come back and post soon. We’re wondering how she’s doing, how her writing is coming along, hoping she’ll come back with some exciting, encouraging words. Good luck with your semester, Tatiana!
Saturday, September 2nd 2006 @ 4:30 PM
Posted by TAM:
yeah this site is not as active as it used to be…but it might have something to do with the time of the year…like our business lever(?) is really high…anyways , mine is.
I started german lessons! I got an A on my FCE!:):)
Ian McEwan is coming tomy town, i havent read his book yet, but it’s just exciting to have the chance to go to such event(organised by Kel)Authors&Coffee its called.
well my guitar lessons really frustrate me.
Sunday, September 3rd 2006 @ 5:16 PM
Posted by megan:
Marya,
I want to apologize As I have never been the type to seek help or advice and I do not wnat to come off as some sort of groupie. I was a nailtech in uptown for a bit and I did you nails once while in the midst of reading your book for the fourth time. I was so nevous especially since your appointment had been screwed up at the desk. You were very sweet in person. I thank you for that since I know how disappointing it can be to have mix ups like that happpen. I went to the same treatment facility as you twice now. Funny too that I have an apartment in Edina. I wanted to thank you for writing this book so badly when I had you in my chair bit my pride got the best of me and I pretended not to know who you were. Anyhow, I’m not sure that you will ever get this however, I could never explain what a relief it is to finally get it off my chest; THANK YOU! Thank you for finally writing a book that helps me feel less alone in this place. I had my family and friends read it too because you had a way of explaining what I felt in a way I never could. I’m glad That I don’t feel so crazy. So much of what you wrote rang true. No one has ever hit ED’s on the head quite like you do. I’m sure that’s because you’ve been there before. None the less Thank you for giving me and the people who care about me hope!
Sunday, September 3rd 2006 @ 10:48 PM
Posted by Amanda R:
Okay I don’t know if anyone remembers or cares but I had my baby boy on the 24th of august. He is totally healthy and weighed 9lbs 14oz. which was kind of a shock. and he was 20.5 in long. I am totally blessed that he is healthy after 12 years of ED behavior only ending shortly before I became prgnant.
Amanda
Thursday, September 7th 2006 @ 4:52 PM
Posted by Polly:
Of course we care! Congratulations!
Thursday, September 7th 2006 @ 5:25 PM
Posted by Wenche:
We remember and care Amanda! Congratulations so much, we are so happy for you. Enjoy the time these first months, when you are there it feels like the “baby-time” will last forever, but believe me, it is over in no time. You have so much to look forward to now! Enjoy, and good luck!!
Hugs, Wenche
Friday, September 8th 2006 @ 4:24 AM
Posted by cheryl:
Hi Marya, and girls. Just wanted to say hi…I haven’t posted much on here yet, but I’m checking in a lot. It’s very interesting to me to see all the different facets of people on a site which could have become all about eating-disorder stuff. I’m in therapy at the moment, but tend to avoid anything ED-related on the internet – it’s either triggering and unhelpful, or so intent on inspiring recovery that al the talk revolves around eating and issues and things…which is not necessarily always a bad thing, but, for me at least, it reinforces the idea that all I’m about is this eating thing.

What I like about this site is that it’s not just a place for people to chart their illness and recovery. There are threads about writing and literature, which I’m passionate about, threads about what people are doing at the weekend, or what they’ve been up to, threads about particular books, and a recurring discussion – nonsensical, but quite delicious – about words people like or dislike.

It’s lovely to visit a site attended by so many ED sufferers and not feel suffocated – we’re more than our issues, which is what a lot of forums sometimes fail to acknowledge, I think.

Hope everyone’s doing well, and I look forward to chatting with you all in the future XXX
Friday, September 8th 2006 @ 8:19 AM
Posted by Tatiana:
Well, it’s been three days at school so far, and I’m really enjoying myself. I’m only doing three classes, and I really like them all. Unfortunately, though, eating disorder stuff gets more difficult to control the more I am away from home (clarification: I live at home, but spend all day at school every day). Does anyone else have the same problem?
Saturday, September 9th 2006 @ 6:21 PM
Posted by cheryl:
Tatiana: I know exactly what you mean…when I’m at work, I find things much more difficult to control. The good news is, it does get better…well, easier. It’s one of those things, I think: you’re under the impression it’s kind of ok, then you get into a different environment, and it’s like, AAAAAAGH! I know for me, I really struggled - still do sometimes - with the fact that the food isn’t food I’ve cooked myself, what will my colleagues think of me, etc etc. But that’s when it’s kind of important to think: if I don’t eat here, which is a big chunk of my day, it will very likely impact on the rest of my day, and the whole vicious cycle will start over again. I hate the cyclical aspect of the whole eating thing…but then, circuits can be broken. And hopefully, if we feel we’re struggling, we can log on here and get feedback and input from people who know exactly what we’re going through. I hope things get better for you, and I know we don’t know each other from Adam, but sometimes that can be a good thing…please feel free to message me if you need to talk XXX
Monday, September 11th 2006 @ 12:45 PM
Posted by tam:
living w/ my parents i used to feel that i should eat only in front of them and kind of have e.d behaviours, or lets say avoid-food when i wasnt at home, that way i wouldnt be eating “twice as much”because of them…
of course i later discovered/realised that that was a really thinck e.d-ish thought…but still sometimes …. SOMETIMES feels like it’s true. but i’ve learnt to just tell my parents that i already ate(in case i did) and that i dont feel like having anything else…at least i try to do that…hm.
Monday, September 11th 2006 @ 5:51 PM
Posted by Dina:
Hi ya’ll! Yes, I’m from the South. So nice to find a site where people with ED’s are among the living…writing, reading, going to work/school etc. and battling this disease tooth and nail! Loved reading past posts about the hunt for vanilla tootsie rolls…I prefer sour skittles myself. Love getting out of the house, going to the book store, having coffee and a cookie, and reading all the gossip mags for free!! No, my life does NOT revolve around my subscription to People Magazine…(although, it IS running late! Ha!). Hope I am doing this right as I am not computer savvy so bear with me. When I put Marya’s name in my search engine, Pro Ana came up as a “related topic”. Sad, huh? Me? I prefer to talk to those who choose to live–through good times and bad–those who choose to crawl from the gates of hell. You are all inspirational as is Marya. I e-mailed her last night and got a nice reply this morning so I trust she is doing well. Ya’ll keep me updated. By the way, Night by Elie Weisel is a fantastic book on survival of the human spirit. I read it before it was Oprah’s book club pick years ago and sometimes re read it. Hope you are all well
Thanks for letting me ramble!
Thursday, September 14th 2006 @ 1:40 PM
Posted by Anonymous:
Night is an amazing book about survival and strength. The images of h Elie Weisel and his father fighting to stay alive for one another is incredible. It really teaches you to see every moment.
Friday, September 15th 2006 @ 3:42 PM
Posted by Dina:
Good morning all! Hope to see some more posts soon. I trust you are all well and just very busy these days. Me? I am just now beginning to live life again so little things are a major accomplishment for me…writing, browsing through the book store, getting groceries, walking my dog, etc. That I am healthy enough and have the energy to do these things still amazes me.
My sister, who teaches English in the Middle East, has recommended a memoir by Azar Nafisi called, “Reading Lolita in Tehran” and was wondering if anyone had heard of it. I am busy reading David Sedaris at the moment and it is good to laugh again. Finding humor in the world is very new to me although my sarcasm has never left me! Ha!
Have a good day everybody and stay strong!
Saturday, September 16th 2006 @ 7:07 AM
Posted by Tam:
Today->spring day! so for those of you in the same side of the globe, have a happy one.
I dont like srping thhhhhhhat much, i prefer the Fall when all the yellow & brown leaves are carried away by the wind and all
So in a few minutes i’m off to the bus station to meet with some friends( and not so friends) in order to go somewhere where there’s a lot of greeeeeeeen and flowers lol.
Thursday, September 21st 2006 @ 6:00 AM
Posted by cheryl:
It was glorious where I live today aswell, but I have to admit, I vastle prefer the Winter - I love it when it’s sunny, but sort of brittly cold, and there’s ice in the trees and frost on the windows. Autumn’s pretty too, I love crunching through leaves.

Work today was stressful and - without going into detail - I sort of took it out on myself with food when I got home. BUT, unlike when those behaviours were entrenched, I sat down afterwards and thought it through, questioned myself about what I could have done differently and how I could have avoided lapsing, and subsequently feel positive and motivated. I’m now watching TV with a chilled glass of wine instead of spending the rest of the evening in the bathroom, and I have to say it feels good.

I hope everyone is well…people don’t seem to post on here all that often, but I’d like to talk more with similar people. Hoping to view more comments on here soon! XXX
Thursday, September 21st 2006 @ 11:48 AM
Posted by Hogan:
It was a cool morning where I live, but as the day went on beautiful weather set in. I am sooo not looking forward to winter. I hate when it’s cold and there is something sad about looking at the barren trees. Cheryl way to find the positive in a rough day. It has been very quiet. I miss when it was a chatty place.
Thursday, September 21st 2006 @ 5:41 PM
Posted by Margot:
I hardly ever post, mostly just lurk. I was anorexic in college like 15 years ago, pretty severely. My track coach tried to make me get counseling, but that was a long time ago and there was not as much intervention in these cases as now. I kind of outgrew the worst of it once I graduated and started my career. Then I had a relapse for about two years when I went back to graduate school (think academic stress and anxiety have anything to do with it?) Anyway, I am now getting yet another degree and have not really totally relapsed, but still have huge anxitey and stress issues for which I am being made to talk to a counselor by my advisor. I am terrified that they will figure out the whole ED thing. For those of you brave souls who have been there, should I just come clean and deal with it? I have been living with this so long that it seems like it doesn’t matter. I definately have wierd eating patterns, but have not been too thin in a long time. But if it would make my life easier as well as for the people I work with who seem to be more affected by my stress issues than I am and I really care about all of them???
Friday, September 22nd 2006 @ 6:45 PM
Posted by Marie:
I too am getting an advance degree and worry a lot about the eating thing. It’s easy to get caught up in thing when you can just say, “I’m busy.” Anyway, it’s easier when your working with a counselor if they know all of things they are working with, but it also can be very scary. You have to decide for yourself what is right. Although you claim that it doesn’t matter I am guessing a way (maybe just a small way) it does because if not you wouldn’t be asking.
Sunday, September 24th 2006 @ 4:46 AM
Posted by Stephanie:
I check for new posts on this site daily, and I have for a long time now. I feel as though I know all of you very well, and only now have I found the courage to introduce myself to you. I love what Dina said about this site—that it’s great to find a site where people with ED’s are among the living. I love the support and encouragement that you all give one another in fighting this horrible battle.
I have been struggling for eight years now. I am currently a Junior in college, and I’m majoring in Psychology. I hope to one day overcome this hell so that I can help others get out of it. I question whether I’ll ever be able to do that though—now more than ever. You all inspire me to keep going though.
I wanted to invite all of you to take a look at and possibly join a forum I started a few months ago. It’s a place where you’ll find the support that you need and be able to support others who need it. It’s also a place that you can come and relax and talk about everyday things. We are not defined by our diseases—they are not all we have to talk about, and I try to make that clear in my forum. The website is: http://z13.invisionfree.com/Tattered_Wings/index.php?
There are people of all ages at that site, and I would love for all of you to be a part of it. Your words, support, stories, and inspiration could do so much for those who are already there. You have all already done so much for me. So I guess I just want to say thank you. I hope you are all doing well.
Sunday, September 24th 2006 @ 10:08 PM
Posted by Amy:
Hi!
Thursday, September 28th 2006 @ 6:56 PM
Posted by Tatiana:
I think I’m relapsing. What’s worse? I don’t care. I mean, sure, I care a bit about school and not going into hospital… but I honestly don’t believe I’ll end up in a hospital. Which is probably silly on my part, but there you go.

What I really need to do is get off the Internet and study… I have a quiz to complete by tomorrow evening, and two midterms next week… oy. Shoot me now.
Friday, September 29th 2006 @ 3:50 PM
Posted by Stephanie:
Hey, Tatiana. I know school can definitely be overwhelming–what three classes are you taking this semester? I hope you’re able to get your quiz done and that you find enough motivation to study for your midterms…I either find that school can be a really nice distraction or it can cause you to fall further into your disorder. I hope you find a way to hang in there and keep yourself from relapsing. I’m here if you ever need to talk. Take care.

And hi, Amy.
Friday, September 29th 2006 @ 9:13 PM
Posted by Ashley:
Ok, remember me? The one who just moved to bumfuck nowhere, MN? Like 3 weeks ago? I can’t do this. I am going crazy. There is absolutely nothing to do, and i’m completely manic and I feel like I am going crazy. At least in Minneapolis, I could go shopping or do something during my manic episodes. Here I could, like, ride a cow or something but no thanks. I am transfering to the University of Minnesota after this semester, but that’s not until January!!! Shacking up with my parents is like living under a microscope and it’s only making me worse. My mom threw out my scale, and she is constantly making comments, asking questions, accusing, and it makes me nervous. I hate being watched. I am losing my mind. I want to get help, I really do. But my odds are better if everyone would just leave me the fuck alone.
Friday, September 29th 2006 @ 10:38 PM
Posted by Lauren:
Marya,

Having been a former anoretic/bulimic, it’s nice to read your comments and see how - normal? No, HAPPY - you are these days. Normal’s too boring.

It IS way cool to eat candy and chocolate and other junk and not give it a second thought. Personally, I have a hard time relating to the eating disordered self I once was. The older I get, the more that person fades. I hope the same goes for you.

Peace!
-L
Monday, October 2nd 2006 @ 1:14 PM
Posted by Lauren:
#$%&!

“Having been a former…” ?

Grammar police, gimmie a ticket!
Monday, October 2nd 2006 @ 1:16 PM
Posted by Tatiana:
Actually, I’m only taking two classes now… psychology and sociology. Both are intro courses, so not only are the tests mostly multiple choice (fun, hey?), but they’re also not extremely difficult. That’s lucky for me, because I haven’t had a ton of concentration lately. I did manage to get 79 on my first psych exam, and I have an 80 average overall… that’s an A here.

I don’t know what I got on my sociology exam, and it probably won’t even be corrected till next week, but I don’t think I did as well on sociology as on psych. I guess we’ll see, though.

I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and not give it a second thought. Maybe that will happen someday… who knows, really?
Monday, October 9th 2006 @ 11:20 AM
Posted by Tatiana:
Also, to all you Canadians out there, Happy Thanksgiving.
Monday, October 9th 2006 @ 11:41 AM
Posted by Amy:
Hi Marya, I was just reading some of your earlier comments and I noticed that you said you would be in the UK this fall, have you been already? I am going to be in London in November so if you are doing any readings or anything around that time I would love to know about it and would definitly be in attendance. x
Tuesday, October 10th 2006 @ 6:49 AM
Posted by Tatiana:
Friday the 13th!! Anyone superstitious about it? Personally, I’ve usually found that Friday the 13ths are good, if anything.
Friday, October 13th 2006 @ 3:29 PM
Posted by Marie:
Did anyone else see the True Hollywood Story on E! with Marya on it. I wonder when that was taped because Marya was still married to her second husband. It also did not mention Julian. Marya was such a cute kid.
Sunday, October 15th 2006 @ 12:46 PM
Posted by Tatiana:
I didn’t know Marya had ever divorced Julian, let alone had and divorced a second husband! Seems strange to me — but that’s because I just finished reading Wasted for about the fourth time.

As for the E! show, I didn’t get to see it because I don’t have that channel. In fact, all the Canadians who were trying to watch the show seemed to have that problem. Really disappointing… I was looking forward to seeing the documentary itself as well as seeing the interview with Marya.

Speaking of which… Marya, are you still around or what? I’m sure you’re busy and all that, but you must get online sometimes, right? I thought it was so cool that you were responding to people’s posts, but I got here too late. Haha. Way to sound whiny, Tatiana. But yeah. If you ever get a free moment and you read these, even a “Hey, I’m doing well” would be awesome.
Monday, October 16th 2006 @ 2:52 PM
Posted by Tatiana:
Where’d everybody go?? o.o
Tuesday, October 24th 2006 @ 6:07 PM
Posted by Tatiana:
Damn. This place is really empty. That makes me sad.
Friday, November 3rd 2006 @ 6:53 PM
Posted by Anonymous:
Yeah, I thought that Halloween would stir up some more conversations about Tootsie rolls.
Sunday, November 5th 2006 @ 6:14 AM
Posted by Wenche:
Just checking in from time to time…hope that you are all doing OK, W:)
Monday, November 6th 2006 @ 12:00 AM
Posted by cheryl:
Hey everyone! I’ve been a bit disheartened by the fact that no-one seemed to be commenting any more, so I stopped checking in as frequently…but if everyone who pops in here doesn’t comment because no-one else has, there’s going to be a whole lot of empty space at the end of this blog…Tatiana, well done for commenting and saying what everyone else was thinking!

Personally I’m doing great at the moment - have just begun a new approach in therapy and am now reading everything I can get my hands on on person-centred counselling. Has anyone else tried this approach? I tried CBT and IPT before this, but I didn’t click with either one, really. As a result am feeling happy and positive of late - it’s all very nice, I must say.

How is everyone else? Hope y’all are keeping going and having fun - last night was Bonfire Night in the UK so I went to a fireworks display with friends, it was brilliant! Speak soon XXX
Monday, November 6th 2006 @ 7:08 AM
Posted by TAM:
I Saw patti smithh on fridayyyyy!!!!:):):):):):)

fucking amazing she was.

I’m probably going to the New Order show too. Not a big fan of theirs but they’ll be in a really good fest that includes Juana Molina along with other artists & djs.

I try a lot to let go of those ED thoughts because i feel like there are so much more important things to life…i mean i remember how many things i missed…not for not being there but for being there and being ABSENT because at that time there was nothing else but what I thought there was.
i dont know…
Tuesday, November 7th 2006 @ 10:12 AM
Posted by Nina:
Wow, it’s looking pretty quiet around here. I hope Marya’s doing okay, has anyone heard anything from/about her? I suppose if you had, you’d have posted…In any case, we’re a week away from Thanksgiving in the States, so I hope everyone is keeping their chins up! It’s a hard time of year, but it can also be wonderful. Good luck everybody!
Thursday, November 16th 2006 @ 3:53 AM
Posted by joy:
http://www.marketwire.com/mw/release_html_b1?release_id=172993
Apparently she won and award for an article in the Smithsonian. Anyone know about this?
Thursday, November 16th 2006 @ 1:17 PM
Posted by Nina:
Joy, I had read the article but didn’t know she was being honored for it! That’s terrific.
Tuesday, November 21st 2006 @ 2:14 PM
Posted by Nina:
*listens to the hollow whistling of the wind and chirping of crickets*

Boy, I’d sure like to hear if/what Marya’s been up to these last months.
Sunday, December 10th 2006 @ 8:38 PM
Posted by Mike:
cheryl, I your comments piqued my interest. I have to admit that I was not familiar with the term “person-centered counselling”. google ensued. this seemed to describe it well I would imagine: “the aim of counseling is to bring internalised conflict into conscious awareness and thus enable the person to deal more effectively with the demands of external reality….the client already has the answers to the problems and the job of the counselor is to listen…” Seems like a very reasoned approach to me. the cognitive exercise of reflecting upon ones own consciousness is an exercise that I’d imagine would help just about anyone deal with a veriety of issues. That you say you feel happier doesn’t seem that surprising.

Monday, December 11th 2006 @ 2:09 PM
Posted by Tatiana:
I wish Marya ever came here anymore. I never got a chance to be here when she was actually active.

I have some good news, though… I may be going to the eating disorder program at Homewood, an inpatient treatment facility in Guelph, Ontario. It sounds really good — if any of you have watched the THIN documentary, a lot of it seems very similar to Renfrew, except that medical stability is required, and everyone who comes to Homewood is voluntary. Cross your fingers for me, everyone!!…
Saturday, December 16th 2006 @ 12:17 AM
Posted by Mike:
In what type of social environment would it be least likely to be conducive of the early onset of anxiety/eating disorder? If there was a positive correlation there, is that explainable from the natural/evolutionary genetic history perspective? Does the stereotype merit its status? The young, white affluent child brought up with family and societal pressures of modern sexualized civilization. Perhaps with a mother displaying peculiar eating habits and importance on self-image and appearance, not to mention the pressures of success and belief that are often instilled or taught to children at young ages.

How many of you have had a co-morbidity of anxiety/agoraphobia/panic disorder before, during and/or after the onset of your ED? Do you see a connection between the psychoanalytical nature of your ED and that same characteristic found in anxiety/panic disorder? If that correlation is reputable, what insight can be drawn from that?

I realize that by not having suffered an eating disorder myself that I have an intrinsic bias that I can do little about besides as much careful mitigation as I’m willfully able to. Whether that renders any of my questions or speculations moot is, I imagine, entirely up to all of you readers. I would hope that at the very least that what I say or ask be thoroughly examined and questioned as well. I have a hard time not concluding that there are intrinsic genetic aspects of the ancestral female animal present in ED patients as well as those suffering from the vast array of anxiety disorders. Those aspects, although present in some degree in all humans, appear to be amplified or exaggerated in the disordered individual. I’ve seen this voiced by “recovered” individuals as if they are more “real” than others unlike them, that they feel things on a deeper or different level than the rest of the people on earth. I don’t doubt that there are aspects of that depiction that are quite accurate and truthful. However, I can’t im
Saturday, December 23rd 2006 @ 11:08 PM
Posted by Mike:
I can’t imagine that submersion into the surprising depths that ED seems to take its sufferers doesn’t somehow have an impact on how their brain is able to rationalize certain feelings that are undoubtedly irrational. Many a consolation must be given, in some cases, in order for the sufferer to not feel like they are genuinely crazy. This “real”-ness, I believe, is one such consolation.

Despite the obvious lack of Marya on the site presently I would hope that those who’ve been writing on here in the past and those that are just finding the site would still write questions to Marya. From some of the last things she did write it doesnt really surprise me that she is no longer posting here. Something tells me that writing about madness might be an even more harrowing experience than writing about her ed was. My guess is she comes back with one hell of a story. One well worth waiting for.
Saturday, December 23rd 2006 @ 11:09 PM
Posted by Hogan:
Mike,
You write very profoundly about something that so many struggle to understand. I think there is a very real connection between one’s thought process and one’s Marya talks of it in Wasted. When you are living on minimal calories your mind begins to function in a very different way that you can’t beging to describe. So many people who have ed are extremely bright and like Marya may use research and complex language to find an analytical explaination for the strange behaviors their live revolve around. It’s much easier to deal with facts than it is to deal with feelings.
Sunday, December 24th 2006 @ 8:57 AM
Posted by Polly:
Mike, don’t take this the wrong way but who exactly are you and why are you here?
Sunday, December 24th 2006 @ 9:31 AM
Posted by Mike:
Polly, I’m glad you asked, and I kind of expected someone to say that. When I first found this site I was going to do what most of the visitors had done and give a brief explanation about myself. For some reason that seemed precocious of me, perhaps because I was afraid that I wouldn’t receive any credence and perhaps simply offend some of you. I’ll do my best to keep my story brief.

A year and 1⁄2 ago I lost the first girl that I ever really loved. She lives in California and I live in British Columbia. I would spend 5-7 weeks around Christmas down in California with her and she would spend the summers up here. We did that quite happily for two years. From the very beginning she had told me that she was medicated (fluoxetine) for depression and panic disorder. She first started suffering at around 9 and wasn’t diagnosed until she was 12. Her twin sister (fraternal) suffered from full blown OCD at the age of 7 through her early teens. They are both still medicated for anxiety disorder at 21. Her and I had smoked pot with each other since we’d first met and eventually we started to throw around the idea of trying mushrooms. I’ve been doing psychedelics like mushrooms for years now and have had nothing but good times with them, but I’ve seen enough people not do so well with them that I was justifiably apprehensive about someone on medication/suffering from panic disorder trying them. After a lot of internet research (thank you erowid.org) she came to the decision to try them. It turned out to be a great decision. She had the time of her life. We laughed for hours and made art together. We watched animations that would only ever be funny to someone in that state of mind. So, all in all it turned out great.
Sunday, December 24th 2006 @ 12:50 PM
Posted by Mike:
Well, the last summer she spent here we decided that we should get some mushrooms. I couldn’t find any around, but I could find acid. Again, we were very apprehensive about it, probably more so because of how many people I’ve seen lose touch with reality in a bad way on the drug. We read conflicting reports about people on fluoxetine trying acid, and again I left the decision entirely up to her. She said yes. Things went great for the first few hours. Then I over reacted to something she had done and things went haywire. I started to feel nauseous and within a minute or two I threw up into a wastebasket. She saw that happen and soon felt nauseous herself and also threw up(throwing up being something she already expressed to me as something she really did not like doing and that it often triggered a panic attack). It then caused a full blown panic attack. Trembling, difficulty speaking, sweating, confusion, intense tachycardia, etc. Add that to the fact that she was in the peak of an acid trip and you get an idea of where she was at. She stayed in Canada with me for another two weeks and I watched her go through a steady regiment of panic attacks throughout the day coupled with an almost non-existent appetite. She left under the guise that she’d do better at home with her family and that I would come down and see her for the rest of the summer. That changed a week later when she sent me an email ending our relationship. There are plenty more important details that, for the sake of brevity, I will leave out for now. However, what happened to me after was the most confused state of mind I’d ever experienced. That confusion led me to read about panic disorder as much as I was capable of. The chaos of how things ended didn’t sit well with me, so I ventured to learn all I could.

Fast forward to last spring and I meet one of the most beautiful, intelligent and engaging woman I’ve ever been lucky enough to know. We shared a common past of heartbreak and a
Sunday, December 24th 2006 @ 12:50 PM
Posted by Mike:
We shared a common past of heartbreak and a desire to find something different. We clicked pretty fast and soon spent a lot of time together. As things went along I learned that a) she was anorexic at 12 b) had anxiety disorder at 5 c) was still in contact with the “ex” who’d broken her heart. Not long after learning these things she informed me that her ex was coming back to Canada at the beginning of summer and that they were thinking about starting over. However, she still wanted to see if things could work between us before he came home. So, we kept seeing each other until the week he arrived. That same week she gave me her copy of “Wasted”. We kept in contact through MSN and email for the next month despite her now being back with the “ex”. I was blown away by what I was reading in Wasted. We went rock climbing together about a week after the “ex” came back and at dinner we talked about the book. She had described it about the same as most of the people who’ve posted on this board, namely that it felt like she was reading her own life to some extent. As I read through the book it wasn’t hard to see the things that she was talking about (not to mention that her and her father had underlined several lines throughout the book). The more we talked about it online the more she seemed to dismiss any correlations that I did make. It didn’t seem sincere to me at any point. We’ve since had only a handful of emotional and intense “discussions” – part argument, part act – and now do not talk to each other at all. Again, there is a lot of other important details, but I don’t want to bore anyone who may actually have suffered this far already. However, the most important detail would be that spending time with her made me realize that I could love someone else, that being something I honestly thought would never happen again.
Sunday, December 24th 2006 @ 12:51 PM
Posted by Mike:
Anyway, I’ve since bought my own copy of wasted, bought “The Body Betrayed” and have read more than I could tell on the internet about ED, ODC, panic disorder, psychology, brain sciences, drugs, consciousness, etc. Basically, I’ve immersed my brain in the foggy world of trying to understand the mind. Much confusion has resulted. But, a lot of insight has also occurred. The most profound being the apparent connection between all these disorders and the prevalence for co-morbidity between them, particularly between early onset anxiety/panic disorder and a later episode of ED. So, I guess I came on here in hopes of simply learning more about what others have to say about these ideas and any stories or ideas of their own. The intimacy with which you guys have with this disorder is something I can’t have. I’ve been touched by it, but only peripherally. So, understanding is what I’m hoping to achieve. Reflecting upon what this site is it has struck me that open format discussion like this internet board is a relatively new thing. And seeing as ED is something that has really only been studied for a short period of time, exchanges made amongst those disordered seems to me to be a terribly valuable source of information that should quite rightly help create a more generalized understanding of why this disorder affects individuals the way that it does. That Marya is the catalyst for these specific discussions isn’t at all surprising to me.

Hope that answers your questions and I hope it wasn’t too boring to slog through that. Brevity my ass. ;P
Sunday, December 24th 2006 @ 12:52 PM
Posted by Mike:
hogan,

your comments mean a lot. i think i know what you are talking about. I think that i’ve witnessed that intrisic emotional aspect you’re talking about and that that was in fact the reason i was as confused as i was at the time and then why i felt compelled to learn about the biology and psychology behind it. Those endeavors have helped, but something seemed missing. I guess thats why im here now. And i don’t really know whether anything i could disuss with anyone here will actualize the type of understanding im hoping for. What you wrote is perhaps exactly the kind of thing im looking for. I really dont know.
Sunday, December 24th 2006 @ 12:59 PM
Posted by Polly:
Again, Mike, no offense meant, but this seems to be another obvious question that I can’t resist asking: did it ever occur to you that the confusion in the minds of yourself and your girlfriends’ perhaps, maybe, possibly might be your brains on drugs??? You talk about doing psychedelic drugs as though everyone and their grandmother does them on a daily basis…
Sunday, December 24th 2006 @ 5:24 PM
Posted by Mike:
and you’re talking of them like they render each user inpet to their own conscious awareness. have you ever tried psychedelics? and the second girl i mentioned has never done drugs of any kind. so, no, I dont think for a second that drugs are responsible for the confusion that I have regarding why things ended between us. yes, with the first girl that is the case. I think I made that rather clear. however, the drug doesn’t explain the why she then continued to have panic attacks for the next two and half weeks. it also doesn’t explain why she then developed serious agoraphobia after that. it also doesn’t explain why throughout that entire period she hardly ate a thing(maybe a bite or two chicken a day, sometimes nothing)Im pretty sure that had everything to do with her having panic disorder. when things then ended with the second girl it became obvious to me that there is, i some cases, a direct link to an early onset of panic disorder and the eventuality of an eating disorder. hence why im here.

no, to be completely honest I dont really think that you dont mean any offense by what you say. I dont think you are trying to be mean and it doesn’t actually offend me. however, it does seem like you have already made a judgement about me. and i expected that to happen when i first wrote something here. I realise that technically im an outsider here. but reading Wasted changed my life immensely and that seems to be the common ground here as much as anything. so, really the confusion i speak of is really more in respect to how a beautiful mind can do so much damage to itself. i’ve watched people fall apart and i didnt understand then what was happening. i’ve learned a lot since then, but I think that there is a lot that i am missing. im aware that i may never find those answers, but i want to try regardless of that. maybe it takes being disordered to truely understand. whatever the case is im not going to shy away from understanding whatever i can. if you can give me a g
Sunday, December 24th 2006 @ 11:09 PM
Posted by Mike:
if you can give me a good reason not to im all ears.
Sunday, December 24th 2006 @ 11:09 PM
Posted by Mike:
hogan wrote: “It’s much easier to deal with facts than it is to deal with feelings.”

i find this statement facinating. Its seems to say an awful lot in very few words. Would you like to elaborate on what you mean by that statement? I think I have a general sense of what you mean by it, but my gut tells me that your clarification would be a much better guide.
Monday, December 25th 2006 @ 1:00 AM
Posted by Ashley:
Mike, as a recovering drug addict…drugs have everything to do with the foggy confusion that is your mind, it doesn’t matter if the “other girl” you mentioned isn’t on drugs, you are and it’s your perception, and you are the one who is confused. Good point Polly
Monday, December 25th 2006 @ 7:31 AM
Posted by Mike:
thats interesting. since you are a recovering drug addict you have earned the authority to discern whether or not my confusion regarding the disordered psychology of two women i knew is because of hallucinogenic drugs. “everything” you say. thats one hell of an assumption. please explain this further. how exactly is that these drugs i’ve done are singularly responsible for the misguided perception you claim is entirely responsible for my confusion(let me remind you that the confusion I speak of is nowhere near where it used to be. what Im speaking of is in respect to the exact biology of of how our brains really function, not just disordered minds. I read plenty about bio-evolutionary mechanisms, environment and behavior as they relate to gene studies. Im no fundamentalist, so this assertion stretches way back in time to our earliest primate ancestors. Namely, when the panic reaction was actually an essential survival mechanism to avoid being eaten by predators. Even more so, I’ve explored the reality of the female primate being so intrinsically linked to its young and that their emotions and panic reaction is much more heightened than that of males. This instinctual mechanism has been imprinted into our DNA for thousands of years. Hardwired, if you would. We’ve evolved as a civilization in a relatively short geologic period. Many of our ancestoral behaviours, as a result, are still very strong in us. Panic, or fear, being paramount. Whether or not this connection is as firm as i think it is is where part of my “confusion” is. but it might be more accurate of me to say “lack of understnading”. Either way, I think you are mischaracterizing me. If you disagree its your job to show im wrong. and your personal experience with drugs is in no way an accurate measure of my experience with drugs.
Monday, December 25th 2006 @ 10:56 AM
Posted by Mike:
what kind of drugs did you do?
Monday, December 25th 2006 @ 11:05 AM
Posted by Polly:
Really, no offense was intended, but you seem to be very defensive (I even withheld pointing out the first time that possession of psychedelic drugs is not even legal). I actually have a medical degree (amazing the things we can learn about eachother), so no need to preach to me about neurochemistry. The fact is, drugs can screw up your brain big-time. I would never stand in moral judgement of someone with a substance abuse problem or a mental illness. You are trying to severely oversimplify problems that are very complex, wrapped up in biochemistry, genetics, environment, society, personality, family, and yes, sometimes, drug use.
Monday, December 25th 2006 @ 12:04 PM
Posted by Mike:
of course i was being defensive. you’d suggested that the confusion or lack of understanding that I am relating about myself was simply “my brain on drugs”. I know its not that simple at all. And I think its a terrible mischaracterizing to say that I am trying to “severely oversimplify things”. I would argue the exact opposite. My writing is rife with ambiguity and reticence to necessarily be conclusive. I am very aware of the intrinsic complexity and the great nuber of variable factors involved in the problems of those disordered. I realize that although there are plenty of similarities between a great number of eating disordered individuals, that generalizations about them can often be inaccurate and misguided. However, I do see reason to look at what appears to me to be a very signifigant corelation between a variety of mental disorders. And it’s not like i’ve conjured this up on my own. I’ve run into this notion on several occasions from a variety of differnet sources. Well before I met either of these girls I already had a serious bent for examining the complexity of consciousness. This led me to many a course in philosophy and subsequently has spread exponentially to such a vast array of different fields that to say I make a valient effort at a consilience of biology, psychology, genetics, sociology philosophy,et al would be an understatement.

Im disappointed that I came across as combative or defensive, despite feeling somewhat justified in doing so. I didn’t come on here to pick a fight or to form or affirm any objective conclusions. I’ve already iterated enough that I don’t understand everything. I am not naive enough to think I could, let alone that anyone really has a firm handle on the mysterious and incomplete nature of understanding conscious awareness. I came here to talk and ask questions in hope that I might gain some insight that I cannot from books.

Polly wrote: “You are trying to severely oversimplify problems that are very complex, wrapp
Monday, December 25th 2006 @ 1:36 PM
Posted by Mike:
Polly wrote: “You are trying to severely oversimplify problems that are very complex, wrapped up in biochemistry, genetics, environment, society, personality, family, and yes, sometimes, drug use.”

If you have the time I would love to know why what I said led you to conclude that I am trying to oversimplify things. I am well versed in allowing for paradigm shifts. I am a skeptic to the bone and as such I not only welcome being shown that I am wrong, I strongly encourage it.
Monday, December 25th 2006 @ 1:37 PM
Posted by Polly:
You can add starvation to the list of things that cause confusion.

I am not saying you are wrong, what I am saying is that you seem to be philosphizing about something that isn’t really a philosophical problem, it is a disease. This is what society kind of does in glamourizing it.

For those of us who have been anorexic and recovered (yes, you can recover fully), there is really no mystery at all to it. People with anorexia are sick, they often (I would venture out to say always) have underlying anxiety and a multitude of other emotions that they do not know how to deal with. They just plain cannot figure out their place in the universe. The anorexia is a crutch, as is alcohol, drugs, and any other addiction that lets you avoid the real issue and get a little buzz off of your starving brain. It has nothing really to do with food, weight, etc. When it all ends is when you finally realize that 1)You will never be perfect 2)No one who matters cares and 3)Like the song goes, Life Ain’t Always Beautiful, But It’s a Beautiful Ride

Then, you look back and realize how much of your time and talents have been WASTED, and it makes you very sad. Myself, Marya and I am sure many, many others who post here would be considered high achievers in life, and still how much more we could have contributed in the world during all the time we spent obsessing over things that don’t matter. That is the clarity of mind I pray for daily for everyone afflicted by anorexia and related disorders. That is also why Mary’s story gives people hope, not just because she has verbalized feelings that most of us cannot or could not talk about, but because she personifies what we all know or knew deep down, that in the end it just isn’t worth it.

Also, some of your statements like “My writing is rife with ambiguity and reticence to necessarily be conclusive” don’t even make sense, that is what makes me think your brain is still on drugs. I just think you need to stop doing drugs and
Tuesday, December 26th 2006 @ 6:58 AM
Posted by Polly:
explore reality a bit, like maybe if the second girlfiend never did drugs, she did not want an intimate relationship with someone who uses them. Hope you figure it out.
Tuesday, December 26th 2006 @ 7:01 AM
Posted by Mike:
im glad you shared some of your ideas and feelings. if i come across like i’m simply philosophizing, i guess i can understand that(phil was my schtick for quite a while). however, i’d like to think that primarily im exploring the seemingly unique aspects of our human conscious awareness(animal cognition has kept me occupied aswell since I got chased by 350 pound black bear back in september…you’d be amazed as to why their behaviour is as predictable as it is - at least most of the time). the sciences that provide the most insight into understanding consciousness are incomplete, but improving. So, im a little surprised you found my words to be more philosophically angled than scientifically angled. Im much more interested in the deep down and dirty physical relity of it all than i am the philosophical angle. I’ll try better in the future to be less vague.

The second girl had once told me that she thought that people don’t truely recover from ED. At first I thought that she was suggesting that a relapse is inevitable, but I soon recognized that she simply referring to the way her thoughts and mind is. The anxiety and the way she see;s herself in mirror. That she is still accurate to decimal for her weight, daily checks no less. That she still has “safe foods”. Then I corelated all that with the fact that she still has some serious phobias and that every once and a while it affects her personal life drastically(fear of swimming in open water, fear of riding up hills - she is a triathelete, so i think you get it). she is fully aware of how irrational the phobias are. its this type of contiuing and co-morbid disorder that im talking about. i’d hazard a guess that Marya’s similar suggestion regarding recovery was an influence on her. I’d also hazard a guess that in studying madness for her new book that Marya might be muddying through something similar to what im alluding to. im not really here to figure out how and why the relationship fell apart the way it did, al
Tuesday, December 26th 2006 @ 10:53 AM
Posted by Anonymous:
although i have no problem talking about it if it is even remotely interesting or pertinent to anyone. im more interested other things. things like why you’d suggested some months ago on this board that “I think I and everyone have been wondering where Marya is. I was very worried that she was having a relapse because in her last post she said something about going to eat breakfast, and if everyone remembers in Wasted that usually meant that she wasn’t.”

the reason i quoted that was because you made the assertion earlier that you can recover fully. and if im not mistaken, Marya has since reffered to herself on this board as someone living recovered. my guess is that she means that she doesn’t allow the thoughts she undoubtedly still has to escalate into a full blown ED. but your suggestion was that she might in fact have relapsed, so im a bt confused. do you consider yourself fully recovered?

“My writing is rife with ambiguity and reticence to necessarily be conclusive”. you’d suggested that i was over simplifying the matter, i disagreed. im a skeptic, so i temper my language carefully. how about this “my writing is characteristically uncertain and as such i try very hard not to seek out definite conclusions.” thats all i was trying to say. I find it hard to believe that you find no sense in that, let alone that you seem to be saying that its a reasonable suggestion that said statement is little more than drug addled ramblings. as for the girl, she knew i did drugs and it didnt bother her as long as it wasnt in her face. and just to clarify, it wasnt like i did psychedelics regularly. maybe in summer a couple times a year, some years none. and after the first girl left i didnt touch them for over a year - this including all the time i then spent with the second girl. i hope you can a lend me a little more credence than you seem to be so far.
Tuesday, December 26th 2006 @ 10:55 AM
Posted by Mike:
oops. that was me…obviously. ;P

:note: i should point out that i am horribly paranoid the she might actually see what i’ve written about here and want to kill me. even though im connected, this is still mostly her story. ill try and keep it relative to my experiences as much as possible. i dont need her hating me more than she already does.
Tuesday, December 26th 2006 @ 10:59 AM
Posted by Polly:
Seriously, I think it is great that you are exploring things. It is a difficult thing for someone on the “outside” to understand. I do believe that people can fully recover, and twenty years removed from it all I have perhaps more clarity than other still close to things. I had an eating disorder in the early eighties before much was known about these things. I was also a collegiate athlete in a sport where it is relatively easy to be very thin without anyone really thinking it was unusual. Also, I have never even so much as smoked a regular cigarette let alone done drugs of any sort, and I don’t have other mental health issues like manic depression, although I believe I may have been clinically depressed at the time, I am not sure as a cause or a result of my ED.

How old are you?
Tuesday, December 26th 2006 @ 12:19 PM
Posted by Mike:
im 28. the girl i knew with ED is 21.

how old were you when your ED started, if you dont mind me asking?
Tuesday, December 26th 2006 @ 12:23 PM
Posted by Mike:
im realizing that i’ve made a number of irratic attempts to qualify something exact as to what im doing here. to me this would be indicative of there being more than one reason im here. complexity is a bitch.

perhaps my biggest curiosity is ragarding how many recovered ED sufferers have symptoms of other disorders like anxiety & panic disorder, agoraphobia, OCD, depression, and narcissism after they have recovered?

and speaking of narcissism, whilst perusing wikipedia(greatest website evar!!11) the other day I stumbled upon “perfection”:

first, what the dictionary calls it: 1. the state of being without a flaw or defect

wiki - “The parallel existence of two concepts of perfection, one strict (”perfection”, as such) and the other loose (”excellence”), has given rise — perhaps since antiquity but certainly since the Renaissance — to a singular paradox: that the greatest perfection is imperfection. This was formulated by Lucilio Vanini (ca. 1585 – 1619), who had a precursor in the 16th-century writer Joseph Juste Scaliger, and they in turn referred to the ancient philosopher Empedocles. Their argument, as given by the first two, was that if the world were perfect, it could not improve and so would lack “true perfection”, which depends on progress. To Aristotle, “perfect” meant “complete” (”nothing to add or subtract”). To Empedocles, according to Vanini, perfection depends on incompleteness (”perfectio propter imperfectionem”), since the latter possesses a potential for development and for complementing with new characteristics (”perfectio complementii”). This view relates to the baroque esthetic of Vanini and Marin Mersenne: the perfection of an art work consists in its forcing the recipient to be active — to complement the art work by an effort of mind and imagination.
The paradox of perfection — that imperfection is perfect — applies not only to human affairs, but to technology. Thus, irregularity in semiconductor crystals (an imperfect
Wednesday, December 27th 2006 @ 12:09 AM
Posted by Mike:
Thus, irregularity in semiconductor crystals (an imperfection, in the form of contaminants) is requisite for the production of semiconductors. The solution to the apparent paradox lies in a distinction between two concepts of “perfection”: that of regularity, and that of utility. Imperfection is perfect in technology, in the sense that irregularity is useful.”

My first instinct is to also extrapolate this notion of perfection to the biological adaptions of the evolutionary model. Also, I’d suggest that this dynamic model of perfection is not the same as what the perfection driven(only one driving force amongst many i realise) ED or anxiety disorder sufferer sees as perfection. can anyone say if this suggestion is accurate or not?
Wednesday, December 27th 2006 @ 12:11 AM
Posted by Mike:
i think i may have meant to write “extend” rather than “extrapolate”. and with that i will also apologize for my terrible writing skills. i had a steady string of b+ grades for my essays in philosophy for the same reason. my profs desperately wanted to give me A’s, but just couldn’t let themselves do it despite me clearly getting the concepts. i’ll also apologize for the inevitable errors i’ll make in the future.
Thursday, December 28th 2006 @ 1:00 AM
Posted by Marissa:
Marya, thanks so much for sharing your story. I just finished reading your memoir for the fourth time in less than a year. I am struggling with an eating disorder, and reading your book helps me not to feel so lonely — knowing that others have struggled or are struggling with the same things as me. I hope to someday share my story with others as you did.
Saturday, December 30th 2006 @ 9:15 PM
Posted by Ceara:
MARYA! hello, hello, hello! oh my, i am pretty much confused as to wear to write this, so forgive me if i am totally in the wrong catigory thinger. BUT ANYWAYS! i just finnished reading wasted for the second time, and the second i finnished it, i flipped the pages to the begining to read it again, i love it! i am strugeling (fuck, i really can’t spell) with my own eating problems, i don’t like saying i have an eating disorder or anorexia or anything.. it just makes me feel bad.:( but i just wanted to thank you soooo much for writing wasted. reading it fills me with so much comfort knowing that i am not alone, in this whole twisted world i have created in my head. so thank you, thank you. and i read your seprating with Julian? or did you get married again..? haha sorry i only know you were married to Julian when you finnished wasted. anyways, i am soo sorry to hear about that anyways, i have to go so, take care, and.. well i’ll prolly poste again to you, so yah oh and hello to everyone else on here, haha. =]

okay, byee.
love, love, love. xoxo
- CEARA :P:P
Thursday, January 4th 2007 @ 9:00 PM
Posted by Naomi:
I don’t know if Marya actually reads these comments… I don’t know what i expect as a reply anyway. I just feel completely out of hope, lost as to where to turn. I’e been struggling with anorexia since i was 10 years old, now 23 (13 years). I am what they (professionals) have termed chronic. Told that I’ll never get better, that the most i can hope for is a ‘maintained’ eating disorder and will likely continue to bounce in and out of hospital untill i die.
This is NOT the life i want… I want to get better, yet all i do is fuck up and relapse time and again. I’m at a point where after 13 years I can hardly believe that anything will ever change.
I don’t know why I’m posting this — i guess i don’t want to give up, yet my spirit has faded so low within me that trying again seems impossable.
Nomes
Saturday, January 13th 2007 @ 12:22 AM
Posted by Mike:
what are the reasons that make you not want to give up?
Saturday, January 13th 2007 @ 8:44 PM
Posted by Denise:
Marya and all of you guys who posted your stuff on here:

I am 26 yrs old and married, and just now starting to learn how to use the fucking internet. I’m so mad at myself. For years I was obsessed with you and with Wasted, and wanted so badly to talk to you or SOMEONE about the book, about my eating disorder, but

a.)didn’t know how to use a goddamn computer
b.) was too ashamed to ask anyone for help and
c.) have been so sick and depressed that i have had like no contact with the real world outside of my fucked-up mind and literally had no idea if, like, your book was even popular. I am such a self absorbed isolated freak that I actually wondered if i was one of just a few people who had READ IT! Even this summer when I went to my very first treatment program and met Other Girls, no one talked about you or Wasted. All anyone talked about was well, themselves, i guess that is the point of group therapy. Now I have finally found your site and it seems pretty dead. But I guess it doesn’t matter; if I’d found it when it was thriving i would have been too shy/self-conscious to write anything. Anyway, if anyone sees this please respond PLEASE

oh and i think that is pretty hilarious that we’re not allowed to discuss “symptoms”. So, like, were supposed to read two hundred-some-odd pages of your symptoms and then never again mention our own? But then you guys all shit all over the sites where apparently you ARE allowed to? Um, not all of us (this is for all you prospective miniature horse owners from the 2005 conversations) can afford a personal therapist, or the ones we can barely pay for are hideous, so like what am I supposed to do, just get over it and love myself and pull a bunch of enjoyable free-or-low-cost hobbies out of my asshole?

Anyhoo, reading your and everyone’s entries all night and all morning has been simultaneously enlightening, disheartening, and downright depressing. Enlightening to realize your enormous fan base, and that
Wednesday, January 24th 2007 @ 11:11 AM
Posted by Denise Miller:
Enlightening to realize your enormous fan base, and that most of them seem to be writers too. Disheartening because you have surely by now become so successful, busy, what-have-you that you haven’t touched this website in over a year. And depressing because I had just (literally in the last 2 weeks!) experienced a sudden renewed faith in my potential as a writer (I’m not exaggerating, I haven’t written anything since 8th grade that I haven’t immediately disposed of before anyone could see it)…until I read all those poems and prose-y things by fucking 16-yr-olds that totally blow everything I’ve ever written out of the water. I can’t believe I allowed myself to get excited about my own writing again, how stupid! A couple weeks ago I started typing up some memories of really personal experiences (and thoughts) and was so pleased with the results that I begged my husband and my mother and my ONE FRIEND (male) to read it every time I completed a new mini-section. I feel like a fucking fool. Why the hell did i think for a second that i could be a writer when I haven’t written a single thing since junior high, and can count on my fingers the amount of books I’ve read since then? I am really out of the loop, huh?

Wanna know a secret? In college I took two writing electives. Creative Writing: The Short Story, and also a poetry class, the name of which escapes me at the moment. Anyway here’s the secret: I stayed after class the first day of each and bargained with the teacher. I voluntarily took a grade-level drop (the highest possible grade I would be able to get would be a B) in return for being excused from reading any of my work aloud, which was the most important class requirement in both classes. The first fucking sentence on the cover of the syllabus. I sat there and listened to all my classmates read their stories, poems, prose, and then listened to them critique each other’s work, and it scared the fucking shit out of me. I was often hesitant to
Wednesday, January 24th 2007 @ 11:14 AM
Posted by Denise:
even hand them in to the TEACHER thats how fearful I am of having anyone read my shit. My finished assignments all ended up being cop-outs, written without feeling, just because it was less nerve-wracking to have it read by someone
Wednesday, January 24th 2007 @ 11:28 AM
Posted by Mike:
Hi Denise. I couldn’t agree more about the obvious absurdity of asking people not to post their symptoms. Although for me it doesn’t necessarily follow from the fact that Marya’s book is rife with intense descriptions of her own symptoms and the state of mind that put her in. I don’t think that she is being hypocritical in making this request, just a little unrealistic. It would seem to me that it would be rather difficult for people on here to have a productive conversation without discussing the realities and introspections of their respective eating disorders, including symptoms. And I also think that what most people are expressing displeasure over is the websites that are actually promoting ED. Not the ones that simply list information, but the ones that are actually encouraging people to carry on their eating disorder and providing tips on how to do so. Sadly, Wasted amongst other books has served that same function for some people seeing as it includes that kind of information, although clearly not written for that reason. The girl who posted on the front page just prior to you is one of many who’ve said that reading Wasted proved to be a trigger to them. For others it’s the first time they’ve read about the experiences of someone else suffering from ED and the book can easily read like an instruction manual for them. Especially considering the frequency with which some people read Wasted.
Friday, January 26th 2007 @ 1:16 AM
Posted by Mike:
“can afford a personal therapist, or the ones we can barely pay for are hideous, so like what am I supposed to do, just get over it and love myself and pull a bunch of enjoyable free-or-low-cost hobbies out of my asshole? “

I would suggest yodeling as a hobby, but I’m having a hard time figuring out the physical logistics involved in pulling a yodel out of your asshole. Maybe you could yodel with your ass?….but I digress.

That seems like it’s the case for a lot of people seeking help for a psychological disorder. Particularly frustrating for those suffering from ED considering its high mortality rate, which is apparently increasing (beyond the 10% cited by most previous sources) according to some of the newer stats I’ve come across. It is also often argued that even some of the more expensive doctors cant provide truly effective treatment, typically resulting from a sort of default insularity. How can we really expect a professional to get intimate enough with their patients in order to really get a handle on why it was that their ED manifested itself the way it did throughout their life? Especially when the professional is treating many other patients simultaneously. When I first came across this page it struck me that this media format has great potential to achieve some of the same results that treatment and education can. Clearly it isn’t right now, but I’m pretty sure a lot of the people who’ve posted on here still lurk periodically, checking in periodically to see if Marya has started posting again. It’s a shame that most simply lurk. I think that whenever Marya does return to the board that she will undoubtedly read all the posts (like many of the posters have themselves) and if there were some conversations with some real substance just sitting there relevant to her life I’m sure she’d at least be interested if not appreciative. Particularly considering how many Wasted readers have expressed a desire to speak with desire. I mean
Friday, January 26th 2007 @ 2:05 AM
Posted by Mike:
- one “periodically”

Friday, January 26th 2007 @ 2:07 AM
Posted by Mike:
I mean, you said that flat out at the beginning of your first comment.

And I think that you should just bite the bullet and post one of your writings here and see what people say. You can be assured that I’ll leave a comment. And I realize that I’m probably asking a hell of a lot with that.

*this was supposed be on the last post*

Friday, January 26th 2007 @ 2:09 AM
Posted by Polly:
I bet she starts posting again when her new book comes out; I am starting to think this was just a publicity gimmick.
Friday, January 26th 2007 @ 11:36 PM
Posted by Mike:
I would make the same bet, but for wholely different reasons. I can’t imagine that she’d use a place like this as an instrument for gimmickery. I think I said something like this before, but my gut tells me that in writing about madness she must be putting herself through something akin to what it was like to produce Wasted. The reason I suggest this is that since ED is by no means fully understood, that it would at the very least be in the realm of possibility that an eating disorder is, in most cases, a form of madness. I have no idea if she’s writing it from her perspective or not, so my insinuation isn’t exactly strong. But if she is it cant be an easy task. I think you all recognize the bravery it took for her to write Wasted. I think a lot of that same bravery is here written on this site by her. Conversing with other ED sufferers can’t be something entirely easy for her. Much like the people who have a hard time not letting something like reading Wasted act as a trigger, Marya might be subject to something similar to that in talking about Wasted on here with everyone. I think she’s brave and generous for even starting this journal. So, obviously i also think she is brave for writing about madness. I could be totally wrong about all my suggestions. We’ll have to wait til the book comes out to see what is what. I cant wait to read it either way.
Saturday, January 27th 2007 @ 12:53 AM
Posted by Marya:
Hello, finally, to all of you who have kept the conversation going on this board. It’s great to read your posts, and I appreciate the opportunity to keep up with you. The past year has been pretty crazy for me, which is why I haven’t written, but I’m back now. I apologize for bailing out for so long. I’ve been busy writing another book. But contrary to what some of you have written, no, this site is not a publicity gimmick. You have to realize that sometimes people’s personal lives supercede their public lives, and as I said, I’m sorry I haven’t been around.

There’s a post on the tag board that I find pretty disturbing. Someone says they’re pretty sure that Wasted was exaggerated, and that I wanted to paint myself as the “poor girl.” I think that’s a pretty odd reaction to a very honest, very searching chronicle of something I struggled with, something that a lot of people struggle with, and I don’t believe those people are “exaggerating” any more than I was. I believe real people have real problems, and I believe that by sharing our stories we provide strength to each other and support for recovery. I am always saddened to hear that some people are triggered by Wasted. I can see how that would happen, but my firm conviction, given all the letters and emails I get every day, is that the book gives people a sense that they are not alone, that they have the strength to combat this disease, and that someone out there knows what they’re going through. For those of you who find the book triggering, I can only apologize, and suggest that you not read the book again or use it as it was not intended to be used.

There’s a lot to talk about here besides eating disorders, and I hope we keep those conversations going. But it’s important to talk about recovery, struggle, and challenges with eating disorders as well. As much as Wasted says that recovery is difficult to find, I truly believe that it is possible, and I hope those of you who are struggling can find the stren
Tuesday, January 30th 2007 @ 8:28 AM
Posted by Marya:
(continued) the strength within yourselves to reach for it. Supplement that strength with the support you find from people around you, and believe in the possibility of wellness, happiness, and health. You truly can find it. Have hope. Hope is what gets us to the place we want to go. Let it carry you along.

I’ll post more soon.
Be well,
Marya
Tuesday, January 30th 2007 @ 8:30 AM
Posted by Mike:
Hi Marya, glad you are back. How is the book coming along?
Tuesday, January 30th 2007 @ 12:38 PM
Posted by hogan:
Yeah!!! You’re back. It’s nice that there is a safe place here. Did you enjoy the book tour? Are you planning another one for the new book?
Wednesday, January 31st 2007 @ 7:12 PM
Posted by Tatiana:
I was so excited to read the update, Marya… glad you managed to make it back here after all this time!! :D.

I have to say, though, that at different times, depending on my mindset, I have alternately found Wasted very triggering and not triggering at all. It’s rather… odd, actually. But I do find that every time I read the book I seem to see it in a different light — different parts hit closer to home during different re-readings. Does anybody else find that this happens to them when they reread the novel?
Thursday, February 1st 2007 @ 5:40 AM
Posted by Denise Miller:
hey mike, thank you for responding to my tirade. I just moved from albany, ny to surprise, arizona (yes that really is the name of it, i didn’t just like have a retard twitch and write a random word)anyway i hadn’t had time to see if anyone responded to my pathetic plea for attention…oh, and i tried like hell to find one fucking paragraph in all of my writings that was not related to ED symptoms, and i found one and it sucked, but I posted it anyway.that was the same day i wrote the letter. well i just looked at it and went into a sweat-inducing frenzy because i forgot a few words and some punctuation, and heywhaddayaknow, NOBODY responded, but i wrote a sweet-ass poem that i will post when i feel like copying it, theres only one reference to bulimia-related activity and it could totally be interpreted other ways. maybe i’ll just send it to you if you write back.
Saturday, February 3rd 2007 @ 10:44 PM
Posted by Denise Miller:
hey marya, i hope you weren’t offended by anything that i wrote on jan 24, i just really wish i could talk about what i’m going through and what i’m sure many of the people who read wasted are going through (or went through or whathaveyou), and it just pisses me off that we’re not allowed to. But i understand the point of it, i guess. I’ve never been the rule-following-type, but i like you more than i like most people, so i won’t say anything “bad”.
I just have a question…i just moved across the entire country (got to arizona yesterday) and i have that giddy i-get-to-start-over-and-now-i’ll-be-this-totally-awesome-new-person feeling, and i’m sure you know best of all how that feeling can trigger, um, restricting…what advice would you offer?
Saturday, February 3rd 2007 @ 11:03 PM
Posted by mike:
Hey Denise, hope the move from NY to Arizona isn’t too much of a shock so far. And I think you are doing yourself an injustice when you call your plea for attention pathetic. Like you said yourself, you don’t have anyone to talk to about things that you obviously feel strongly about. That you felt compelled to talk to someone else about the connections that you undoubtedly feel with what Marya writes about in Wasted should really come as no surprise to you as you read what everyone else has written here. Seeing as you read all the posts Im sure you already understand that. So, you really shouldn’t look at it as pathetic. I’d say its more admirable than anything. You said yourself that if you’d found this site while you were suffering worse symptoms that you wouldn’t have been to shy and self-conscious to speak up. Something has obviously changed in you and I would hope that you see that as a good thing. That’s how it looks to me at least.

As for your writing, I hadn’t looked in the writing thread, so I missed it til you pointed it out. I read it and quite enjoyed it. I’ll leave a more detailed review in the thread. Also, please feel free to email me your poem and anything else you want to share. I would love to read them and tell you what i think.
Monday, February 5th 2007 @ 1:29 AM
Posted by mike:
oops, didnt leave the email. ;P
Monday, February 5th 2007 @ 1:30 AM
Posted by Marya:
Hello, everyone!

It’s a beautiful snowy day here in Minneapolis— finally a little warmer after a week of ten below zero (!) temps and windchills in the -60 range. Anyone else live in the north (or in Iceland or the North Pole)? It’s enough to make you question your sanity for living here.

Denise, you ask about why I don’t want people to talk about eating disorder symptoms on this website. The simple reason is that this is actually an author website, intended as a place where people can talk about books, and even post their writing. This isn’t an eating disorders website, and I don’t offer an eating disorders support group. It’s great that people can use it as a place to get support, and I’m all for using it that way, but I believe that talking about symptoms specifically is usually triggering. More importantly, I want to encourage people to talk (and think) about things other than their eating disorders. We think enough about those already. So if you can frame your comments and questions about eating disorders as requests for support, I think that will be of much more use to you than talking about your symptoms. That said, I know people talk more about eating disorders on the Wasted blog. This board is for talking about other things going on in people’s lives, and for chatting about interests and more forward-looking things like that.

As for advice about avoiding the desire to start using symptoms when you move to a new place, I suggest first of all that you find a good therapist (in a nearby larger town if you don’t have one in Surprise) and work on your urges and wishes there. It is important to realize, as you already do, that wherever you go, there you are. There’s no such thing as instantly becoming a new person. There’s only the important attempt to work on the issues that follow you where you go. Encourage yourself to use this change to broaden your interests, meet new people, and get a satisfying life without an eating disorder started for yourse
Tuesday, February 6th 2007 @ 6:49 AM
Posted by Marya:
yourself. Good luck.

So I’m sitting here ensconced (sp?) in my office with a snowy day of writing ahead of me. Sometimes I love my job, sometimes I hate it, but it always keeps my brain busy. It’s awfully nice to have a life that’s full of things besides illness— everyone keep posting about what those things are for them. It’s great to read about them.

Peace,
Marya
Tuesday, February 6th 2007 @ 6:51 AM
Posted by Mike:
You got it right. Ensconced is a great word too. Im particularly fond of equanimity lately. But im the kind of dork that thinks that reading the “word of the day” archive at dictionary.com is a productive way to spend an hour.

I live in Canada, but I’m in Vancouver, so I deal predominantly with unfrozen precipitation through the winter. Although a few weeks ago it cleared up and got down to -15 celcius which is pretty damn cold in my books. I even managed a few days out rock climbing because of how dry everything was. I was not so ensconced in my room whilst the winter rains soaked us as they typically do so it was a welcome escape to go climbing. It also meant that I could trudge through the back country without worrying about bears too much. Although part of me kind of wants to stumble into one hibernating in a den so I could snap a few photographs. But -60 is insane. I have a few friends and family in Minneapolis and I don’t know how you guys do it.

As an aside, do you have any music suggestions? Reading a blurb on wikipedia about you and saw that you’ve accomplished quite a lot journalistically. Music has always been an integral part of my life and I try and aquire music from as many interesting people as I can.

Mike
Tuesday, February 6th 2007 @ 6:33 PM
Posted by Denise:
marya, thank you for the advice…hey i thought of something to do that’s healthy, fun, funny, and involves writing/thinking about words…Mad Libs!!!! i know, i’m a big dork, but…well it’s better than yodeling with your ass. which reminds me, MIKE, you could at least e-mail me back and make up a lie about your sudden disinterest in writing to me…
Tuesday, February 6th 2007 @ 9:23 PM
Posted by Mike:
Hey, I’m easily distracted. I had just finished writing my post here when I read your email and while in the act of writing an email back to you I thought I saw something shiney. Next thing I know I’m at the police station wearing a clown suit being charged with reckless endangerment and disturbing the peace for freeing all the pets at the mall pet store. Apparently an old lady got swarmed by kittens and got blood poisoning from the toxoplasm in the kitty bitess. Its been a long day.

But seriously, I was rushed between work and play and had barely enough time to read this board and your email. I shall send you an email forthwith, madam.
Tuesday, February 6th 2007 @ 10:18 PM
Posted by Mike:
helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?

anyone?

Saturday, February 10th 2007 @ 11:07 PM
Posted by Mike:
“I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.”

- Martha Washington
Sunday, February 11th 2007 @ 2:24 AM
Posted by Mike:
“The view… from my apartment… was the World Trade Center…. And now it’s gone. And they attacked it. This symbol of American ingenuity, and strength, and… and labor, and imagination and commerce, and it is gone. But you know what the view is now? The Statue of Liberty. The view from the South of Manhattan is now the Statue of Liberty. You can’t beat that….”

Jon Stewart
Sunday, February 11th 2007 @ 2:28 AM
Posted by Nina:
I just wanted to say that I’ve been checking this blog at least every few weeks for the last year and I am absolutely, positively THRILLED to see you posting again, Marya. Congratulations again on your award. I hope the book is coming along well, and if you ever have anything you can disclose here, we’d all love to read it. I hope the book to which you are referring is the one regarding bipolar disorder! I remember a few years ago you responded to a letter I wrote to you, saying among other things that it is important that I not let my diagnoses control who I am. I’ve kept that advice in mind ever since, and I look forward to seeing how you tackle that.

I hope your life is going well. I hope you still have enough cozy rooms full of books, friendly delis and coffeeshops, and inspiring thoughts to keep the winter warm.

And if it makes you feel any better, I think lately it’s been around -50 at the South Pole, and it’s summer there. So it could be worse!
Sunday, February 11th 2007 @ 11:47 PM
Posted by Jessica:
I don’t know what to do. I can’t seem to keep both feet on the ground long enough to make any realy progress. I find it so difficult to articulate what this feels like to a therapist, and they end up getting frustrated with me for my inability to do that. I don’t blame them. They think I don’t want their help. I do. I just…don’t know what to say to them. I’ve kept it to myself for too long. Do you ever feel that way? Like it’s impossible to peel away so many layers for someone, no matter how much they want to understand? If you have any advice, I would love to hear it. I don’t know who else to talk to.
Friday, February 16th 2007 @ 11:12 AM
Posted by Marya:
FINALLY it’s warmed up a little—-all of 12 today, but it beats the days where your breath freezes to your scarf when you step outside. It’s been a week of running around doing all that life stuff for me, absolutely nothing of note, but I’m getting some reading done—-I’m on a philosophy kick (thanks for the note, Mike!), and reading about hot topics like science, morality, neurochemistry, and the history of Rome…you never know what I’m going to get my mind snagged on, and then I’m off on a whole new kick. I’m a firm believer in educating yourself long after school’s over. Makes me feel like I’m stretching my gray matter and maybe, just maybe, making it possible to keep thinking when I’m as old as we’ll probably all live to be because of modern science.

Jessica, I feel for you. Therapy is really tough, even when you’re not in the middle of a crisis or early in recovery. Opening up to a therapist is hard, because it always feels like you don’t know where to start. The only thing I can suggest is to start from the beginning—-walk in there and tell her right where you’re at that minute, then start digging backward to how you got there, and then further back to how this relates to some of your underlying issues. It’s amazing how all of us spend our days acting out our issues and our pasts, and therapy can really help with unpacking all that leftover garbage. Good luck with that.

I’m on a cooking spree, and spend my weekends reading recipies (really intellectual stuff, no?) and cooking complicated stuff. This week I’m cooking Morrocan. Hopefully it turns out.

All of you have a great week!

Marya
Saturday, February 17th 2007 @ 1:55 PM
Posted by Nina:
Moroccan! How exciting. I think the most exciting part of exploring a new cuisine is getting to play with spices you’ve never tasted, considered, or even knew existed. I think this explains my obsession with the Food Network.:)
Saturday, February 17th 2007 @ 6:05 PM
Posted by Mike:
Glad to hear the cold isn’t as bad anymore. My week has been pretty much the same with just the daily things that consume nearly all my time. I did manage to find time to buy a panini grill which is still making me smile. Breakfast will never be the same.

I can relate to the constantly shifting focus of learning. That’s one of the more valuable things that I’ve gleaned from philosophy, to see value in a conciliatory understanding of all things observable. I’m tickled that you have a similarly intuitive consciousness. Having the desire to continue learning after school is finished is made so much easier now with the internet and rapid advancement of computer technology.

Here’s a few great examples:

http://www.online-literature.com/author_index.php — free books!

http://www.physorg.com/news90775923.html — scientists convert heat to power using organic molecules

http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,72734-0.html?tw=wn_technology_4 — quantum computer – basically could change EVERYTHING about how computers work

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantum_computing — in case what I just linked to is like “huh?” for anyone ;P

http://humanelement.blogspot.com/2007/01/real-human-element.html#links — video about British savant – if you go to any of the links I provided THIS is the one you should watch. Very insightful into the reality of how our minds work and how thin the line of variability is regarding all types of conscious development.

As for food, I’ve been on a big stir fry bender when I’ve been cooking at home. When I go out its been sushi. In case you didn’t know, sushi is perhaps the greatest thing ever devised.
Saturday, February 17th 2007 @ 7:54 PM
Posted by Tatiana:
Jessica, I know what you mean about wanting help but not knowing what to say. My psychologist and I actually just very recently terminated due to her inability to get me to open up, and my inability to reconcile to her style of therapy (which was CBT, a school of psychological thought that I do not find in the least personally helpful). After I come back from residential I’ll hopefully have a new psychologist, though. And in the meantime, life will chug along, and I will still be getting some help… I guess things could be worse, hey?
Sunday, February 18th 2007 @ 12:27 AM
Posted by Jessica:
Yeah, things could be worse. I just can’t seem to climb outside of my own head for long enough to make sense of anything to myself, much less a perfect stranger. Does it help you to be in residential treatment? It might be nice to be in an environment where you are completely devoted to working these things out. Where recovery is the only thing on the agenda. Is it getting easier? I hope so.
Wednesday, February 21st 2007 @ 11:32 AM
Posted by chiara:
here in Italy, this winter is the warmest since the end of the XIX century. flowers are blossoming…that’s not ok…
Thursday, February 22nd 2007 @ 2:22 PM
Posted by mike:
I’m glad Tatiana brought up her dislike for CBT. I’ve been reading a lot about it lately and it seems rather interesting. This link was a good read, although a bit long:

http://www.psych.yorku.ca/bohr/6480/documents/eatingDisorders1.pdf

there are plenty of other good documents on the source site:

http://www.psych.yorku.ca/bohr/6480/documents/ - a few on CBT and childhood anxiety disorder

“1.3.1.4 When people with bulimia nervosa have not responded to
or do not want CBT, other psychological treatments should
be considered.
1.3.1.5 Interpersonal psychotherapy should be considered as an
alternative to CBT, but patients should be informed it takes
8–12 months to achieve results comparable with cognitive
behaviour therapy. “ — http://www.nice.org.uk/pdf/cg009niceguidance.pdf

I remember someone mentioning that type of therapy on this board at some point. Has that been offered to either of you as an option before?

http://gateway.nlm.nih.gov/MeetingAbstracts/102193692.html

its worth noting that I found all these links by inputting “cbt criticism eating disorder” into “the google”.

My gut tells me that the input of people such as yourselves is perhaps far more valuable than that of many if not all of these studies. It’s rather easy for people to share their difficulties here with people that they feel a degree of connection to. Marya has proven to be quite the catalyst for many others bouts of extreme honesty. If Tatiana or anyone else wanted to comment on their experiences, good or bad, with CBT I think it could prove to be a productive conversation.

“due to her inability to get me to open up, and my inability to reconcile to her style of therapy”

that one had me thinking. What exactly didn’t work with CBT and what do you think it would take to get you to open up?

Hope im not asking too much.
Thursday, February 22nd 2007 @ 11:55 PM
Posted by Mike:
“Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested: that is, some books are to be read only in parts, others to be read, but not curiously, and some few to be read wholly, and with diligence and attention.”

Sir Francis Bacon
Friday, February 23rd 2007 @ 4:24 PM
Posted by Mike:
http://www.livescience.com/humanbiology/050808_human_consciousness.html

excellent article.
Saturday, February 24th 2007 @ 4:24 AM
Posted by merry:
Dear Marya: Have you seen any good movies lately? I am really lookin forward to the Oscars this weekend.
Saturday, February 24th 2007 @ 4:56 AM
Posted by Joy:
Honestly, although CBT is helpful, I’m increasingly becoming a fan of DBT for ED therapy.
It specifically addresses the ‘all-or-nothing’ tendencies of most ED’d individuals, and it focuses on teaching actual life skills, as opposed to solely focusing on cognitions.
Saturday, February 24th 2007 @ 11:36 PM
Posted by Mike:
Thanks for making a comment, Joy. I hope others can share their ideas and experiences too. I visited your website and I am rather taken back. Your story is amazing. It doesn’t matter how many people I meet or stories I read about these disorders and the people who have them, I’m still blown away by the stories of survival and the life of recovery afterwards. To know how far down you went and then see where you are now and how much you put into helping others is amazing. At first I felt like Marya’s story represented a higher magnitude of disordered experience. And by all means that is true. She nearly died twice. I rteeally dont need to remind any of you how amazing Marya’s story is. But it’s seeming less and less unique to me as I learn more and more. And I don’t feel like that detracts one bit from the signifigance and importance of her penning that classic. I just find myself realizing how many people actually die from this and it breaks my fucking heart. I am so greatful that people like Marya and yourself do what you do. You guy’s save peoples lives by sharing how you managed to save your own.

Mike
Monday, February 26th 2007 @ 10:54 PM
Posted by Anya:
Marya, I was wondering if you are planning to be out in the Bay Area for any lectures/talks/appearances??

Thanks!
Anya
Thursday, March 1st 2007 @ 11:33 PM
Posted by Nomes:
Hi - I posted this awhile ago;

I don’t know if Marya actually reads these comments… I don’t know what I expect as a reply anyway. I just feel completely out of hope, lost as to where to turn. I’ve been struggling with anorexia since I was 10 years old, now 23 (13 years). I am what they (professionals) have termed chronic. Told that I’ll never get better, that the most I can hope for is a ‘maintained’ eating disorder and will likely continue to bounce in and out of hospital until I die.
This is NOT the life I want… I want to get better, yet all I do is fuck up and relapse time and again. I’m at a point where after 13 years I can hardly believe that anything will ever change.
I don’t know why I’m posting this — I guess I don’t want to give up, yet my spirit has faded so low within me that trying again seems impossible.
Nomes
Saturday, January 13th 2007 @ 12:22 AM

And then shortly afterwards life went to shit in far too many ways than to go into here, I also have been without internet since 18th of Jan until yesterday.

Mike I want to say thankyou for the email you sent, I didn’t read it obviously until just now, but it really meant allot that you would reach out to me. I’ll probably send you an email back in a few days, once I’ve gotten my head together a little more.

I noticed that CBT has been bought up as a current topic of discussion so here are my thoughts / experiences….

I HATE CBT — in the end it’s done little more than reinforce the idea to me that I’ll never get better, that my thinking is incurably flawed!!!

Most the therapy I have received has been based on CBT, and in the last 2 yrs has seen me kicked out of residential treatment (after 9months) and also more recently outpatient psych gave up on me due to my lack of progress and unresponsiveness to therapy, which again was CBT based.

They say I’m unwilling or not putting the ‘tools’ to work… but that’s not the way I experience the whole thing.

CBT’s whole aim
Saturday, March 3rd 2007 @ 1:53 AM
Posted by nomes:
CBT’s whole aim is to identify the thoughts/triggers/beliefs etc establish what evidence you have for these, then finding the truth and backing that with factual evidence. This I can do, I’m intelligent enough to realise when and where my thinking is flawed and in many circumstances just completely illogical. The problem comes from not being able to transfer this intellectual knowledge into personal truth.

Example
“I’m a fat, lazy, greedy, selfish cow”
My proof - Its how I feel. It’s what I see. I just know it to be so
The ‘truth’ - My BMI is at 15, no one can be described as fat or even normal at such BMI. This BMI indicates that I am very much underweight and therefore not fat or needing to lose weight. I’m studying a full time load at uni while working 30hrs a week as a nanny for a now 1yr old. I study at an obsessive rate and sleep only 4-5hrs a night… this is not indicative of a lazy person.
Greedy ? Hmmm well working as a nanny requires one to give allot of themselves especially emotionally. I’m always running around trying to fix things that are going wrong in other ppls lives. I often send flowers and other things in the mail to people I don’t even know in real life (only via internet) hoping to brighten their day… hmmm not really the description of a greedy or selfish person.
Ok so there are all the real facts. They are concrete and true… so what do I now feel/think/believe??

I’m and ugly, fat, greedy, selfish cow!!!

It’s so frustrating… I KNOW the truth but I can’t seem to BELIEVE it. Nothing ever seems to change in my head/mindset. Everyone gets so tired of this and eventually they throw their hands up in the air and say, “I give up” — what they don’t realise is that it’s just as infuriating for myself.

Why can’t I just ‘get it’, it makes me so angry at times that I just want to smash my own head against the wall over and over! What no one realises is they can walk away… I only wish I too could throw my hands up and walk away..
Saturday, March 3rd 2007 @ 1:56 AM
Posted by nomes:
… but here I am stuck with my head and myself!!

So um yeah… that’s my little rant about CBT. All it’s every done for me is make me feel like a very small, stubborn child. Continually failing and frustrating everyone even my treatment teams.

Nomes
Saturday, March 3rd 2007 @ 1:57 AM
Posted by ashley:
this is the nice ashley by the way not the other one who rolls her eyes or whatever…anywho if anyone remembers i moved to bemidji, well now i am back in minneapolis and doing so much better. i think. i moved back here to go to treatment ended up not going and moved in to my sponsors apartment because she ended up going to california for treatment herself. as it turns out she had been using speed and abusing her meds the entire time. i got a new sponsor continued to be supportive of my old one. oh yeah she didnt know i knew she was using or that she was going to treatment. she lied to me the entire time and had no idea i was on to her. she comes back from cali last week even nuttier than before she left and did some really disturbing crazy things that i wont get into and i found drugs all over the bathroom so i pack my shit up and am out in less than an hour. confront her and tell her parents then a really fucked up intervention takes place and her family has her institutionalized. i had to move out in the middle of a 3 day near blizzard into a friends 1 bedroom apt with her and her 3 legged cat. oh yeah and i am coming out of an ugly relapse. i have been sober again for a couple of months and not throwing up for a few weeks or starving. even with all this insanity going on around me im managing to muttle through. i have recently started doing yoga. i would highly reccomend it to anyone in recovery or anyone who is struggling with anything in their life. anyway sorry about the crazy post i just wanted to make a quick comment and totally went off but i guess i needed to get it out. i hope everyone is having a good day.
Saturday, March 3rd 2007 @ 3:17 PM
Posted by Jennifer:
Nomes,

I wish I could give you a big hug.
I know it may only be small consolation, but you aren’t alone. It is VERY difficult to change attitudes and behaviors that have existed for years. Having the strong desire for health is the first step, but it is not enough to undo that damage of long-standing self-destructive thoughts and behaviors.

On the bright side, though, it sounds like you have that strong desire. So, you’ve taken the first step!

I think I’ve heard Marya say this, but the next step is to just completely cease self-destructive behaviors. It’s hard, but it’s necessary. I think your body has to get a little healthier in order for your mind to get a little healthier.

About CBT - it doesn’t work overnight. I think you did a very good job with your example and it shows that you have a good grasp of some tools. But it took me lots of practice before it really changed the way I felt. I found that it helps to write these things down. I kept a dysfunctional thought record for a while and did just what you did. It took a while for my feelings to catch up with my new, more rational, thoughts.

My thoughts and hopes go out to you,
Jennifer
Sunday, March 4th 2007 @ 7:41 AM
Posted by Marya:
Hey, all,

Good to see you all here. There’s a lot to think about. I’ve got some amazing people on my website.

There’s a lot to be said about CBT, and about DBT and other forms of therapy in use for EDs. I’m not an expert, but I’ve probably tried it all, and I do know a little something about the theories and practices. So take what I say with a grain of salt.

But first, to those of you who are struggling with getting to the bottom of your issues in therapy: Jennifer was right, I have said before that the first thing on the docket is symptom cessation. Several of you are pretty stuck in symptoms right now, and maybe really trying to decide for yourselves whether you want to let the eating disorder go. I have a problem with people saying you’re “ready” to let it go. You’re never ready. There’s no perfect moment. It doesn’t dawn on you one day that—oh my god—you have to stop. It’s a slow, gradual process of growing awareness: the awareness of a desire to live, to live a full and meaningful life, to live in freedom; the awareness of a real self you can rely on and become comfortable with, even without the eating disorder to keep you “safe”; the awareness that you can, in fact, recover. Fully. Honest to god, you really can. Don’t listen to the doctors who say you’ll be in and out of the hospital for the rest of your life. “Chronic” is a loosely-used term used to describe people who’ve struggled for a long time and are continuing to struggle, that’s all—it’s not a death sentence, and it doesn’t mean you won’t be able to recover. It means only that you’ve got a lot of work to do. But who’s afraid of doing the work? The only thing to fear, as they say, is fear itself. Fear is what runs an eating disorder, and fear is what runs an eating disordered person’s life.
Tuesday, March 6th 2007 @ 4:14 PM
Posted by Marya:
You’ve got to take the fear in both hands and smash it on the floor. Being fear, it will flare up again. But you can finally trust yourself to act in accordance with strength, rather than allowing yourself to be driven by fear. So are we “ready” to let go of an eating disorder? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we make a decision. You either are in recovery, or you aren’t. That doesn’t mean the recovery is perfect. There will be setbacks and struggles all the way. But it means you’ve chosen to live your life a new way, and you’re doing everything you can to make that happen. It’s a decision you can make no matter what type of therapy you’re in, no matter whether you like it or whether you think it’s “working.” What needs to “work” is you. Take the tools you have right now and start by choosing, every time you’re tempted, not to use symptoms. It will hurt like hell. It will be terrifying and uncomfortable. Sit with it. You’ve dealt with worse. It will pass, I promise it will. Just wait it out, and then you’ll have won this round. You can be proud of yourself, even if that pride has a shadow of guilt because you didn’t use the eating disorder, which will tell you that you belong to it. The more often you make the choice not to use symptoms, the more you see you can do it, the more you trust yourself, and the more you give yourself a chance to see how good life gets without being sick all the time. Without the obsession, the compulsion, the constant, eroding fear.

But, you want to know, how?

Kids, it’s this simple: eat, keep it down, and don’t overexercise.

But how?

Just sit the fuck down, eat, don’t go to the bathroom, and stay out of the gym for the time being.

Until you arrest the symptoms, you don’t have the clarity of thought you need to work on long-term recovery. All those underlying issues require your full attention and a clear head. I’m not saying that you can just magically give up the symptoms. I’m saying you can SUSPEND THEM for the
Tuesday, March 6th 2007 @ 4:22 PM
Posted by Marya:
time being until you do the work you need to do to give them up for good.

The key in making therapy work is motivation. If you want it bad enough, and if your therapist is a good one, you can make therapy work for you. CBT works for a lot of people, not so much for others. Its focus on changing the way that you think seems to allow some people to rewire their thinking and change the eating disordered thoughts into healthy ones, which allow them to make better choices on a daily basis. CBT is not intended to help you deal with the deeper issues underlying the behavior. That’s for long-term therapy. You can’t recover from an eating disorder by going issue-first. You’ve got to get the thinking and the behavior under control, and THEN you’ll have the ability to work on the issues. CBT can help with getting the thinking and behavior under control. At times it can seem really simplistic, or really superficial, but it’s been very effective for many eating disorder cases. DBT (dialectical-behavioral therapy) is also promising as a form of treatment, because, as someone said above, it focuses on daily living skills and on training the mind to handle unhealthy emotions more effectively. Both CBT and DBT are behavior-focused treatments, and both have a lot to recommend them. You need to realize that therapy is not the cure-all, and behavioral therapy is not the end of the line in terms of treatment modalities. There are several more advanced types of therapy that will be useful further down the line. Sometimes CBT or DBT in conjunction with a more standard talk therapy is effective, allowing you to work on the behaviors and the issues simultaneously.

There are a lot of ways to come at it. But the deciding factor is you. Don’t let yourself give up. I know you’ve had it a long time, you’re used to it, you trust it more than you trust the people telling you you don’t need it. But trust me: you don’t need it. You need to let it go. And to do that, you need to try everything
Tuesday, March 6th 2007 @ 4:35 PM
Posted by Marya:
at your disposal. Any treatment modality, any behavioral suggestion, anything you can get your hands on. Keep searching, and keep your head up. Recovery is a long process. Have patience with it and with yourself, but, at the same time, start separating yourself from the disorder. Call your own bluff, and question it every time you think you’re doing the thinking but you’re really just doing the eating disorder’s bidding. I go by the maxim they use in AA: Do the next right thing. That one sentence gets me through everything. When I’m confused, lost, lying to myself, feeling like just saying fuck it, I say to myself: Just do the next right thing. Sometimes it’s hard to know what that is, but if I’m honest with myself, and if I ask the advice of people I trust to have my best interests in mind, and if I listen to my gut, I can usually see my way clear to that next right thing. When you’re dealing with an eating disorder, you’ve got to ask yourself whether the “next right thing” is right for recovery or for sickness. Be honest with yourself. And make the choice that’s right for recovery. It gets easier every time you do it. Gradually, you can see the eating disorder for the pathetic, shrinking, desperate thing it is. You don’t have to let it be a part of yourself anymore. You can leave it behind, and do the next right thing for your own happiness, your own freedom, your own life.

Hell, people. Nothing is certain. Everything takes time. Fear is a big part of our lives. But too few people do themselves the favor of learning to treat themselves well. We’re all recovering from hating ourselves so profoundly that we could barely live inside our skins. There is no reason we have to live like that our whole lives. There is no reason we have to keep believing the voice in our head that says we’re a “fat, lazy, greedy pig.” At first, that voice will be so strong that we believe it. But start questioning it. Soon, with lots of retraining, lots of challenges to that voice, we b
Tuesday, March 6th 2007 @ 4:45 PM
Posted by Mike:
Great post, Marya. I get the feeling that what you just posted will be greatly appreciated by those involved in the conversation or anyone just stumbling into it. Thanks for giving your take on it.
Tuesday, March 6th 2007 @ 6:35 PM
Posted by ashley:
wow. i needed to hear (read) that. knowing what the next right thing is is hard. sometimes i think im doing the right thing and it turns out to be the wrong thing and then everything blows up in my face and i think my motives are good at the time but when things go wrong i realize that 99 percent of the time i make decisions based on fear and selfishness but i dont try to and at the time i can honestly justify a decision that is obviously wrong in retrospect. if that makes any sense. and all of the other stuff marya said about just making a fucking decision. i have been ready and then not ready and then maybe ready but not really sure. and shes right about never having a moment where youre ready you just have to do it. wow. i got kind of choked up reading that.
Wednesday, March 7th 2007 @ 1:22 PM
Posted by denise:
marya, thanx for that last message. it helps to remember that “doing the next right thing” is always an option…i usually have the mindset that i’ve done so many wrong things that trying to do a right one will be pointless, but you’re right, that is the selfish attitude.
Wednesday, March 7th 2007 @ 11:25 PM
Posted by Jodie:
Marya, you are amazing! You have become so much stronger than you were when you wrote Wasted, that alone should be an inspiration to us all! But your last paragraph said exactly what I have been telling myself lately: “we’re all recovering from hating ourselves” and “everything takes time” and “there is no reason we have to keep believing the voice in our head that says we’re a ‘fat, lazy, greedy pig’”!!! Depression and anxiety and obsessive compulsions and disordered eating all stem from fear and hatred (so I have come to believe anyways). We just have to learn to be patient and know that we are still loved when we fail but we cannot be healed unless we continue to try!!
Friday, March 9th 2007 @ 12:22 PM
Posted by Jodie:
http://www.rbc.org/uploadedFiles/Bible_Study/Discovery_Series/PDFs/When_We_Dont_Measure_Up_Escaping_The_Grip_Of_Guilt.pdf :It looks long but I couldn’t stop reading it once I started. If you have time give it a skim, I think it might keep your attention. It’s very enlightening and encouraging.
Friday, March 9th 2007 @ 2:19 PM
Posted by Joy:
Mike- Thank you so much for the nice comments! I get what you’re saying about the fact that there are SO MANY *amazing* stories out there. It’s been weird to put my story out there. I never really thought that more than just a few people I knew from random online places would ever read it. It has been an incredibly weird experience to have people tell me how ‘amazing’ they think my story was. I just think to myself ‘what else would I have done?’ I mean, really. It was either learn to eat so I could live, or throw in the towel and die. It kind of makes the choices a bit easier when you look at it that way…….
Ultimately, it just came down to the fact that I wanted more out of life.

Marya- I think what you said is right on! Excellent advice.
Ultimately, we recover when the pain of staying sick is outweighed by the pain of missing out on whatever else is out there.
And definitely— the hardest part of recovery is the first part. Every meal you keep down, every ‘unsafe’ food you conquer– it makes the next meal that much easier.

Hey Marya, if you’re ever interested in getting involved in some recovery-oriented media awareness, we’d love to set up some kind of event or collaboration with The Joy Project if you’re interested! Don’t know if that’s something you’re in the mood to do, but if you WOULD like to, email marketing@joyproject.org
Sunday, March 11th 2007 @ 9:10 PM
Posted by Jessica Fumo:
It’s a real wake-up call to read the posts on this web page sometimes. You all seem to have such a positive outlook on recovery. I really envy that. I always seem to return to this page whenever I”m feeling lowest and most in need of someone. Anyone, really. Anyone who knows. Sort of an umbrella when the sky is falling. It gives me a twisted sort of hope to read these things. Weather and morrocan cooking and advice. But the sky keeps falling. Harder and harder and I don’t know what to do. Harder and harder and nothing. Just empty smiles and fumbling towards nothing. Harder and harder and day after day. And I still don’t even know what to say. How pathetic is that?
Sunday, March 11th 2007 @ 9:55 PM
Posted by Mike:
Joy, I’m glad to know that my sentiment was met with appreciation. It’s been a rather humbling experience for me to learn what I have about disordered psychological experience. I’ve since discovered that two of my friends both have or are suffering from an eating disorder and fairly convincing signs of various co-morbidities. One of them has since talked to me a great deal about her experiences. The only time she has ever really had to deal with it was when she kicked and punched her parents as they tried unsuccessfully to get her into the car to take her to the hospital (which is pretty clearly not truly dealing with). She managed to gain weight back on her own. She has still never been for any form of help or therapy in the 11 years since then. She’d often dealt with suicidal thoughts since around the same time that the ED started. When she was 24 her brother hung himself in his room. She has since taken a while to find a mindset that is settling and functional. I’ve been telling her to buy Wasted since I first found out that she was disordered. It turns out she’s lazy so I finally just bought it for her on her birthday last week. I’m fairly certain it will be a rather reflective experience for her and should help her a great deal.

I can imagine it being rather unusual for you when strangers show the kind of appreciation and commendation for your story and how you work to help people. I’m pretty sure Marya has shared a similar sentiment either on this board or in Wasted (those of you with the book memorized can confirm that for me :P). Although I imagine that eventually that must change over time. From what I remember Marya says that she still receives letters and emails daily regarding Wasted and I get the impression that she quite likely answers each of them. Whatever her motivation is for being generous enough to give her own time to write back to people I obviously can’t accurately speak to. But I can imagine that the bulk of the messages that
Tuesday, March 13th 2007 @ 2:21 AM
Posted by Mike:
But I can imagine that the bulk of the messages that she receives express a great deal of appreciation that she wrote Wasted. That seems pretty consistent with most of the posts made on this board over the past few years. Someone already so thankful for what Marya has already has written is probably going to be rather fond of any direct communication shared with them. It’s clearly no replacement for real therapy, but I can only imagine it helps a lot nonetheless. I get the impression that what you do, Joy, is at least equally as helpful if not more seeing as you deal directly with people for the expressed purpose of helping them. Its one thing for me to commend either one of you for the wise decision of choosing to live rather than dying, you two clearly deserve immense credit for making it through something that kills so many people. However, I would say that it much more admirable how much both of you, amongst many other committed individuals, manage to help so many others similarly afflicted. I think either one of you would be quite justified if you chose to eliminate all things associated with eating disorder in order to help keep your recovery functional. That you choose not to is incredibly respectable.
Tuesday, March 13th 2007 @ 2:22 AM
Posted by Mike:
Jessica, I can’t really agree that how you are feeling is pathetic. If I’ve learned anything from reading this board and so many other stories is that finding real recovery from this disorder is by no means easy. Reaching out and saying something seems indicative of at least part of you wanting to find a way to recover. I can only imagine how frustrating it really is to have the kind of conflicting desires and actions I imagine you have. Not knowing what to say is by no means something to feel ashamed of. I imagine that you could probably find even more things to say and that you might be surprised as to how others may respond to it. I think its a safe bet that pretty much everyone who reads this board has at least a relative idea what its like to feel like you do now. Hope to hear back from you.

“You all seem to have such a positive outlook on recovery. I really envy that. I always seem to return to this page whenever I”m feeling lowest and most in need of someone. ”

Evidently you don’t find yourself able to feel positive about committing to the decision of recovery. You also express how you feel envy for those who do have that positive outlook. At least part of you wants that. I have no idea how to turn that amount of desire into the type of recovery that you admire so much when you find yourself feeling low and alone. But I do think that it was brave of you to say anything at all on this board. And I’d venture to say that talking more might help you find a more motivating direction to making yourself healthy.
Tuesday, March 13th 2007 @ 2:38 AM
Posted by OhJoy:
Hi there. I ran across this interesting article in the Guardian by Marya’s husband Jeff Miller about her anorexia. (http://lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/relationships/story/0,,2028553,00.html)
Was wondering what you all think.
Thursday, March 15th 2007 @ 3:13 PM
Posted by ashley:
i just read that article. in marya’s defense i have seen her a couple of times in the last couple of years and she looks fabulous. i think she looks perfectly healthy. and from her posts on this website she sounds healthy. even if that stuff her ex husband said were true what a dick for publicly speaking about it shame on him. i also know from my own personal experience that when i am doing really well there are people in my life just waiting for me to fuck up and if i am having a bad day or really just dont feel well or whatever the case may be, to them i must be relapsing. people like to blow things way out of proportion. thats just his side of the story. who knows maybe he just wants some attention or sympathy or whatever. my ex boyfriend was always doing shit like that. he ran his mouth not out of concern for me but for attention for himself. he would talk about my problems to anyone who would listen and bitch about what he sacrificed for me and how much my problems affected him. a lot of it was true but a lot of it was exaggerated. especially when things were good there was no drama so he needed to create some because he needs the attention. again i could be way off in this situation but marya has worked really hard on her recovery and deserves to have a lot of people in her corner rather than trying to bring her down.
Friday, March 16th 2007 @ 2:25 AM
Posted by Tatiana:
Hey, guys… just wanted to let you all know that I’m inpatient right now, and that it’s hard, but I’m still keeping up hope that this may help me be rid of ED once and for all. Keep your chins up, everybody!
Saturday, March 17th 2007 @ 11:03 AM
Posted by Jessica:
I just wanted to say, Tatiana, that I hope that you’re doing ok. I think it’s really great that you’re keeping hopeful. I really hope that everything works out ok for you and that this is the last time that you’ll ever have to go through something like this. I really admire your courage. Stay strong.
Thursday, March 22nd 2007 @ 1:16 PM
Posted by Mike:
http://www.wired.com/news/columns/0,73047-0.html

Thursday, March 22nd 2007 @ 2:48 PM
Posted by Jodie:
“Loving Ourselves…We habitually look after our own bodies by feeding, clothing, and protecting them. We naturally look after our own rights and are inclined to become frustrated or angry if others try to take advantage of us. We care for ourselves so much that when we don’t measure up to either our own expectations or those of others, we can become very unhappy with other and even angry with ourselves. *What we sometimes miss, however, is that the only reason we are dissatisfied with our appearance or discouraged by our failures is that we naturally care about ourselves. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t care about what we looked like. We wouldn’t care what others thought of us. We wouldn’t care whether we were hurting inside. We wouldn’t spend time with the image we see in the mirror. If we didn’t love ourselves, we wouldn’t even entertain thoughts of whether we’d be better off dead.” http://www.rbc.org/uploadedFiles/Bible_Study/Discovery_Series/PDFs/Self-Esteem.pdf
Thursday, March 22nd 2007 @ 8:32 PM
Posted by Anonymous:
wow, Jodie. That’s a really amazing quote, thanks for posting it. I honestly have never thought of things like that before. It’s an interesting perspective. I guess the instinct that self-deprecation implies self-hatred might just be a snap judgement about the human mind. I also think, though, that we care a whole lot not about ourselves as people but about the way other people see us. We want to be seen as strong, independent, disciplined, mysterious even. It really makes you think about what REALLY matters. Is it about ourselves, or is it about everybody else and the way we interpret our relationships with them? If I knoew the answer to that question, I would probably be a completely different person.
Friday, March 23rd 2007 @ 11:01 AM
Posted by Marya:
Wow, you guys. There is so much strong, healthy communication on this board right now. It gives me so much hope and inspiration, I can’t even tell you. A few direct comments: Jessica, keep talking. All of us here know where you are right now, have been there ourselves, and are actively working to move on from that painful place. As I said in my last post, it is necessary to give oneself the option to consider other ways one could feel and act. Just consider what you could be feeling, how you could be living instead, if you only gave yourself a chance. Our lives are driven by our actions, and our actions can completely redirect our lives—-end the cycle of darkness, isolation, fear, and illness. Our actions, in turn, are driven by the way we look at ourselves and our lives. But sometimes we need to do it the other way——suspend disbelief, and take the action before we feel completely safe in doing so. (The healthy action, I mean.) It allows us to give ourselve the opportunity to see what it’s like living the other way, in health. Once we’ve seen that, we often find that we are beginning to feel the strength as well. Just look at the evidence you see on this site. So many people willing to work toward the change, and so many finding so much better lives when they do. “A positive attitude toward recovery” comes from taking a deep breath and giving yourself a chance to take the first risk, just that first one, and realizing that it already improves your attitude. It’s hard and it takes a while. But the positive attitude will come.

Tatiana, it’s great that you’re in a safe place where you can direct your attention to seriously getting well. Hang in there, give it all you’ve got, and make this the last time.

Joy, I do media all the time. Pleae email me directly if you’d like to talk about it more. And, my God, how I admire the work you’re doing. We need people in recovery to use the strength they’ve gained in their struggle to help all of us….Next post…
Saturday, March 24th 2007 @ 8:20 AM
Posted by Marya:
Jodie, interesting quote. I can’t entirely agree with all of it, but it’s valuable to think about it. I do think that there are other reasons why we care so much what we look like and what other people think about than the fact that we actually care about ourselves. While I agree that, deep down, we do all have some self-protective mechanism driving our behavior, it all too often drives us in a twisted direction, going to extremes, and inverting itself into a self-destructive mechanism. I believe that letting go of the psychosis about we look like, and the dependence upon what other people think about us, is the return of that healthy self-respect. Without that return of self-love, there would be no recovery. But like I said, definitely an interesting quote to think about. I love posts like that.

In my own therapeutic work, I am working on the issue of letting go of what other people think about me. We all have that tendency, I think it comes built-in. But the project may be to let ourselves truly search out the best in what we feel about ourselves, and take that as the true assessment of what and who we are. When we stay in the zone out there that depends on other people’s opinions, we live, I hate to say, in a narcissistic world where everything is about us, how people see us, what they think of us, about everything from our character to our looks. I am working on leaving that dependence. It is teaching me a greater self-respect and self-reliance, which are crucial to our lives. It’s good work, and I recommend it to all of you.

After several beautiful spring-ish days (warm and sunny, but, ok, some dirty snow piles still on the ground), we’ve got a foggy one, which makes me just want to stay home and read. But the big world calls, and I’ll bounce out into it like Tigger, and do what I can to make this a good day. One day at a time, folks, one day at a time.

Cheers to all of you, and thank you for, once again, inspiring me.
Saturday, March 24th 2007 @ 8:29 AM
Posted by Jessica Fumo:
Thank you, Marya. If you only knew how long you’ve been right next to me, how much I’ve drawn on your experience to pull me out of this cycle of isolation and illness. I don’t think I could accurately articulate how much hearing actual encouragement from you means to me. It’s just such a long, dark, twisted road, and I haven’t seen the end of it yet. But I’m not ready to stop looking either. Thank you so much for your words.
Saturday, March 24th 2007 @ 2:27 PM
Posted by Joy:
I’d love to email you directly. Is your email on this site somewhere?? I’ll have to check…..

And wow, I can so completely relate to how difficult it is to give up worrying about what other people think about you.
I struggle with that every day, and it’s become even more difficult now that I’ve been dealing with the media. Part of me wants to avoid it all, because even though I’m glad that it’s positive attention, even the positive attention scares the crap out of me, because I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve got a big ego, because then they might feel the need to knock me down a bit. Plus, if people want to give me positive feedback on ONE thing I do, it scares me to think that they might have the expectations that I might be awesome on EVERY level, which of course is NOT the case.
It’s weird, sometimes we want to appear flawless, so that people can’t see our weak points and start picking at them.
At the same time, it’s terrifying to appear that you have it all together, because then you worry about how long it’s going to be before someone gets a glimpse of what’s REALLY behind that mask……
Gah!!!
Saturday, March 24th 2007 @ 6:01 PM
Posted by Margot:
Has anyone been to the Xanga site of the woman named Nancy Bratt who is dying of complications from a long term eating disorder and is trying to get people to get help before it is too late for them too? It is very sad, just wondered if anyone had seen it and what their thoughts were.

It is very good to have you back posting Marya; sounds like things are going well for you. I don’t post much but I check in a lot.
Sunday, March 25th 2007 @ 9:16 AM
Posted by Jessica:
Margot, I checked out the Nancy Bratt website. It was very touching, and I was glad that I saw it. It seems as though she has a pretty incredible support network. It’s always a bit of a wakeup call when you see someone that far gone. It makes me wonder where the point of no return is, and if it’s different for everybody. I suppose it is, and I sincerely hope that she hasn’t reached hers quite yet.
Wednesday, March 28th 2007 @ 11:02 AM
Posted by Theresa:
Hi Marya..in case you are reading tonight…HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Wednesday, April 4th 2007 @ 7:11 PM
Posted by Mike:
oooooo….HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Wednesday, April 4th 2007 @ 10:17 PM
Posted by lisa:
I hope that your birthday was Beautiful & full of joy.

I have enjoyed seeing you back on the boards recently.

xo
Wednesday, April 4th 2007 @ 10:26 PM
Posted by Catherine:
Happy belated birthday Marya,
May the year to come bring you happiness and only the very best of everything. You have given SO MUCH to so many of us. I hope it comes back to you, because you truly deserve it!

Cath
Saturday, April 7th 2007 @ 3:05 AM
Posted by ashley:
happy belated birthday marya! and happy easter everyone. i hope you guys all had a great holiday. and i hope any minnesotans here enjoyed the closest thing to nice weather we have seen in a while and probably will see for a while.
Monday, April 9th 2007 @ 12:49 AM
Posted by Sarah P.:
Well hello, everyone! I’ve been ghosting around this blog for awhile now and thought I’d introduce myself for once; letsee. I live in the tippity top of Idaho (beautiful, but I haven’t seen the sun since October :-s) but will be moving to Boston in September to kind of hang out and do the urban thing for a year before college - I’m highly stoked about it, I can tell you that much. (Do any of you guys live in Boston? Any suggestions or particularly delightful anecdotes or anything to boost my already-nearing-euphoric excitement? :-D). I read like a maniac and watch more Star Trek than is healthy, I’m sure. Think a lot. Write a lot. Write, play/sing, listen to, love music. Have a minor obsession with all things related to Norway (jeg er norsk by ancestry), an abiding case of wanderlust, and a passionate love of linguistics.

But enough said. Marya, I was reading some post long long ago that mentioned you were on a philosophy-reading kick. Pray, which philosophies had your attention? Any recommendations? (You’are a philosophy major, aren’t you? I thought I read that somewhere as well.) Anyone else out there have any philosophers/writings they’d like to recommend?
Tuesday, April 10th 2007 @ 11:15 PM
Posted by Sarah P.:
Oh! And this hasn’t much to do with my above question, but I’ve another: has anyone here ever read James Joyce’s “Finnegans Wake”? I picked it up in the library the other day and am mystified by/enamoured with/finding myself reviled by/demanding explanations from/more or less obsessed with it, and am love love loving the genius word play. (I’m an absolute sucker for alliteration, for starters.) I’m not really *reading* it, though, so much as I am leafing through it and being tickled to death by, again, the word play. But I won’t deny the fact that I’ve been rather unable to just READ it - how does one get through a book such as this? Thoughts?
Tuesday, April 10th 2007 @ 11:38 PM
Posted by Jenn:
Hi Marya! Two years ago this coming June I spent four months in the Methodist Hospital ED floor. I can tell you that the floor is still much the same. I was unable to continue my treatment, but I managed to stay symptom free for about a year…until I couldn’t anymore. And I know you hear it time and time again, but I probably wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for your inspired and gifted book. I still am in the midst of my now fourteen year struggle with Bulimia, but I have read and reread your book so many times I’ve actually had to purchase a second copy. There are days when I want life, love and all the “realities” of real, healthy life yet there are still those days where the darkness rolls in and I’m consumed with my insanity of this illness. I carry your book, my Bible and my journal everywhere I go. Again, Marya, thank you for the courage and bravery that you had at my age to write this beautiful memoir and I wish you health and a happy life. I hope someday I can rid myself of this demon on my back and again embrace the people I love and the healthy life I’ve never known. The posative and uplifting comments on the site seem like a good place to start
Thursday, April 12th 2007 @ 4:49 PM
Posted by Jenn:
I know that this isn’t an ed site and I don’t want to use it as such, but I had to share a bit of my story and I think it’s funny in an ironic way that we stayed in the same hospital. Anywho, I am in the process of completing the task of putting all my journal entries from over the past 10 years into a reader friendly format. I have long wanted to tell my story, but have often been silenced by my family, boyfriend and friends because they don’t want to be apart of my life. If you have any comments on dealing with respecting your loved ones and still writing your life in truth I would love to hear it. I always have kept a journal in the hopes that someone could learn from my mistakes and live life so joyously and ferverently. Maybe, if everyone wouldn’t mind I could post a snippet of my writing (nothing ed related) and get some genuine feedback from everyone. I have to say today is a good day and I’m hoping for more of them. I am able to smile and laugh today with honesty. One day at a time.
Thursday, April 12th 2007 @ 4:58 PM
Posted by Sarah P,:
Anyone? Philosophy? Finnegans Wake? …No?
Friday, April 13th 2007 @ 9:38 PM
Posted by Tatiana:
So I’m back from inpatient… I actually ended up leaving early, because I felt I’d gotten from it everything I was going to get. I’m still trying my hardest to keep recovery going, though. I really think it is, and will continue to be, worthwhile.

Hope everyone’s doing okay.
Saturday, April 14th 2007 @ 6:26 PM
Posted by ashley:
how are you doing tatiana? i am really close to going to treatment. i have been really close quite a few times actually but i am so afraid to take that step. i am sick of living like this and sick of leading this double life. i actually have random days here and there where i eat like a normal person and keep it down and am actually ok with it and each time that happens i pray that this is it and my disease is miraculously “gone” without actually having to do any work around it. but that normalcy only lasts for a few days. i just found out today that my mom has breast cancer. she felt the lump a long time ago but was too afraid to go to the doctor and face the reality so she ignored it. i am so angry with her and that is hypocritical of me. anyway so i am going to do it but i dont even know where to start. what doctor do i make an appointment with what do i make an appointment for? do i just make an appointment with a therapist from the yellow pages or do i need to see a physician and get a referral? i am really scared. i want this to work but i am not ready to let go. if i wait until im ready to let go ill be dead and thats just the reality. i do think i have the willingness to try and i hope thats enough. this disease is running my life my thoughts my actions and i am powerless.
Saturday, April 14th 2007 @ 7:54 PM
Posted by Mike:
Sarah P,

I’ll suggest “Metaphysics” by Richard Taylor for philosophy. “Consilience” by Edward O Wilson and “Time, Love and Memory” by Jonathan Weiner for a philosophical appreciation of scientific understanding and endeavor. And im finally getting back to Reading “The First Idea: How Symbols, Language and Intelligence Evolved From Our Primate Ancestors To Modern Humans” by Stanley I. Greenspan and Stuart G. Shanker. That one kicks ass….unless you are a fundamentalist. ;P

And no, I haven’t read Finnegans Wake.
Sunday, April 15th 2007 @ 2:29 AM
Posted by Jessica:
Jenn, I hope that you are feeling a little bit better. I know what you mean about carrying that book around, I have a habit of doing that myself. I just turn to a page and start to read. I would love to read some of your writing. I think it can be therapeutic to get some things out of your head and on paper. It forces you to articulate thoughts that you might otherwise have pushed away in order not to deal with them. Anyway, my opinion isn’t much, but its available if you like. I hope the good days keep coming.
Sunday, April 15th 2007 @ 11:29 AM
Posted by Mike:
I’ve been brooding many thoughts for quite a while now, biting my tongue and distracting myself with the internet and books. I’ve wanted to comment on many of the most recent comments, but I always end up thinking through what I’d like to say and it’s totally overwhelming for me. I feel like I have so much that I want to say that I end up saying little or nothing at all. It’s been like this in some sense since I first starting posting here. I imagine that some of that apprehension increased after Marya started posting again. Not really in any negative sense, but that I often feel that since I don’t have an eating disorder that I may say something precocious. Its not really that I’m afraid of offending someone, its more that skeptical of the value of what I may have to say. However, right along side with that I find myself processing many other seemingly relevant discussions, questions and observations. And they only seem that way to me because they involve addressing other people about statements and actions mentioned in their posts either intentionally or through my own interpretation. Not really an attempt to call people on anything, but just raise certain issues and try engage in dialogue with some real meat to it. A lot of the people on here have a lot to say but just aren’t being asked. And it’s not really that I’m worried about being wrong about any of it. I think most of my questions would be quite engaging and I’d be disappointed in myself if made someone upset. I’m just worried I might go on and on. So, I figure that I’ll do my best to write about all of the things that I’ve wanted to address, but only one or two posts a day. This place is relatively quiet anyways, so I’m sure my rambling could go unnoticed for quite some time. And if I really do manage to write down everything I’d like to and I do go long and become more of a pain than anything, someone please pipe up and tell me get off the stage. Even a “boo” would suf
Tuesday, April 17th 2007 @ 3:20 AM
Posted by Mike:
-fice.

Note to Marya: If you need any help with the new website let me know. Im not a pro, but I know a thing or two and can design - sort of. I hope that with the new board we wont have to worry about chopping up our posts like this silly board does.:P

And I just glanced back at when Marya first started posting on here again in 2007 and I realized that Polly stopped posting after that seeing as she raised a suggestion about Marya that wasn’t very thoughtful. Then I expressed disagreement with her sentiment, but I don’t really think that meant any harm with it. It wasn’t very wise of her to say it and Marya was quite right to respond to it the way that she did. I’m not making a criticism of either of them. Im just saying this because I hope that Polly still reads the board and maybe get her to start talking again. She was on the board for the same reason that everyone else is, Wasted. She was on here to talk to someone else that might understand the life she lives through. She was on here because she’d hoped to talk to Marya. I really get the feeling that she only said what she did because the place was effectively vacant, most notable of Marya herself. Her and I got a little testy with each other, but it soon became rather amicable and introspective. So, to make it simple, Polly, if you are reading this please say hi. I would like the chance to hear more about what you’ve got to say.
Tuesday, April 17th 2007 @ 3:33 AM
Posted by Jenn:
Thank you for your post Jessica. I hope for more days. Everytime I have a bad day I have to hide it. My boyfriend/fiance has threatened to leave me if he finds out i’m purging again. I know it’s desperation on his part. He doesn’t want to watch me kill myself. I started a new job so I’m thrilled to pieces about it all. And since you’ve offered so graciously to read some of my work I thought I would test the waters with an excerpt of my journals I’ve been working on….
Tuesday, April 17th 2007 @ 12:59 PM
Posted by Jenn:
(excert as follows, please delete if it offends!!!! I tried to find the least “triggering”)
Chapter Two
Life: The College Year

To me, this was the best year of my life. I had experiences and met people who made me believe in myself and I had one hell of a time doing it all. This chapter is relatively short for one reason. I simply decided to live my life to the utmost and journaling didn’t enter into it that much.
As you will read, those first few weeks were very hard. What you won’t really read is how much I enjoyed that year. My English teacher that year made my strive for the Gold when it came to writing. She is the reason for my ability to open up my life and use it’s experiences for good instead of letting them simmer and stew like poison inside my soul.
The previous chapter made references to my history with food and my behaviors were more evident during this year. There was no one to watch me or monitor me. I had no fear and purging became almost a daily occurrence. Coincidentally, my fibromyagia was increasingly painful that year. Later years, would prove stress on the body creates great pain.
Also I must note, this was the first year of schooling I had completed in school and not at home since my Freshman year of high school. My mother was beyond pleased. I think she was proud that, for once, a child of her loins wasn’t screwing up. Or so she thought. Surprise, Ma. Welcome to my E! True Hollywood Story.
I found love for the first time during this period of my life. Or at least what seemed like love at the time. Now, all I remember is the screaming fights over the phone and the separation of that relationship with my real life. Funny, isn’t it? Our abilities to compartmentalize and make memories feel like filed away fairytales. That’s what he is to me now.
With all of the wonder and joy of that year, there was also fear. September 11th was a nightmare of a day and we all are forever changed by it. Whene
Tuesday, April 17th 2007 @ 1:04 PM
Posted by jenn:
Whenever I read my entry from that time I’m horrified by how little we all knew and the enormity of the chaos around the world. It breaks my heart.
Whenever I read my entry from that time I’m horrified by how little we all knew and the enormity of the chaos around the world. It breaks my heart.
Tuesday, April 17th 2007 @ 1:07 PM
Posted by Jenn:
(Sorry…typo)
August 21st, 2001

Innocence isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes I think we need to experience the good and the bad in order to really comprehend the consequences of our actions. Take sexual acts for example. Everyone knows the physical consequences, but no one ever tells you about the emotional ones. It’s like adults think the physical dangers will be enough to keep girls from spreading their legs so they don’t bother getting into all the emotional crap. It’s been three months since I lost some of my sexual virginity. Okay, so I’m still a virgin in the technical terminology, but the fact remains I have seen a man completely naked and he has seen me completely naked. There was no oral sex, but there was plenty of touching and he had condoms. We tried to have sex, but it hurt so I made him stop.
Anyway, I didn’t suffer any physical consequences. No STD’s. No pregnancy. But I have an ache in my heart that doesn’t want to subside. I don’t cry anymore and I’m over my ex. Well, on the road to forgetting him. I would never actually take him back. I could never trust him again. I can’t help but be sadistically ecstatic that he despises his current girlfriend and completely homicidal that he could dismiss me so quickly. He was out man-whoring not even a full twenty-four hours after dumping me. He took advantage of my feelings for him and once I’d delivered my carnally starved body into his, oh soAnyway, I didn’t suffer any physical consequences. No STD’s. No pregnancy. But I have an ache in my heart that doesn’t want to subside. I don’t cry anymore and I’m over my ex. Well, on the road to forgetting him. I would never actually take him back. I could never trust him again. I can’t help but be sadistically ecstatic that he despises his current girlfriend and completely homicidal that he could dismiss me so quickly. He was out man-whoring not even a full twenty-four hours after dumping me.
Tuesday, April 17th 2007 @ 1:11 PM
Posted by Jenn:
Sorry so many copy and paste mistakes!!!! here’s the end I promise! And please be HONEST with comments!
….once I’d delivered myself into his oh so capapable handshe had no more use for me. That and his friends wouldn’t stop teasing him for dating a “fat chick.” All I wanted was him to love me in return and instead got my hear stomped on.
It’s not just emotional either. I can’t get the images of us together, or his voice, or even the scent of his cologne out of my head.
Tuesday, April 17th 2007 @ 1:17 PM
Posted by Polly:
Still reading; just not a lot to say and really busy with work.
Tuesday, April 17th 2007 @ 4:00 PM
Posted by Mike:
Im glad to hear you are still reading. I think that says a lot. Sucks that you are swamped with work. Im in the same boat with work and I have a growing list of rockclimbing induced injuries. Regardless, I hope you can find the time to write something down. I remember a lot of things you were saying before being quite insightful. Hell, I’d appreciate some criticism of my ramblings and I remember you being quite willing to offer it. You’ve pissed off more than one person on here and I don’t find that in the least bit troublesome. I think that being honest and speaking your mind, even when you aren’t totally sure you are correct, is a good thing. Hope I’m not being too melodramatic. ;P
Tuesday, April 17th 2007 @ 4:46 PM
Posted by Mike:
“I don’t believe in the concept of a primary narcissism. Instead, I regard all narcissism as secondary, stemming from some disturbance in the parent-child relationship. This view differs from that of most ego psychologists, who identify pathological narcissism as the result of a failure to outgrow the primary narcissistic state. Their belief in a primary narcissism rests largely on the observations that infants and young children only see themselves, that they think only of themselves and live only for themselves.

For a short time after birth, infants do seem to experience the mother as part of themselves, as she was when still in the womb. The newborn’s consciousness has not developed to the point of recognizing another persons independent existence. That consciousness develops quickly, however. Infants soon show that they recognize the mother as an independent being(by smiling at her), although they still function as if the mother were there only to satisfy their needs. This expectancy on the part of the baby – that mother will always be there to respond – has been referred to as infantile omnipotence. The term, however, seems unfortunate. As the British psychoanalyst Michael Balint points out, “It is taken for granted(by the infant) that the other partner, the object on the friendly expanse, will automatically have the same wishes, interests and expectations. This explains why this is so often called the state of omnipotence. This description is somewhat out of tune; there is no feeling of power, in fact, no need for either power of effort, as all things are in harmony.
Wednesday, April 18th 2007 @ 1:50 AM
Posted by Mike:
This issue of power, however, often enters into the relationship between parents and children. Many mothers resent the child’s taking it for granted that she, the mother, regardless of her feelings. Children are often accused of seeking power over their parents when all they want is to have their needs understood and responded to. Infants are totally dependent and can only appeal through crying. Children are also really powerless. In fact, it is the parents who are omnipotent with respect to the children, for they literally hold the power of life and death over children. Why, then, do we adults often refer to the baby as “his royal highness”? The idea of infantile omnipotence suggests a grandiosity that would justify the assumption of a primary narcissism. Yet I believe it is all in the adult mind. The parent’s narcissism is projected onto the child: “I’m special and therefore my child is special.”

from “Narcissism: Denial of the True Self” by Alexander Lowen, M.D.
Wednesday, April 18th 2007 @ 1:51 AM
Posted by Jessica:
Jenn, thanks for posting some of your writing. I always find these stories fascinating, to pick out the common themes that seem to link us all together. I thought it was really good, well writte. Don’t be afraid to get specific when writing about the things that set you off. What did he say that was hurtful? How did it feel when you found out he was sleeping with someone else? These are the things that drive home the hurt, the lonliness, the sense of inadequacy that drives us to do these things, to be this way. Definitely keep writing. i’m a firm believer that you will discover things about yourself that may clear some things up for you. I’m sorry that your boyfriend feels he has to take such a hard-line stance. I think that these kind of ultimatems just foster dishonesty and distance in relationships that are already strained with the energy it takes to deal with something like this. I hope you guys are able to talk about it, though I’m sure that it’s difficult (it has been in all of my relationships). if you want to post more writing, I’d love to read it, or just to hear how you’re doing.
Wednesday, April 18th 2007 @ 10:35 AM
Posted by Jenn:
The dark crawls through me like the insidious whispering of demons.
They claw at what is left and laugh at my screams.
My hands are cold and desperate for the tremors to cease.
The floor grinds against my sandpaper skin.
Thoughts flit through my brain.
No substance and they do not care to linger.
“Why waste time on the dying?,” they say.
People are blind sheep.
They don’t see through the farce.
It’s great. It’s grand. Perfect.
Such lies, putrid lies.
I know the truth.
I can’t be saved from the insanity I create.

Today is not a good day. Why is it that poetry rolls from the brain with ease when darkness is fluid and copious? Sylvia Plath…insanity vs. genius…creativity vs. death. Depression and mania…why is is so hard to grab for life and shun death?
Wednesday, April 18th 2007 @ 4:10 PM
Posted by Mike:
I just want to comment on that Guardian article posted by OhJoy!. Seems like a tricky thing to talk about on Marya’s author page. I feel like I might say something stupid and in general I feel like it may best to leave it alone. Despite a lot of what has happend in Marya’s life being publicly known it still seems a bit intrusive to delve into here. But, despite that sentiment I think I’ll say something about it nonetheless. I have no desire to verify or question anything mentioned in the article. That doesn’t interest me much. I know all too well what it can be like to have something horrible go wrong between two people. Marya made no secret that troubles in her relationship had been part of why she was infrequent or absent from this site. I mean, she obviously doesn’t have any obligation to the place, but when she did post on here in and around the separation and divorce she did talk of how she was feeling in respect to that. She didn’t go into any great detail, but I can’t imagine that being busy with writing and all the other things she does is the only thin that kept her away from this site(I know, I sound like an ass here. She keeps herself busy with that, I know. I’ve seen her description of her daily routine and I’m pretty sure that it would kill me. I just get the feeling that she had her own reason to not deal with this site). This can’t be an easy place to visit after shit hits the fan in her marriage. I’ve never been married, but I know what its like to love someone that much. I know how if feels to lose that kind of love too.
Thursday, April 19th 2007 @ 1:44 AM
Posted by Mike:
I have to be perfectly honest, a big part of what got me interested in Marya more after I read Wasted was coming onto this page and eventually noticing the connection between pertinant dates and an absence of Marya(that and her philosophy background and love of books - and I really like that great article she wrote on Oscar Peterson for the Smithsonian). I really didn’t expect her to come back, but something in me felt sympathy and connection(I realize i may be getting corny now) to lost love messing up your life. I have the luxury of suffering that plight without having a disorder(s). That Marya is still around I think is so rad. Heartbreak is a perfectly good excuse for seclusion in my opinion.

So, one huge paragraph and not really much about the article at all. Maybe thats a good thing? I don’t know what I was really trying to get at by saying any of this, but I wanted to say something about it back when it was originally posted and didn’t. If this is just ramblings please just disregard it. And for Maray, if this just bringing more undo attention to something you’d rather not address, I’m sorry I brought it up again.
Thursday, April 19th 2007 @ 1:45 AM
Posted by Mike:
yeah…..I misspelled Marya there….and you know, I usually make a point of checking that before I click “submit”. I don’t think I’m the only one here who does either. ;P
Thursday, April 19th 2007 @ 1:48 AM
Posted by Polly:
You are being melodramatic but that’s ok.

I don’t mind being busy at work because I love my job.
Friday, April 20th 2007 @ 9:26 PM
Posted by Marya:
GUYS! You rock so much. I love reading all that you have to say, the difficult and the hopeful, good and the bad. It inspires me. I hope you know that.

And it sometimes hurts to read. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the pain people are going through. That’s selfish of me, it really is. But I think that’s why I was absent from the site for so long. I may have just chickened out. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to feel that by writing my own story, I may have given the impression that I hold the key to recovery. I don’t, and all of you know it, and I appreciate that. I hope you can all forgive me for my absence and its causes, and thank you all for welcoming me back.

And, yeah, there was a lot going on, and I really just couldn’t stay on track with the site. But I fear there is some confusion—Jeff and I did NOT get a divorce. We separated for almost a year, and spent the time getting our individual shit together, going to our own therapy, getting better prepared to be in a relationship that, like any other, has some challenges inherent to it. But that’s the nature of marriage, or any relationship at all. Sometimes we find we don’t have all of our personal ducks in a row and aren’t quite up to the task of relating as we should. That’s what Jeff and I found out about ourselves. About halfway through the year, we started “dating” again, and that brought us to where we are now—back in a happy marriage. It’s all good. But thank you all for your concern and understanding about a difficult time.

Next…
Monday, April 23rd 2007 @ 10:01 AM
Posted by Marya:
And as to Finnegan’s Wake: what a weird and wonderful book, if you can really call it a book. The story goes that Joyce’s wife nearly killed him while he was writing it, because he kept waking her up at night cackling while he wrote. As for how to read it, who the hell knows. I think that any approach is a good one, except one that expects it to make a whole lot of sense in the traditional way a book usually does—it ISN’T coherent, it DOESN’T tell a story, it’s about language and playfulness and absurdity and it just wallows in the disorder of thought. It’s also a bitch to read, so hats off, Sarah P.

There’s a ton of good philosophy out there that a person can read, and there’s a pretty broad definition of what qualifies as philosophy in the first place. Is it all about the nature of reality? Or all about the questions of origins and God? Or all about man and mind? Or is it about science versus belief? Or our contemporary life in all its manifestations? My approach to philosophy is entirely haphazard (and I can’t remember who asked, but yes, I was a philosophy major—which makes me only slightly more familiar with a profoundly difficult field than the average Joe). I pretty much read the basics in college (Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Hume, Descartes, Kierkegaard, a lot of others that of course I’m forgetting), and then read the more contemporary straight-up philosophers during grad school (Foucault and his ilk), and now I dabble in the science and cultural philosophers, who are sometimes considered more cultural critics than philosophers. One book I recommend to anyone interested in eating disorders and the role of the body in our lives is “Unbearable Weight,” by philosopher Susan Bordo. Anyway, Mike is a much better source on philosophy than I am.

Listen, for all the people who are struggling now with the eating disordered behavior, or feel trapped in that painful life, I want you to know the truth of it: I struggle sometimes, too. I don’t deal with the m
Monday, April 23rd 2007 @ 10:18 AM
Posted by Marya:
the more behavioral stuff that you guys are wrestling with, but I have questions and challenges that sometimes feel too big for me to handle. It’s hard for anyone to always feel like they’re up to the business of life, harder for some than others and, I think, pretty hard for some of us. We doubt ourselves. We have a lot of fear. That’s why it’s so hard to let go of something we believe is keeping us safe, even when we know it’s killing us. And I have my own battles, some just like yours: I sometimes deal with that feeling of worthlessness and failure; I sometimes feel hopeless, like I will never do it right, whatever it is, or be good enough; I struggle to respect myself, and sometimes don’t; I feel like I’m not handling challenges well, and get angry with myself; I have to fight those old self-destructive urges, whatever form they take; I sometimes feel the kind of darkness we all feel in moments of crisis or periods of isolation, when it seems like the illness will never end, and we will never rejoin the world.

The fact is that life involves a lot of interior challenges. Right now it might seem like you can’t face them without the addiction. And at the same time, it might feel like the addiction itself is destroying you. And that’s what it’s trying to do. It’s so hard, for me too, to believe that we are strong enough to face the world on its own terms. But only believe. I know it’s not easy, not simple, not just a tool you can learn in therapy, I know it’s more than that. But you all have that more in you. I know this, because I found it in myself, and I never believed that I would. Take the chance. Take my promise that you can find your way out, no matter how hard it seems at first. Just take the actions. Start with that. The actions come first. The belief will follow.

Where do we get faith? Faith in others, face in things outside ourselves, faith that things will truly be all right, faith in ourselves? I don’t know. It doesn’t come all at once. But it do
Monday, April 23rd 2007 @ 10:30 AM
Posted by Marya:
I do know that it’s possible to find it. It comes from within and without. We can choose to believe it when others tell us that things will be all right. We can believe in that back-of-the-mind suspicion that we are really strong enough to do whatever it takes. We can believe that our lives are a brilliant array of opportunities and choices, and that we have the right to take part. We can believe that despair is false, something we no longer need to feel. It took me a long time and a lot of effort, but I have that faith. I know that I can face myself and my life and my world and my fears with confidence. Sometimes that confidence slips, and it’s harder to do. But I always reach for it again, and it is always there.

I wish I could say that life is simple, and that when you recover—when, not if—there will never be any difficulty again. That’s not true. But it depends on what you expect from life: if you expect it will be easy, you will be disappointed. If you expect it to be always a nightmare, always terrifying, always hard, you will actually make it that way. But if you believe that, hell, there are challenges, and I can face them, you’ll prove yourself right.

Sometimes I get scared. Sometimes I am nearly overwhelmed by fear. But I never fully am. Nothing is ever as bad as we convince ourselves it will be. Nothing will be perfect, either. There is always an effort to get through things, and sometimes a person gets tired. But there are long periods of peace, if one allows them to come, and during those times there is time to rest. There is no way to control what is coming, not by controlling our bodies or our weight or the food that we eat, there really is no way. That is a fact. We have to accept it. But we also have to know that things will never be so out of control that we can’t handle them. All of us can. Have faith.

Be well,
Marya
Monday, April 23rd 2007 @ 10:39 AM
Posted by Polly:
The hard thing to remember a lot of the time is that difficult things, challenges, hard times, whatever you want to call them happen to everyone. Just not everyone out there feels those things happened to them is a sign of their worthlessness. It is not the things that happen to us that are so abnormal, it is the way we all have developed to deal with them. Sometimes just thinking about this makes things easier to handle. I was surfing some random blogs the other night and I came across an analogy by someone who had clearly come through some tough times - I thought this was a brilliant and insightful way to look at things. She likened the experience occurring in her heart to the lengthening of a bone (sorry this might not mean as much to those without a medical background): first the bone is broken, then the wires and screws are placed and slowly, excruciatingly, painfully turned over time, but in the end the bone is both bigger and stronger than before. I wish I could remember who to give credit to, but it was a random blog late at night. I just found that analogy so meaningful, it is just the way I am feeling about things at the moment.
Monday, April 23rd 2007 @ 4:29 PM
Posted by Jennifer:
Thankyou for that Marya. I’m struggling with that right now. My last relapse of serious anorexia was in 2003. I still have times when I will restrict and obsess about numbers, but it usually doesn’t last more than a week. And the awareness that I’m doing it helps me stop. I’ve also recently decided to completely quite drinking. I’ve known I had a problem for a couple of years now and had stopped in spurts, but I just couldn’t accept that I would never learn to drink moderately. My relationship is also in a state of limbo right now. I was making great strides in therapy, but a few months ago some very old situations were revisited. Situations that I really never emotionally dealt with and instead coped with ED or self-injurious behavior. And in reaction, or avoidance, of those feelings, I started drinking. And whenever I drink enough, my insecurities flare up and I push my boyfriend away. I push quite harshly, I have to admit. And I’m afraid I crossed the boundary one too many times. He and I both have work we need to do individually in order to grow into the people we want to be. He feels that he needs to be by himself in order to do this. Your story of your separation and then reconciliation gives me hope that if this relationship does end now, that we might be able to reconnect at a later date after we’ve worked through our issues. And if not, I know I’ll be okay anyway, because I’ve discovered in the last few weeks that I respect myself quite a bit more than I thought I did. On a few occasions, I chose not to do something self-destructive in order to cope with painful feelings and I just sat with them instead. I know realize that I don’t ever want to hurt myself again, whether by ED behavior, drinking or cutting. Even if this split happens and is permanent, I know I’ll be okay as long as I still have me!
Thursday, April 26th 2007 @ 9:42 AM
Posted by Mike:
Marya, another amazing post. If the trade off is infrequency for quality, well, by all means keep it up.

And for the same reason that everyone here understands that you aren’t an oracle I think that you needn’t ask for forgiveness. Your presence alone and shared wisdom offer everyone here something that they can’t get anywhere else. Namely, ridiculously good writing evidenced quite emphatically by this last post and the one you wrote on March 6. As such I don’t think you need to feel like you’ve chickened out because you found it difficult to read the very detailed and painful experiences of others. I can only imagine how it must feel to read through this site from your perspective. You deserve a lot of credit for the wisdom and insight that you share here with others.

Im delighted to hear that you have arranged the little Marya ducklings accordingly and are back in a happy marriage with Jeff. I’ve already corrected wikipedia’s blurb on you and I will gladly email any other places where I see that misinformation.

And for anyone else reading her post, sure I may be a good source for the world philosophical, but if you look closely at her last post you’ll notice a lot of philosophical wisdom being shared by Marya regarding the ambiguous nature of what philosophy really is. So, by all means continue to direct philosophical questions towards her aswell.

Thursday, April 26th 2007 @ 11:46 AM
Posted by Mike:
Ok, as most are aware the greek origin of the term philosophy means “love of wisdom” or “love of knowledge”. As I read Marya’s last post I see a great deal of wisdom being imparted. The words speak well to everyone in my opinion. “Where do we get faith? Faith in others, face in things outside ourselves, faith that things will truly be all right, faith in ourselves? I don’t know. It doesn’t come all at once. I do know that it’s possible to find it. It comes from within and without. We can choose to believe it when others tell us that things will be all right. We can believe in that back-of-the-mind suspicion that we are really strong enough to do whatever it takes. We can believe that our lives are a brilliant array of opportunities and choices, and that we have the right to take part. We can believe that despair is false, something we no longer need to feel. It took me a long time and a lot of effort, but I have that faith. I know that I can face myself and my life and my world and my fears with confidence. Sometimes that confidence slips, and it’s harder to do. But I always reach for it again, and it is always there.”

That read beautifuly to me and was immediately something I could see as valuable to almost any person. I think that ones ability to imagine and impart any form of wisdom is what it means to think philosophically. It is a method above all else. I think it’s pretty clear that Marya is gifted in regards to this and that her talent for writing really helps communicate the message effectively. I think it’s a real privilage to get to communicate with her and I hope that the things that myself and others post here will help encourage her to stick around even when it’s hard for her to do so.
Friday, April 27th 2007 @ 1:30 AM
Posted by Mike:
Polly, I really liked that analogy. The girl who introduced me to Wasted once told me that the guy she was with before me had told her that “you had to have your heart broken at least once before you really knew what you wanted out of love”. I don’t think that either of us wanted to believe that was true then, but I think I was just fooling myself in order to make it easier to forget about lost love and try again with her.

Thanks for sharing that.
Friday, April 27th 2007 @ 1:42 AM
Posted by Jodie:
Marya, you are so inspirational for offering hope in the midst of your struggle. It’s always helpful to hear that we are not alone, even in those dark moods when we feel that we are. I’m reading your latest novel now! Much love and prayers for all of you.
Monday, April 30th 2007 @ 12:18 PM
Posted by alex:
I had to read an excerpt from Wasted for a class two days ago and have been spun ever since; I don’t know what else to do so I am posting on this. To say the least, I find it unsettling how pungently the work brought back memories and lusts that I have spent years burying and know seem inescapable. Her confessions “I did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. I did not like to be touched because I craved it too much…Even now when people lean down to touch me…I want to cry” and of the “need for reassurance that [she] was still there”(14) have resonated in my head since I read them. History and present seem to point towards a future where those notions become latent facts of life. I am tired of pretending to care. And I might be scared. Sorry, I just had to write that somewhere; Marya, you’re amazing, and your writing brought tears to my eyes for the first time in a long time. Thank you for staying alive, from all of us who try to be as strong and inspire feeling in a generation of apathy.
Wednesday, May 2nd 2007 @ 11:03 PM
Posted by ashley:
thanks for clearing that up marya. im glad things worked out for you and your husband. thats really cool when 2 people who love each other can make things work when things are tough even if it means separating for a while. thats whats going on with me and my boyfriend. a lot. we would be married if i could just get my shit together. we have been on and off and back on again for about 5 years. but he is my soul mate and i know he is the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. anyway marya i took some advice you gave me in an email a long time ago and finally called methodist to schedule an evaluation and i guess take it from there. im really scared not only for myself but in the last 3 weeks my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a bilateral mastectomy. its not looking good. she will be going through chemo for about 6 months. this is the worst time to decide to do some work on myself. my family needs me and i want to be with my mom. i feel like i have to be there or something bad will happen. i have always been the one she leans on and confides in. you guys please pray for me and for my mom. i really want to go through with this and not cancel my appointment and do what they tell me i need to do. but my eating disorder has been my whole world for almost 12 years. thats over half my life and i have so much anxiety and i cant breathe when i think about not being able to do what i normally do to get me through my day. anyway i would appreciate any prayers encouragement advice whatever. i dont have anyone to talk to openly and comfortably about this.
ashley
Wednesday, May 2nd 2007 @ 11:25 PM
Posted by Marya:
Hey guys,

It’s been a beautiful week out here in Minneapolis, and everyone has really needed it. When the sun comes out and it gets warmer, the whole winter seems like it never happened. Blissful amnesia, but summer’s gorgeous, and my lilacs are out. I smell them every day on my way into the house and it just makes me happy. I also have one absurd yellow tulip coming up.

Jennifer, I think it’s great that you’re ready to let go of the drinking. I really have found a twelve-step program incredibly helpful for myself, really life-changing, with that process. I encourage you strongly to check it out. Polly, what a great analogy. It really reminds a person that what they WANT is to be strengthened and to grow, not to keep eating oneself alive in the name of a truly illusory control. It’s all about gathering one’s inherent strength and moving on. And Asley! Way to go with getting an assessment set up with Methodist. On the contrary to what you said about this being the wrong —this is exactly the right time to be making the decision to get better. You need to be able to be fully present in your life to get through this very difficult time. I’m so sorry to hear that your mom has been ill. That’s incredibly tough. But you can absolutely get through it, be with her, and treasure all that she is. To do that, you have to treasure what you are as well. Hang in there, don’t cancel your appointment (I know it’s tempting, but don’t). You will grow by leaps and bounds, just like you will, Nathan, when you begin to learn how to live again. There really is another way. I know you’re so familiar with the way you’ve been living, in destruction and misery, but you’ve got to believe that there’s a far, far better life available to you if only you reach out and grab it. And beginning the process of recovery is doing just that. Your presence on this board is testimony that you want to, and that you’re ready to.

This is all about connection and community.

Next post…
Saturday, May 5th 2007 @ 8:18 AM
Posted by Marya:
I just hate how this board cuts you off. I promise, the new site will be up soon—I’ve been slammed with the new book and the various of life, and as soon as I get a few days off, I swear I’ll get it done.

Community has been on my mind lately. I’ve been noticing that I’ve gotten a little removed from the world. My friend Jamie just emailed me and said “YOU’VE GOT TO GET OUT!” And is that ever the truth. I have a tendency to burrow up here in my office and get comfortable with never seeing anyone but the cats, dogs, and JEff. No good, no good. So I’m reentering the world again. I’ve also noticed that I feel like the world around me is at the edges of my vision, and I’m just staring down and not looking up to see it. I’m tired of each year flying by and feeling like I just completely missed it. No way to live a life! There’s far too much going on out there to just let it pass me by. So I’m on a mission to look up and look around and take a new appreciation for all that the world and my life have in them.

I’m working on breaking the habit of making everything so hard on myself. I tend to obsess, fixate, get worked up, and I’m SO SICK OF IT. It seems so stupid to just make my life harder, more pressured, more stressful, than it needs to be. Life, day to day, is really pretty do-able. No matter what’s going on in it. There’s no reason to get rigid in one’s patterns and habits and just freak out when things don’t go exactly as you planned. I get this idea in my head of how things need to be “perfect,” according to my rigid standards, and I find myself getting worked up over nothing. Teeny things. Unimportant things. Things that would be incredibly easy if I could just loosen up my grip. That old habit of extreme rigidity needs to get rooted out. My new mission is flexibility. I’ve got to bend in the wind. My roots stay firm when I do this, and I don’t get snapped in the middle. Willow, not oak. Maybe this is a thing any of us could think about? Because all of us
Saturday, May 5th 2007 @ 8:30 AM
Posted by Marya:
who’ve struggled with eating disorders know a little something about living a harsh and rigid life. We’ve got to let that kind of living go, make things easier on ourselves, and fully participate in our lives. The world just isn’t that scary. We don’t need to try to protect ourselves from it. It’s time to end that way of life. Life can be enjoyed, rather than rejected. Just open your eyes—I’m trying to open mind—and step back in.

I’m off to Chicago tomorrow for one of Jeff’s conferences—I get to hole up in the hotel room and work on wrapping up these last few chapters of the book. The book! Good God, it’s almost done. I can hardly believe it. I’m both excited and totally freaked out about it. On the one hand, it’s just cool to have written another one, and it’s going to be incredibly nice and a big relief to get the damn thing out of the house. You have no idea how freaking SICK of your own writing, crazy writing process, and the subject itself after two years. On the other hand, I’m used to it! I’ve been staring at it every day for eighteen months, and what’s next?? Actually, a novel. I’m just starting to brew and fiddle around with it, trying to figure how what story I want to tell and how to tell it. I want to really connect with people with this piece, and give people something they can enjoy and that will make them really think. It’s so exciting to think about bringing a new story to life and offering it up. Of course, it’s nerve-wracking, too. But that’s just the way it is. So I’m looking forward to it.

The sun’s hiding today, so I’m off into a windy, cold, and gray world. But all is well. Teresa of Avila (can’t remember when she wrote and lived) said the most important thing ever, and it’s been my mantra for years: “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”

Peace,
Marya
Saturday, May 5th 2007 @ 8:37 AM
Posted by ashley:
thanks for your encouragement marya. i do not have ANYONE that i am comfortable talking openly to about this. i love that i can just log on and share whats going on with me with people who understand and wont judge. anyway i am scared shitless about this appointment so i am just going to keep talking. im just going to apologize ahead of time. i hate not knowing whats going to happen. and im kind of afraid of recovery and being happy and healthy. im so used to feeling like shit and depressed and at least it cant really get any worse. and the handful of times i have been somewhat ok i cant help but wonder how long is it going to last this time. its a lot of work to maintain happiness.its just easier to stay sick and depressed. i feel like im too old to change now and thats absolutely ridiculous. i just remembered that im only 22 not 100. isnt that silly? i have my entire life ahead of me and people have been reminding me of that for years but it just now sank in. and i want to do something and turn it around before it really is too late. so no matter how tempting cancelling that appointment is i am not going to. but i need to keep talking because every time i post something i am reminded of why i want to get better and every time i read your posts i am reassured that recovery is possible. thanks for that.
ashley
Saturday, May 5th 2007 @ 10:15 PM
Posted by Mike:
ashley wrote: “but i need to keep talking because every time i post something i am reminded of why i want to get better and every time i read your posts i am reassured that recovery is possible”

Obviously you’ve come to understand why it is important to you it is that you do not cancell that appointment. Its quite understandable why you are afraid, but I don’t think you need to apologize to anyone for using this board to help keep yourself in check. Helping yourself involves others, but more importantly it involves your “self”. As you’ve said, writing and reading here brings some comfort to you during a time when im sure comfort is a hard thing to find. And you should take note that you are, in fact, talking openly about this. Marya, myself and others are reading what you are saying and I think that I can safely speak for all of them when I say that we are behind you and believe that you should keep talking. Go to the appointment and come back here and talk about it. I can assure you that I’ll read it and Im sure Marya will grace the board again sometime soon and leave another encouraging and inspiring note.
Sunday, May 6th 2007 @ 1:23 AM
Posted by Mike:
I forgot to mention why I quoted what I did. It just rang a bell for me to read that because it speaks so clearly to how much help an individual can gain for themselves when they can talk openly without fear of judgment or anything else. This place is great for that and it makes me happy to see that in action.

Im trying not to pile too much adulation on to Marya here, but she really does deserve it. And so does anyone who decides to speak up and say the things that they haven’t been saying because of fear.

That is all.

Sunday, May 6th 2007 @ 1:29 AM
Posted by ashley:
Thanks Mike. Sometimes I feel like I talk too much. I trail off on these tangents that usually never make any sense. But anyway, I love that I can say whatever is on my mind at any given moment here, and receive feedback, like you said, without the fear of judgement. The one person I opened myself up to (who was my AA sponsor)said, “wow, that’s disgusting. Well, I only deal with alcoholism, I think you need to find someone else” but because I am codependent and was extremely attached to her I swore that I had “stopped”. And I have been silent ever since. The only other person who knows is my boyfriend but it is too painful and difficult to talk to him about it. He doesn’t know what to do and he gets really frustrated. Then there’s my parents who are in complete denial. They used to get phone calls from the school nurse and friends’ parents pretty frequently throughout junior high and high school, but because I am not emaciated, their response was “she looks fine to me” and they believed any explanation I gave them. Then I moved out when I was 17 it has not been brought up since. But i’m pretty sure they know, they are not stupid. Now with my mom being sick, I feel so guilty. I don’t want to burden them, and give them any more to deal with. There is a lot of tension in my family, and my poor dad is a zombie right now. He is scared. I am too. I have a lot of emotions right now that I can’t even identify. I’ve just had a lot to take in in the last month or so. Many things have happened that I have no control over and I hate it. Ok…tangent thing again. I get my mind on one little thought and it’s off to the races. I should just get back to work. I Hope everyone’s having a good day.
Ashley
Monday, May 7th 2007 @ 12:12 PM
Posted by Hogan:
Burrowing inside of our little worlds, cutting everyone out and maintaining the self-created schedule where order can be maintained seems so easy. I have also heard that I need to get out more, relax, get a hobby. Sometimes I wonder how a normal life is supposed to work. I am annoyed with the fact that so many books have happy endings, loose ends tied together into perfect little bows. Thank you Marya for providing a human voice to literature, letting us know that life is a continuous process of growing.
Monday, May 7th 2007 @ 6:18 PM
Posted by Mike:
You’re welcome Ashley.

The thing about tangents is they often appear as if they truely are a sudden digression, but often turn out to simply be the best way that one can express a multitude of ideas and emotions. Whether one can express such a multitude with any coherency is pretty challenging. Terribly so in your situation, but I think that you are showing a hell of a lot strength and caring. Its understandable to feel like you shouldn’t burden your family at a time when things are already difficult for all of you. However, I think the time for you to start recovering your self should not be dependant upon anyone else but yourself and your desire to do so. You seem to be saying just that, so my hope for you would be that you can find a way to show your family that you really need help and that you need it now. Im sure that task is much harder than I can imagine, but I think that you deserve the right to not feel guilty about wanting to deal with something that can kill you. I know the timing sucks, but I think that your motivation is a pretty important element of your recovery.
Tuesday, May 8th 2007 @ 3:30 AM
Posted by Mike:
Hi Hogan.

Tuesday, May 8th 2007 @ 3:31 AM
Posted by Ceara:
Hi Marya, and everybody on here. This blog thing is really cool; it’s nice everyone is so supportive to each other. Well, I know this isn’t really ment for eating disorders…but I have pretty much lost hope and I have nobody to talk to. I do have a lot of family, and a very supportive, understanding (my best friend) boyfriend. But there are some things I am afraid to tell him…anyways. Apparently I have an eating disorder, probably so but who cares. Let’s start from the beginning. My mom married an asshole when I was 3; he’s physically abused me, mentally abused me, and emotionally abused me. I believe he has abused her as well, I have seen it, and she has changed from what relatives have told me. I am now 14, and she is still with him. Last year in June, I ran away to my dad’s house. After my step dad had an episode driving my sister and I to home depot, where I was left to “stew” in the back of the truck, and I ran into staples and called the police. I have not seen my mom since. We talked through msn after 6 months of not seeing her, and then resorted to emails, and then she just stopped replying. During that time, I became severely depressed, even more so then I was before. I have never been a people person; I soon could not look a person in the eye for more then 3 seconds. Look away, and bite my cheek. I stayed in bed all day, BEGGED my parents to let me stay home, they went to work, and I went downstairs and watched TV. Soon, I would get bored and go get a snack. Eventually, this led to major bingeing, mixing sugar and milk, peanut butter and nutella samwiches, bowl after bowl of cereal. High school started, I basically dropped out, and began home schooling. First I would binge maybe once or twice a week, then it went to once every 2 days, then once everyday, then twice everyday, then it turned into bingeing whenever I had the chance. Parents leave to go get gas, their gone 10 minutes: I have eaten all the left overs, 2 bowls of cereal, and a samwhich. I
Tuesday, May 8th 2007 @ 8:08 PM
Posted by Ceara:
would go into my room, and exercise for hours, until I felt empty and cold. I have been bingeing since the end of November. I have gained 4 pounds, but I am worried…I feel huge, and disgusting. I used to be 95 pounds, and I thought I was fat then! I used to starve myself, and I still do now and then. I find it impossible to ignore food…the angry, loud, screaming bitch in my head telling me to EAT now! I have become extremely good at lying…I can cover up anything. Rah, rah, rah nobody cares. I have become a total bitch to my best friend Cassie because she is tiny, and she eats more then I do. Every time she comes over: Ceara I’m hungry. Let’s have noodles and cheese. Well okay, but I am only having a little bit. I put the most on her plate, a dab on mine. She eats it, leaves some left on there. HOW CAN YOU LEAVE SOME? EAT IT. Everything has become a competition…I can’t even go shopping anymore. I am just too ugly…way to fat. There is too much of me…way, way to much. Anyways…I don’t know why I am writing all this…I guess I am asking for some advice? I could really use some…I have a lot more to say but I don’t want to come off as well…crazy.
I am sorry for venting on here…but I don’t really know what else to do.
Thanks,
xoxo - Ceara
Tuesday, May 8th 2007 @ 8:10 PM
Posted by cat:
Marya,

I just wanted to say how great I think it is that you take the time to read and personally respond to your posts on this site. I myself am more of a lurker than a poster, but I find it an incredible source of support. I’m in therapy at the moment, which is being gradually tapered off, so I need all the possible resources I can get to make sure I don’t relapse. And like many people on here, I find it impossible to talk frankly about my problems with my friends and family, so having a site like this is invaluable to me, and to others like me.

I also wanted to say that ‘Wasted’ has contributed greatly to my recovery. I have always read voraciously, and when I was sick I tended to devour anything I could get my hands on relating to eating disorders. ‘Wasted’ was the most beautifully written, the most honest, and the most helpful book I read during this time – and my copy of the book is worn and grubby from so many thumbings! I know just from reading other entries on here that so many people find it a source of great support and information – I hope that the sheer volume of these thank-yous doesn’t detract from their credibility, and that you realise the great impact you have had on so many.

I’ve read your novel also, which I thought was beautiful and elegant and intense…and I’m now eagerly awaiting your next book. Just wanted to stop in and say hi, and thanks…and I’m probably going to start posting on here more regularly now that my therapy sessions are coming to an end, because I’ve worked too hard to risk a relapse.

Hope everything’s good with you – and hi to everyone who posts on here also!

Love, Cat X
Wednesday, May 9th 2007 @ 3:58 AM
Posted by Mandi:
i recently purchased my second copy of wasted (the first one disappeared during one of a thousand moves but was so worn that it was time for a new copy) and saw this address. i really love wasted…read it for the first time in the begining of being sick and constantly return back to it. i can’t wait to read the first book and now the second one. i just wanted to state in words my appreciation and love for your words, Marya.
Thursday, May 17th 2007 @ 10:20 AM
Posted by Carly:
Hi everyone, I don’t post, but I read. It’s SO cool to see Marya posting again. I’ve been reading these forums for over a year now and I guess I should post more. I read “Center of Winter” and couldn’t put it down until it was done, can’t wait for the new book, Marya!
Thursday, May 17th 2007 @ 9:22 PM
Posted by Klara:
Hi Marya. What is your new book going to be about?
Friday, May 18th 2007 @ 9:25 AM
Posted by Carly:
Oh my gosh! I just found a video on youtube that is part of “Wasted” made into a movie short. I don’t know if this has already been posted or known about so i’m sorry if it’s a repeat but here’s the link just incase http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lQzjNhJE3w
Saturday, May 19th 2007 @ 1:09 AM
Posted by Jodie:
My boyfriend always tells me after each of my depressed breakdowns that I am too hard on myself. I always blew him off, telling myself that he just doesn’t know me well enough and that is not accurate enough for what’s going on, but yesterday my dad, who I respect more than anyone else in the world, told me the *exact* same thing after a depressed breakdown! I guess I’ll have to be more aware of what I’m telling myself or believing about myself the next time I get depressed. I definately have learned lately that I can’t keep things bottled up inside, that I have to let go of my Pride and admit to loved ones that I am having trouble and that I need help. Marya, and everyone else reading, you are loved!!
Sunday, May 20th 2007 @ 1:51 PM
Posted by Mike:
Ceara wrote: “Anyways…I don’t know why I am writing all this…I guess I am asking for some advice? I could really use some…I have a lot more to say but I don’t want to come off as well…crazy.
I am sorry for venting on here…but I don’t really know what else to do.”

My advice would be to keep talking. As you can see a lot of people do read this site, they just don’t all speak up necessarily. That you have spoken up is a positive sign in my opinion. And it sounds like venting was something you needed to do pretty badly, so go all out. It seems quite common for many posters here to rue the fact that they can’t say certain things to therapists, friends and family, but are quite capable of speaking succinctly of those things on this board. Maybe start with that and see what happens. You can trust that I’ll read whatever you write and give a response.
Sunday, May 20th 2007 @ 9:36 PM
Posted by Martin:
Hi Marya (if you might read this)and every other fan: I’ve been a supporter of your ideas for years as my little sister has had similar struggles since the late 90’s when she entered high school. As a man who often seems like a gender outsider to this issue (although I’m not so ignorant to ignore that men struggle, too) I’ve appreciated your insight. I’ve never posted here but two big synchronized events (as in synchronicity–not swimming) happened in my life that made me need to write here. First, about a year ago, I met Julian (ex) coincidentally through a very distant friend. I didn’t know he was “the” Julian until I asked him why he had spent time in MN, and then, when I found out, I had to pry a little. He seemed to have real closure, telling me that it was hard the first few years after the relationship ended because he was always worried he might trigger something in every woman (including his new wife) even though the triggers weren’t there–but now he laughs about it. His wife was just as open about discussing it and both really seemed genuinely concerned that Marya would someday have the peace she needed. He was just honest in saying he was too young–both of you– and now as a father of his own baby daughter (cute! I saw photos!) he just appreciates the lessons her learned the hard way. In and of itself, meeting him was really interesting, but nothing to get worked up about, but then I read the article in The Guardian from Marya’s husband’s point of view, which I found amazing (and again, so insightful). And I just wonder if you (marya, if you answer questions like this) or anyone here knows of any full-length works exist by husbands of strong women who have battled eating disorders? I know I would buy a book by Julian OR Jeff in a minute, as it’s something husbands, brothers (and as Julian pointed out) fathers especially need to know. Secondly, I see that therapy worked for you and Jeff. Did you ever have final closure with your ex? Now that I’ve been t
Thursday, May 24th 2007 @ 10:18 PM
Posted by Martin:
Sorry–cut off! Now that I’ve been thinking about men’s roles and responsibilities here, it makes me wish I could step back to that meeting and ask more questions of the man that must have been a blessing and a curse in your darkest hours. Of course, that might have been perceived as “slightly” rude:). I’d love insight into all of this (and my apologies for the the typos–I’ve really become quite poor in my editing skills of late).
Thursday, May 24th 2007 @ 10:28 PM
Posted by Joy:
Hi-
Mike, I’m so impressed with your thoughtfulness. Everyone here seems so supportive. I don’t know how I would make it through without knowing that communities like this exist. I was reading about Marya on her bio website and saw that she is adopting children from Haiti. I hope she writes about her new experiences with motherhood. I don’t know if I will be able to have kids and I just think it’s such a beautiful affirmation of life to bring children from other countries homw to safety. I know Marya would write about it with such grace and beauty. Keep shining everyone!
Friday, May 25th 2007 @ 11:01 AM
Posted by JA:
Hi Everyone–
I’m new to the site and am posting here only to bring to you some new information on a topic that seems to be stemming from here. I just received an e-mail from Martin, whom I do not know nor have ever met. He somehow found me through connections I used to have with Marya and her friends (including her ex). It really disturbed me that he was trying to gain information about Marya’s and her friend’s past from someone he doesn’t know. I would normally ignore this, but it was concerning enough that I sought out this site, which he referred to in his e-mail. What I see here is generally a supportive place for people with ED and fans of Marya herself. I know Marya’s story intimately and the lives of those people she affected in her early years of the disease. She is a brave woman and I appreciate that she does not disparage the people from her past in general, but I did see some disparaging remarks about her ex and his new wife and I want to dispel the myths. Marya and her ex had a very reckless marriage and a difficult divorce which included infidelity within their group of friends–everyone around them was deeply hurt and deeply affected. As far as closure is concerned, there was none to be had in the first few years of the divorce (which is not uncommon and likely both needed to just step away). They kept clear of one another and that was what was best for both of them in my opinion. It is my understanding that when Marya returned to MN where her ex lived, she did try to make a connection, which at first he welcomed, but then decided against, for the sake of his own sanity and peace and for the peace of his new life. While it may have been out of consideration of a new marriage he was trying to grow in, it was NOT his new wife’s decision. I have personally spoken with both of them about this very issue and she has been %100 supportive of whatever J and M need to heal old wounds. It is my understanding that after that initial try at reconciliation 5 or s
Friday, May 25th 2007 @ 1:30 PM
Posted by JA:
or so years ago, neither of them have tried to rekindle the friendship or make any new in-roads. For whatever reason that there was anger or animosity there the year of the divorce, or in the year or two after that, it has been almost 10 years since the initial separation and I resent the fact that Marya or Martin or anyone else should try to blame their problems on people other than those directly involved in the situation. There are certainly more than a few people in Marya’s past that she could apologize to, and now she has added to that people who never even attempted to hurt her. Her ex is a wonderful man, Marya was, when I knew her, equally passionate and that is why their past must be just that–there’s and no one else’s. On a cite seemingly dedicated to therapy and recovery, I feel that everyone should be honest here. If Marya has misconceptions about why she does not speak to more people from her past, maybe she should try calling a few of them again, instead of simply re-stating a notion she developed falsely during a desperate and dark time in her life and those she was connected to at the time. Recovery doesn’t mean try once and then complain it didn’t work.
Friday, May 25th 2007 @ 1:33 PM
Posted by Muriel:
Hey, does anyone know if there are pics of Marya and her family–Jeff and all her pets:) and children (?)–posted anywhere online? It would be so fun to see a new photo:)
Thanks!
Friday, May 25th 2007 @ 5:36 PM
Posted by Mike:
I think it might be valuable to take note of the fact that this is an author website provided by Marya, not some place for airing dirty laundry. It might be slightly more tactful to email her if you think that this line of inquisition is necessary.
Saturday, May 26th 2007 @ 12:51 PM
Posted by Mike:
That last message was in regards to Martin and JA, not Muriel. Just in case it wasnt clear.
Saturday, May 26th 2007 @ 11:38 PM
Posted by Jennifer:
There are a lot of people on this site who admire Marya and her work. As “fans”, we are curious about her personal life. Marya is somewhat of a public person as an author, but that does not give people the right to details of her private life other than what she chooses to share.

I feel it is inappropriate for anyone who posts on this board to comment on Marya’s private life or to pass judgments about her or anyone else who posts on this board. I don’t believe this site should be used to find or engage in gossip or drama.

Fighting an eating disorder or dealing with a loved one who is battling an eating disorder is drama enough, in my opinion.

Marya has graciously opened these boards for public posting.
It’s a wonderful resource that can be used to facilitate discussions about eating disorders and allow those struggling with these issues a platform to express their hopes, fears and successes. It’s my hope that this board be used in a way such that everyone can find support and encouragement to achieve and maintain a healthy body and mind.
Sunday, May 27th 2007 @ 8:04 AM
Posted by Marya:
Well, this got interesting fast.

First I need to address the recurring issue of Julian and my past. Anyone who has opinions or thoughts about how I behaved, who I should apologize to—there are certainly many—or has things they need to get off their chest about me and that period in my life is more than welcome to email me. This blog really is a space that is supposed to be for people who have some connection to eating disorders to talk about the issues, good and bad, in their own lives. I try to be as helpful and supportive as I can. We all know I am not and have never been perfect, and that there have indeed been dark periods in my life, and that I have hurt people, a fact that continues to haunt me. This is all I will say on the issue of Julian: he is a good man, we married too young, we both had our problems, I handled the situation badly for a number of reasons, and I deeply regret it. I did attempt to contact him a few years later; at his respectful request, I have not attempted again. I hold no animosity toward him and have fond memories of our time together. Those things happened a very long time ago, and I believe that both of us have long since moved on. If anyone who knew me then needs to speak to me further about it, I am happy to communicate with them by email.

Back to the now.

Ashley, you kick ass for sticking with your committment to going to that appointment. Don’t be scared. Like I said before, there is no bad time to reclaim your life. Getting healthy is the best thing you can do for yourself, and for all the people in your life as well. You deserve to get out of this hell and live a better life. Keep at it.

Next…
Monday, May 28th 2007 @ 9:47 AM
Posted by Marya:
Ceara, I’m so sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time. Bulimia is a bitch—but so is anorexia, so don’t entertain yourself with notions that things would be better if you could stop eating. They wouldn’t. You’ve got to get out of the eating disorder business altogether, and posting here to talk about what you’re going through is a step in the right direction. The next step is to get yourself some help. There must be an adult in your life that you trust—maybe your dad, maybe a counselor or teacher at school, maybe a friend’s mom or dad—and that you could be honest with about what’s going on. The up side is this: you’re very young, and that means that you are in a good position to recover more easily. Ask anyone who’s gone through it: you want to get this out of your life before it destroys it. You don’t want to look at a future clouded over by obsession, self-abuse, and self-hatred. You have the option to choose a different life. Anyone here is ready to support you in choosing that different life. And you’ll find that there really are people in your own life who will support you as well. Look at this as the beginning of the end. I know all too well the fear and anguish of what you’re going through. The only way out is to get some help, and make the decision that you don’t want to destroy your life. Your body image is seriously distorted—don’t listen to what you’re telling yourself about that. Instead, focus on finding out about your illness and getting ahold of the resources necessary to begin recovery. It IS possible. And you can do it.

Martin, I wish I did know of a book written by a husband, partner, or father of someone with an eating disorder, but I don’t. I know it’s a very difficult position to be in; eating disorders by their very nature are frightening and appear completely incomprehensible to people on the outside. That gets lonely. Loving someone with an eating disorder can be painful, frustrating, and scary. For what it’s worth, I hope you
Monday, May 28th 2007 @ 10:04 AM
Posted by Marya:
will keep posting on this board. Maybe people here can offer you some suggestions, and some hope, as you deal with this issue in your own life. And if there’s anything you want to ask me directly, email me, and I’ll try to offer whatever I can do to help.

Cat, Carly, and Mandi—thank you so much for your kind words about my writing, and I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that something I wrote has been helpful in your recovery. That’s why I wrote Wasted. It’s for all of you.

Karly, the new book is another memoir. More details later. But it’s nearly done—doesn’t come out until April 08, but keep an eye out, and I’ll talk more about it soon.

Jodie: I’ll second the motion. You ARE too hard on yourself. So are a lot of us. It’s just not necessary, and it makes our lives worse, but for some reason we keep doing it anyway. “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”—that’s AA’s definition of insanity. Don’t I know it. I’m on a mission to give myself a break. There’s got to be a balance between taking responsibility for the things we CAN do, and being kind to ourselves for the things we can’t. For myself, I always have to remember that “failure” is a myth. Our best efforts are good enough. When they don’t work all the time, well, that’s life, and that’s fine. When you hit another one of your depressive episodes, try to strike a balance between giving yourself the room to feel less than great, and at the same time doing everything you can to feel better. It’s so easy just to give in to the awful feelings, but try not to. Try to think about things in a different way. A new perspective can change everything. It takes a little work, but it’s worth it. And yeah, lay off yourself!

Murial—photos—I am TRYING to find the time to get this new website put together, and I promise, when I do, there will be all kinds of new photos. Silly-looking dogs and all.

Sorry I was away for a couple of weeks—things got crazy with the bo
Monday, May 28th 2007 @ 10:37 AM
Posted by Saskia:
Hi Marya and everyone else on this board! I’ve been lurking around on this forum for quite some time now and figured that it was about time to make my first post.
Marya, I am totally blown away by the fact that you host a forum like this where people can gather and make an effort to find a way to deal with all the crappy things in their lifes in a healthy way AND talk about books and writing. You seem such a lovely, funny and strong person and, like so many other people all over the world (I myself am from Germany), I can’t thank you enough for writing “Wasted”. It was such a weird feeling reading it as it expresses all the things that have been driving me nuts for so many years but which I could never find the words for. No matter where I go, I always have “Wasted” with me; it opened my eyes in countless ways and is a precious eminder that sanity IS possible. Thanks millions and keep growing strong!:)

I guess I’ll leave it at that for the moment; I just want all you guys here to know that I am very grateful for sharing your thoughts, experience and wisdom with the the rest of the world, it helps a lot to know that I am not alone!:)
Monday, May 28th 2007 @ 1:29 PM
Posted by Polly:
Would anyone like to comment on a role that religion of any sort might have played or be playing in their ED/recovery?
Tuesday, May 29th 2007 @ 6:45 AM
Posted by Mike:
I have a great deal of opinions on this, but I don’t have an ED. What do you think about its role, Polly?…if you don’t mind me asking.

:p
Tuesday, May 29th 2007 @ 9:06 AM
Posted by Martin:
Hello Board—
Let me begin by apologizing for my offensive behavior—especially to Mike, Marya and JA if you’re reading this. I don’t really feel that my first post was wrong, as it does seem that people have asked Marya about personal issues before, but I was wrong in that I did send out a blanket e-mail trying to connect to people from M and J’s past; I realize now I was an insensitive idiot and I just want everyone to know it was only to try to touch on this theme of forgiveness/ closure/ recovery. I realize now it probably just seemed voyeuristic and that was as far from my intention as it could be. The very sad thing is I have offended many people personally (and have received private e-mails from those people). I think in trying to find peace for myself and my relationship with my own sister who is still not willing to reconcile, I thought stupidly that I could somehow find answers in other people’s experiences.
I made a terrible mistake in directing those people I contacted to this site, especially because there *are* some negative personal comments by posters shared on this site and Marya chooses not to delete them nor defend those that are attacked—in this very column concerning Jeff’s article and in the archives, concerning Julian and his wife (I think the *B* word was used). I inadvertently upset people from Marya’s past since they came to this site, saw those negative comments for the first time and retaliated against me for bringing this all up again. So I agree with Mike that we should temper our emotions, but I guess I also have to commend Marya for allowing such digressions to occur, since everyone comes to this site with different needs. I would hope that if Marya wanted to limit our discussion only to “academic” issues, she would delete those negative posts and ask for our compliance (and we would listen, since we know it is her board), so far, she has never done that. I want to believe she allows these posts to remain since m
Tuesday, May 29th 2007 @ 10:03 AM
Posted by Martin:
since many of us find strength through her (and other’s) personal and emotional wisdom—however negative they seem (anger is of course, part of healing–we shouldn’t deny our emotions). And while I do agree with Mike, it is fair to say that someone new to this site (like me or JA) really would have no way of knowing that personal issues aren’t allowed, since the newer threads and the archives are peppered with personal questions and comments which Marya does seem to respond to as honestly as she can (and sometimes, with emotion). I have begun to send personal apologies to those that I sent e-mails to, but wanted to share my regret with you all as well. Thanks personally to Marya for understanding and encouragement.
Tuesday, May 29th 2007 @ 10:06 AM
Posted by Ashley:
Marya, I listened to Wasted on my iPod on my way up to Bemidji this weekend (audiobooks are so fabulous for long trips) and for me it’s comparable to the “Big Book” for the eating disorder community. I’ve read it a few times and each time, I read something new that I don’t remember reading before or something just hits closer to home on that particular day. This time I realized that I am about the same age as you were when you wrote the book and it sounds like your recovery really started. The part in the end, where you said “I am only 23 and I feel old…” (pretty much the whole last chapter, too much to quote) That is how I feel. I will be 23 on friday and I feel 43. The part of me that doesn’t want me to be healthy tells me over and over again, that i am too old to change now, and that I have had this for way too long, what’s the point. Another part of me knows that is bullshit. Once again, Marya, you have given me hope and something to hold on to for the time being. My appointment is still kind of far away and anything helps. Between my crazy work schedule, and them being crazy booked I couldn’t get in until June 20th. I manage this group home, and I had to fire a full time staff and another full time staff went to Africa for a month which means I am pulling a lot of 24 hour shifts. Buried in my office or running clients to dr. appointments during the day, cooking and running them to activities and doing all the other living stuff that I can’t seem to get the hang of for myself but for some reason have no problem doing for the guys in the evening. My boss actually brought in a pull out couch in for me to sleep on when I have to do the overnights When I was hired, they offered me a choice between a house with high functioning clients and a house with high medical needs and behavior problems. Guess which house I chose. I felt bad for these guys because nobody wants to work here, and, stupid me, I want to be the one who makes a difference. I am such an idiot
Tuesday, May 29th 2007 @ 11:59 AM
Posted by Ashley:
I love the job usually, but like today, I got a phone call from Methodist. The lady said that something opened up and I could come in at 11. But I couldn’t sneak away for a couple of hours because this is such a demanding job. I just want to move forward, and if I hadn’t had a client home sick today, it would have worked out perfectly. Anyway, enough about that.
Ceara, Marya is right. Being as young as you are, take advantage of it. I wish so much and kick myself in the ass for not confessing a long time ago, when my parents had the power to make medical decisions for me. My life would be a lot easier today. I have robbed myself of many years of happiness and just living life because I have been too afraid, and stubborn, and whatever to admit that I have a problem, and that I fucked up, and got myself into a mess that I can’t get out of by myself. No matter how hard I try. Believe me, the longer you let it go, the harder it is. Keep posting, and talking. It helps me. Marya always gives great advice. She is an amazing, strong person. Mike gives really good advice too Everyone here is really supportive and encouraging. I use this website, and Wasted, and marya’s advice as a boost of hope when it seems like there is no way out of this disease, or when I feel like I am completely alone. Keep your chin up.
Ashley
Tuesday, May 29th 2007 @ 12:22 PM
Posted by Joy:
Hey everyone (fyi, there’s another Joy that posted here that’s not me….don’t know if it matters, but if anyone’s confused….:P )
Marya- you had said a while back that we could email you to arrange publicity stuff. The email that was listed on your website didn’t work. Is there a better way to contact you?
Friday, June 1st 2007 @ 10:43 PM
Posted by Saskia:
Hey you lovely ones!
I’ve noticed that currently there’s not much traffic on this page so I figured I should do something about that
I hope you guys are all doing fine. As for me, I am trying to be fine or alright at least. Some moments it works just fine and some moments it doesn’t and when I was emailing a friend of mine who’s been doing rather bad the past few days I realized that sometimes I find it hard to be encouraging and to comfort people as I myself tend to retreat into my shell and seek comfort in my pain and desperation when I am feeling sad. In those moments, the music I listen to just can’t be depressing enough, and the poems I read are all about loss and lonelieness and death. Even though it doesn’t cheer me up in any way it kind of comforts me to hear and read how people seem to draw strength from indulging in their pain. I don’t even know why I am telling you this or what kind of reaction I expect to get from you… it’s just that I sometimes feel weird being this way when so many other people around me seem to belong to some extraordinary race of people who are perfectly happy with the way they are, always cheerful and positive, and who all seem to have those magnificent coping mechanisms that I don’t even dare dream of. Am I just exaggerating or is there anyone who sometimes feels this way, too?
Jeez, that was a hell of a post, didn’t intend to write nearly as much as I did…:-(
Sunday, June 3rd 2007 @ 10:46 AM
Posted by Ashley:
I went to my assesment this morning and I am feeling really overwhelmed right now. I wish there was someone I could talk to (actually in person) right now but I can’t bring myself to do it. My family needs to know, there’s no way I can do this without some kind of support and without the people in my life wondering what the hell is going on. I am doing an out patient prgram and I have a dr. appointment pretty much every day until they can work out getting all my appointments done in one day. Thank god I live right next door to methodist so it’s not too inconvenient. It’s finally just hitting me that this is real, and it’s dangerous. Not that that didn’t occur to me before, but I am not that skinny so I didn’t think I really had anything to worry about yet. I look pretty healthy actually on the outside, but on the inside my body is a train wreck. I feel like shit all the time, but it’s just easier to blame that on stress or not enough sleep or anything but what’s really going on. They went over my EKG and my labs with me so there’s no more denying that this is really fucking dangerous. I was very adamant about not doing inpatient so they said that as long as I stay out of the gym and my vitals don’t get any worse we will give out patient a chance. Anyway, I have been sitting in my office all afternoon with nothing to do but think. I have literally been sitting at my desk staring out the window for the last 7 hours unable to focus on the mountain of paper work I need to get done I hope everyone is doing well.
Ashley
Monday, June 4th 2007 @ 5:20 PM
Posted by Mike:
Ashley, I’m really glad to know that you went to the assesment today. I’m gonna guess that a reasonably large part of why you are feeling overwhelmed is that despite you quite clearly understanding how meaningful the support from your family is, you haven’t yet found a way to tell them that. I can understand why that would be such an intimidating task. I hope you can find a way to work it out with them. I’d imagine that having already set yourself up for the out patient therapy would impress upon them your sense of urgency and desire to regain your health. You deserve a lot of credit for being as swamped with work as you are and able get yourself organized with the hospital. Even more impressive is how much your own conscious awareness of what it means to be healthy has increased and knowing how important it is to deal with it right now. Like you said “no more denying that this is really fucking dangerous”. I know none of us here can serve the same role as those close to you at home, but know that you are cared about. You can count me as a friend and that im behind on this all the way.

Tuesday, June 5th 2007 @ 12:05 AM
Posted by Ashley:
Thanks Mike. I know it shouldn’t be difficult to tell my family, but it is. They already know I have an eating disorder. My mom tried to talk to me about it when I was 17 and we got in a huge fight about it, I moved to minneapolis, and didn’t go back or talk to them for about a year. So nobody has brought it up since. 2nd reason is by telling them, I am admitting that they were right, and I am just an asshole for running away. I am admitting, to them, complete powerlessness and that I fucked up and that I need to get help. I really struggle with admitting that I need help. And for the most part, that’s only the case with my parents and I don’t know why that is. Especially my mother. I have always had a really hard time talking to her about anything personal. I am pretty much an open book with most people, but when It comes to my family I just shut down and the wall goes up. I know it doesn’t make any sense. Also, once they have the green light that this topic is open for discussion they won’t shut up about it. Those are just a few of the fears I have around this. Who knows though, these are just the fears in my own head and they could completely prove me wrong.
Tuesday, June 5th 2007 @ 9:53 AM
Posted by Mike:
Just because they were right to try and talk to you about your eating disorder doesn’t mean that you are an asshole for running away. Life has unexpected turns and regardless of what has happend up until this point in your life you ARE admitting right now that you need help. You’ve professional help for yourself and you’ve expressed rather clearly on this board your very sensible reasons for trying to regain your health. Recognizing that what matters above everything else is your own genuine desire to achieve a better, healthier life for yourself. With that firmly in mind I think that you can show your parents why this is immediately important with a well earned sense of confidence. I know that must sound insane considering what you’ve already explained about your relationship with your parents, but I think that the freedom with which you write here should be carefully examined and respected. If a bit of that proactive and confident attitude can wear off on your active conscious state while with your family I’d bet that you could have them understand and even help. I have faith that since you can admit right now that you need help that any fears you have associated with how your family will treat you should not give you reason to believe that without them you cannot do this. You deserve their help and understanding, but above that you deserve better health. Body and mind.
Wednesday, June 6th 2007 @ 1:47 AM
Posted by Jessica:
Ashley,
I think that you are incredibly brave. Some of us resist treatment at any cost, no matter what shape our bodies are in, and I think the fact that you even had the guts to make the appointment shows that you really might be strong enough to survive this. I hope that you are doing well, and I sincerely hope that you can find someone to talk to. Sometimes that can make all of the difference in the world. Please keep us informed about how you’re doing, and try to make the most out of the doctors advice. They really are trying to help. Parents can be difficult. The best advice I can offer you is to talk to your doctors about how best to handle it. For better or worse, they’re probably going to become part of your treatment plan eventually. It’s probably better to get the confessions out of the way before then. I think Mike is right - this doesn’t have to be an admission of defeat. You can turn it into a positive experience, and one that might save your life. You never know. Stay well, and KEEP TALKING. I think you’re doing great.
Wednesday, June 6th 2007 @ 12:03 PM
Posted by Ashley:
Mike,
It’s so much easier to speak freely here, on this board, where no one can really hold me accountable for the things I say. I could back out of treatment at any moment and that is what gets me through the day sometimes. I hold on to that because it evaporates that anxiety I get when I think about having to step outside of my comfort zone of obsessions and compulsions and habits and rituals. It’s fucking scary. To be honest I had cancelled my assessment once but called back and rescheduled. I probably would have cancelled that one as well, but they called me late last Friday afternoon and said there was a cancellation for Monday morning and I could come in then instead. I agreed and then it was too late to cancel because they are closed on weekends, and you have to give 24 hour notice or they bill you. God doing for me what I could not do for myself I guess.
Thursday, June 7th 2007 @ 7:17 AM
Posted by Ashley:
(continued)
I don’t know, I go back and forth so much on this. Some days I am ok with the thought of recovery, it doesn’t scare me so much and I can be somewhat optimistic. Today I am soooo glass half empty.
Jessica,thanks for your support and advice too it means a lot. Take care everyone.
Thursday, June 7th 2007 @ 7:49 AM
Posted by Mike:
I find it so facinating how accurately so many people with eating disorders can speak to the conflicting nature of their various psychological states. Often able to single out a variety of behaviours, moods, triggers, desires and many other things that go into why they are the way they are. A fact that seems difficult to allign with the reality of so many sustaining their illness, in one form or another, for a very long time. So many of you are so intimately aware of your own conscious states, but beleaguered constantly or at least periodically by the compulsive and destructive element of the disorder. A fact that seems to fool some into thinking that they will ALWAYS have to deal with the disorder, at least in the way that they have grown accustomed to. It seems like many strong voices speaking to the realities of their own eating disorder experience are showing a geat deal of humility by speaking without discretion about leading a “recovered” life that wasn’t exactly what most would consider to be recovery. The book Marya suggested a while back “Gaining” by Aimee Liu is great for that. I only just got started reading it, but its already made a considerable impact on how I percieve the words, expression and behaviour of those afflicted.
Friday, June 8th 2007 @ 12:23 AM
Posted by Mike:
Im glad that you are able to mention that you cancelled your assessment. That is by no means lauding praise on you for being able to, but I think its something very much worth examining.

You know that their is a very strong part of you that truely wants to find a better way to exist, whatever form that may take. That part wants as little to do with the part of you that is afraid of life without the ritualistic disorder and self destruction. Between now and whever you find a life more complete I think its quite likely that you’ll have to battle again with what you’ve quite accurately explained above. That seems like a terribly common reality for many. I just hope that, with whatever help you can get, you can find a way to regain the sense of self that is so obvious in some of the things you write. I think that this assessment is definitely a positive way to start and I think that finding a way to help your parents understand what has and is happening to you because of your disorder is something I truely hope you can achieve.

You are going to have shitty days sometimes. I hope you can keep showing the kind of mental fortitude that it takes to show up here and talk with humility and honesty about these kind of things.
Friday, June 8th 2007 @ 12:40 AM
Posted by Ashley:
Life in the state of denial is so much easier. Once you have acknowledged and are aware of the fact that you have a problem and that what you are doing is not normal and it is hurting the people who love you, you feel intense guilt because you are aware and it isn’t enough to make you stop. You feel like such a horrible, weak, disgusting person. And you just keep getting worse. Every time you hit a new bottom you think “that really wasn’t that bad” and you take it as it comes, and your bottom keeps getting lower and lower and you just keep getting sicker and sicker and you don’t care because you become so used to feeling like shit that it feels normal to you. I really do want to be happy and healthy and normal and do normal people things and finally live. And it’s such a small part of me that wants that, but i’m trying really hard to just go with it and work with it. I am starting to feel like a fucking pie chart. 4% of me wants this, 6% of me wants that, 90% of me feels this way…
(I feel like this thing is going to cut me off soon so next…)
Friday, June 8th 2007 @ 8:16 AM
Posted by Ashley:
Ok, so it felt like I typed a lot more than I actually did Anyway, my roommate moved in yesterday and she is this girl I used to be really close friends with until she busted me throwing up at her 14th birthday party and she called me out on it and we just kind of drifted apart after that, but still kept in touch. She moved here to finish medical school and I am really excited to have her back in my life, but at the same time I am so incredibly jealous of her. We were in figure skating and piano together and we used to do a lot of other things together but she has always been just a little bit better than me at everything and it drives me crazy. Everything she said she was going to do, she did. She is perfect without even trying. She graduated high school, went to the college she said she has always wanted to go to, challenged the university and got into medical school a year early, is my age and almost done. I am so happy for her and proud of her, but at the same time it makes me feel like a complete failure. I barely graduated high school just because I didn’t feel like going and I have absolutely no ability to focus on anything long enough to get anywhere in college. I want to do so many things, I can’t pick just one. She always knows what she wants, goes for it, works really hard and gets it and I am jealous. Is that wrong?
Friday, June 8th 2007 @ 9:25 AM
Posted by Megan:
To Ashley- it’s absolutely not wrong that you feel jealousy towards the accomplishments of your friend. However, it does not mean that your achievments are worth nothing, and you are definitely not a failure- although I can understand how part of you might think that. I wonder, if you are still struggling with an ED, if living with this individual is the best choice right now. I don’t know the specifics of the situation, but for many, it feels near impossible to overcome symptoms- or even attempt to- when they are surrounded by people who aggrivate thier self-disgust (just as the ED does). Also, keep in mind that an ED affects almost every aspect of your “self” and thus holds you back from accomplishing things you are absolutely capable of. I don’t mean to lecture.. I just know the feeling of being surrounded by such a negative energy while grappling with an ED….
Saturday, June 9th 2007 @ 10:00 AM
Posted by Mike:
Thanks for speaking up, Megan. Its always good to gain anothers perspective on things and it sounds like yours comes from some experience. Would you want to elaborate on how it was for you when you went through something similar. Im assuming that you’ve been through something like this since you finished your sentence with an ellipsis. Im sure it will be helpful to hear. That is, if you are comfortable with talking about it.
Saturday, June 9th 2007 @ 11:06 AM
Posted by Mike:
Polly wrote: “Would anyone like to comment on a role that religion of any sort might have played or be playing in their ED/recovery?”

No one has commented on this yet. I don’t feel like Im the right one to address this one, so I hope some of you can. I actually think that Polly has hit upon something rather important with this. I still hope that Polly can at least mention something. I can’t imagine that she brought this up without having something to say about it. So, someone say something.
Sunday, June 10th 2007 @ 12:32 AM
Posted by Liz:
So glad to have found your site, Marya (after having kept Wasted near and freakishly dear to my heart in quasi-religious ardor all these years!)I am *finally* looking at going into residential treatment- and making a true attempt at recovery- after 9 long yrs of anorexia. It would mean the world to me if you could provide even the smallest morsel of advice. I’m a bundle of nerves :-/
Much love,
Liz
Tuesday, June 12th 2007 @ 1:14 AM
Posted by Ashley:
Liz-Good for you! I am in the same boat as you. I just started an outpatient program this week and I was so nervous before the assessment. It took me months to actually schedule it and go through with it. Just know that you are very brave and you are not alone. Good luck.
Tuesday, June 12th 2007 @ 4:24 PM
Posted by Joy:
As far as what role religion played in my eating disorder/recovery…..

I think that for me, my faith played a huge role in my recovery. And no, I’m not going to get all bible-thumping, speaking-in-tongues, fundamentalist on you, but the gist of it is this: I just have always felt that through all the times in my life, something kept pushing me along and something kept saving me just in the nick of time, even when the people in the world had turned their back. I’ve always been told that I have alot of talents, that I’m intelligent, and that I’m capable of doing so much with my life. When I reached the point where I was sick as hell and living in a crack house and drinking all day and running all night, I just felt like maybe I didn’t have the RIGHT to just NOT USE all the talents I had been given. Because….if I didn’t use my unique talents– the parts of me that make me ME, then why was I here? Why take up space?
I dunno. I always felt like everybody has different characteristics because they all fill a different spot in the proverbial tapestry of society. I guess I just felt like god gave me what he gave me, and if I didn’t use it, I was basically saying a big ‘fuck you’ to all the gifts I’d been given.
Thursday, June 14th 2007 @ 9:19 PM
Posted by Mike:
Ok, I’ll start with Marya. I’ve tried to email you twice since January and each time I get a message back saying that the message failed because and could not be delivered. Not sure why that is, but nonetheless my emails havent gotten through. I was mostly just mentioning a few websites like this one: http://www.invisionboard.com/

Its a pretty standard format for web forums and one that would certainly provide more for the sites visitors than what we are working with at present. Anyway, its cheap and easy and pretty much runs itself apart from moderation which is typically user run. And like i’ve mentioned before, I and im sure some others on here can help make the site for you and help run it. I hope the help is welcome.

Also, there was something I wanted to mention regarding some stuff I found written on a site regarding you and some stuff from back in November. I don’t think its really something I want to bring up on the board, hence why I tried to email you first. Anyway, my email is linked on this post so please get back in touch with me. Im pretty sure you’ll want to know about this.
Monday, June 18th 2007 @ 1:16 AM
Posted by Mike:
Ashley, sorry I haven’t replied to you in a while. Sometimes all this stuff overwhelms me because it reminds of stuff that I should really try and forget about. About people I’ve loved and the how’s and why’s that I still have about them. Its really hard for me to read through this stuff and not say something, to not try and help. Its also really hard for me to not feel like anything and everything that Im doing here is really for nothing. And I don’t mean that in a self defeating sense. I just mean that sometimes it feels like all this understanding that I tried to gain by talking here hasn’t brought me any closer to feeling better about losing people that I loved. Anyway, despite that I think you deserve a friend and I hope I can continue to have that with you.

So, fill me in on what has been happening with you and don’t hold back. I don’t care if you’ve skipped all your treatment or if you haven’t said a word to your parents, I want to know how you are doing. As for the feelings you have about your friend, I don’t really know how to approach that. I do know that the girl I knew with ED had a huge problem with this other girl she had gone to school with who sounds just like your friend. I don’t know how you should go about working on changing how her reality affects yours. I think it might help if you remember that being “successful” doesn’t always mean that one has found happiness. In fact, I’ve met more people who “have their shit together” who are so completely unfulfilled and unhappy than I have those who are modest, humble and content. Im a rock climber. If I can get the chance to go climb freequently enough I am so totally indifferent to so many things that its ridiculous. I find happiness in that simplicity. I find myself when Im without a rope and my life is literally in my hands and my feet. Those things make me who I am and what others achieve is entirely independant from that. I hope that you can find something that allows you to quell your thoughts
Monday, June 18th 2007 @ 1:37 AM
Posted by Mike:
…of jealousy, because despite there being nothing wrong with being impressed by someone elses accomplishments I dont think it does you any good to let them become something you obsess about. Any way, please write back.
Monday, June 18th 2007 @ 1:37 AM
Posted by Mike:
Jessica, Im going to write you back an email tonight or tomorrow, but in the mean time I hope you find this. I get it. This disorder is fucked. I SOOOO get this now its not even funny. And as such I get what you are saying to me. But I also get what you have said to me before. I also get the appreciation and motivation that you have had about talking about this stuff. That seems to have left you, but I realize that patience really is a virtue - especially when someone is in the throws of an eating disorder. I am here to talk when you want to. I know that part of you wants to and I know that another part of you wants to ignore it all and just let it win. It breaks my fucking heart to know that most if not all of those with this disorder still struggle. That recovery isn’t the perfection that got them into this mess to begin with. Its fucked and I wish that modern medicine would provide something more potent and effective, but it hasn’t. In the mean time just talk. About whatever. The good. The bad. The really fucking bad. I dont care. Just talk. One day this board will actually be more functional and I hope that you are still around to share what you can. If anything I hope that this is a place where you can always feel welcome.
Monday, June 18th 2007 @ 1:46 AM
Posted by ashley:
hi mike. actually i havent missed or cancelled any of my appointments. however i am only a couple of weeks into it and obviously haven’t had to do any real work yet. i have only seen the medical doctor so far. tomorrow i will see the doctor, the dietician, and the psychiatrist. i am not having a very good week. things have slowed down at work and i am completely burned out and have a lot of time to sit and think and get myself really worked up. and as far as teling my parents i havent said a word yet but i did tell a friend. she knows absolutely nothing about eating disorders and asks a lot of questions and keeps suggesting i go to church with her for a “healing” ceremony thing. she’s a little wacky but very supportive and a pretty good listener. i bought her a copy of wasted and gave her the literature i got from methodist. i am going to visit my parents next weekend so i am going to try and tell them then…but we will see. and as for my friend, i feel that way about pretty much anyone who has their shit together. its just harder when i know i had the same opportunities as her but i made different choices. and i feel worse about having those feelings because she is my friend. last week the doctor said she thinks i should tell her what i am doing because she is a doctor and should understand more than anyone. thats the problem. i cant bullshit her. she is too smart, she knows me too well, and will not hold back on calling me out on my bullshit. even though we drifted apart for a couple of years she is like family. she stayed really close with my mom i just found out which kind of bothers me for some reason. then again everything bothers me lately. mike, dont feel like you have to respond to everything i say. its very much appreciated but half of the things i say don’t make very much sense. i think its great that you are so willing offer your opinion and to offer helpful advice when you can though.
Monday, June 18th 2007 @ 10:57 AM
Posted by Marya:
Hello all! Finally I’ve gotten my butt back here. I’ve had a weird ad wild couple of weeks—went to Las Vegas for a bit, truly a strange place, but great people watching and material-gathering. Things with the book are speeding up, and it’s so close to finished it is beginning to seem real, for all the good and bad that brings up in me—excitement, fear of failure, all the usual shit—one of those times when I wish I could just trade brains with someone else so I could get some bloody PEACE. But enough out of me.

Guys, I just started a fantastic book—Jonothan Safan Foer’s “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.” He’s an absolutely amazing writer. This one is important, too, about a child dealing with the aftermath of 9/11. Read it.

Starting to stew around in my head about the new book, which will be a novel. Can’t talk about it yet—it’s still just a bundle of potential characters and plot lines as yet. Of course, like any writer, I’m convinced I’ll never write again, but that hasn’t happened yet. So onward…

Ashley, congratulations on absolutely kicking ass. And everybody else, I really think you’ve been wonderful support to each other. Thank you for that.

So I’ve finally figured out that the email on this site isn’t working. Email me at: maryahb4@aol.com. Joy, I’d love to hear from you, and I know a couple of others here have tried to email me and gotten their stuff bounced back. SO sorry about that! So use the new address.
Tuesday, June 19th 2007 @ 5:46 AM
Posted by Marya:
I’ve been thinking about the talk about the role of religion in recovery. To me, I have more a sense of spirituality, less one of religion. And I’ve gone through a lot of different stages in my awareness of my own spirituality. I have my own thoughts about the existance of a personal God, but I have definitely experienced periods of a sense of something larger than myself, and I think that sense may be important to recovery. At least it has been to my own. A very smart guy I’ve talked to about this said that what’s helped him is to give up the search for a specific “understanding” of a God and to accept his own inability to fully conceptualize that. Instead, he lets himself forgo that understanding in favor of a simple awareness that something is out there, and that that something is for the good. That enables him, and has come to enable me, to believe that the something has our best interests in minds, and wants more than anything for us to respect ourselves, be good to ourselves, and in that way become better people, more fully involved in the world, more present in our daily lives. I am aware of wanting those things for myself, and for the people around me, and so I ask myself always if I am living in a way that is truly in line with what I believe about the search for something that is essentialy good. I want to develop into the best, most compassionate, most fully alive person that I am able to be. So I try to let that belief guide me in my choices and through the simple actions of my day.

For me, the essential thing is finding peace within myself. That makes me want to discover a faith in the peaceful nature of the spirit when it is at its most developed and aware. I want to be able to live in my own skin, accept my own failings and believe in my own promise, be good to the people around me, and try, in my day-to-day, to participate in making the world a better place, no matter how small my attempts to do that are. Peace. Peace. That’s what I want for myse
Tuesday, June 19th 2007 @ 5:57 AM
Posted by Marya:
myself and the people around me. That’s what I want for the world. For me, at least, that requires an attempt to find peace in myself, and that in turn requires a sense, no matter how small and confused, of spirit. But that’s just me. I think everyone has their own definition of the good life. But I do believe that recovery is made easier by the concept that something larger than oneself wants us to live a more complete, fuller, more peaceful life. I know that the spirit, as I understand it, resists being trapped and abused by addiction and self-destruction. Whatever may be out there, if anything, it doesn’t want this kind of life for us. I do believe it wants peace and freedom in each of our lives, and a sense of those things secure in ourselves.

Those are my thoughts for the day, all…it’s off to the really exciting part of the book, the appendix…yucko. So it goes.

Be well.
M
Tuesday, June 19th 2007 @ 6:01 AM
Posted by Ashley:
I wish I had that inner peace you have right now Marya. I am so pissed off right now. I saw the doctor again this morning, and they are recommending inpatient. They haven’t even given me a fair chance. It’s only been a couple of weeks and I haven’t even seen the whole team yet. They can’t expect significant improvement in that short amount of time. That’s bullshit. They won’t continue outpatient if inpatient is what they recommend. I don’t have a choice in my treatment. It’s not fair. I have to go back in later this afternoon. She said they’re going to “see what they can do” but to pack a bag “just in case”. What the hell am I going to tell my boss. I haven’t been at this job long enough to take a lot of time off. If I lose this job, I lose my insurance. I am fucked either way.
Tuesday, June 19th 2007 @ 6:58 AM
Posted by Polly:
Read The Compassionate Life by the Dalai Lama. It changed mine.
Tuesday, June 19th 2007 @ 4:05 PM
Posted by OhJoy:
“A very smart guy I’ve talked to about this said that what’s helped him is to give up the search for a specific “understanding” of a God and to accept his own inability to fully conceptualize that”

I dunno. That seems like it could be an excuse to never really try to know God. After all, if God is unknowable, there’s no need to do the kind of really difficult spiritual changes that many religions ask you to do. Anyway, I believe in religion as a path to spiritual, mental, and even physical health, and I think that comes from a very concrete search into who God is and our personal relationship with him.
Tuesday, June 19th 2007 @ 8:20 PM
Posted by Joy:
OhJoy- I get what you’re saying. I DO think there’s a difference between thinking that God is so amazing that he is unfathomable and incomprehensible, based on our primitive human brains and limited experience, and believing that ‘God is too big, so I don’t care’.
Does that make sense? Kinda?
I think what Marya is saying is that God is SO amazing that we can’t even understand exactly HOW he is amazing, or how he manages to do what he does. And instead of trying to understand why he does what he does, we can just accept that maybe we’re not meant to know, and we should just trust in him and allow him to lead.
Kinda?
Tuesday, June 19th 2007 @ 8:49 PM
Posted by Joy:
Couple random comments:
Ashley- You’re welcome to join our support groups at The Joy Project!! Seriously, the ladies there are AMAZINGLY supportive, and there is no pressure. Check out www.joyproject.org for more info if you haven’t already.

On another note- has anyone else who has recovered from their ED experienced a kind of pressure to be ‘perfect’ if you have claimed that you have ‘recovered’?
I guess what makes me think of it is, for example, Marya: People have come here feeling the need to say ‘Just so you know, Marya’s not perfect……’, etc.
The thing is, though, she never said she was!!
Since I have started my non-profit, I’ve had some similar comments thrown my way. It’s like, if I say I’m ‘recovered’, people think ‘oh, she must think she’s GOD’. So they try their hardest to discredit me in any way imaginable. It sucks. It hurts- alot. I’m NOT perfect. I never claimed to be. Marya never claimed to be. In fact, I think we’ve both said, at one time or another, that we’re very much flawed and just looking to be ‘alright’.
Meh, I don’t even know where I’m going with this, other than just being annoyed at a double-standard I wasn’t expecting to encounter…..
Tuesday, June 19th 2007 @ 8:54 PM
Posted by luke middlege:
you are a googlewhack!!!:)
Monday, June 25th 2007 @ 5:41 AM
Posted by Jessica:
Has anyone ever read a novel called Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff? I remember someone asking if we knew of any books out there that focus on the family of eating disordered people. Though the book I’m referring to is fiction, the protagonist is the sister of an anoretic, and I think that the author does a decent job at doing justice both to the frustrations of concerned family members, but also to the struggles of someone going through treatment. Anyway, it’s worth reading if anyone was still looking for that particular perspective on things. I hope every one is doing well and staying healthy.
Monday, July 2nd 2007 @ 10:05 AM
Posted by Ashley:
Wow, board’s dead these days. I hope everyone’s having a good 4th. I am stuck at work because I had to take yesterday off for pretty much an entire day of dr. appointments. This is getting really hard to juggle work and outpatient. They just bumped me up to intensive outpatient which I started yesterday and it will be on the same days as my regular appointments. Which means I have to pack all 40 hours in at work in 3 days and make sure everything gets done. It’s like having 2 full time jobs. I could very well end up inpatient by next week though and then I won’t have a job. Part of me doesn’t even care anymore though. I’m tired and exhausted and I feel like i’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown. They have been trying to get me to agree to inpatient for the last couple of weeks but I just can’t do it. Yesterday my doctor said it’s only a matter of time before I don’t have a choice. I have dropped a significant amount of weight since I started a month ago and every week my vitals and lab results have gotten worse. But not bad enough for them to admit me and I keep thinking I can do this on my own. Every day I say to myself “ok, I’ll start following the meal plan tomorrow. I’m just having a bad day today.” and it never happens. As scared as I am about having to go IP I am starting to realize that they are probably right and I was an idiot to think I could do this on my own. Which means I have to tell my parents. I tried to last weekend but I came up with every excuse not to. As usual. They are so worried and I feel so bad, I hate it when they worry about me. My dad is kind of an asshole when he’s worried so he’s been kind of a dick to me all week and I want to tell them but I can’t. I can’t get the words out. That’s where i’m at.

I hope everyone else is doing ok. Jessica, I read the book which was pretty good and there was also a movie based on that book on lifetime. The book was better. Books are always better.
Wednesday, July 4th 2007 @ 12:11 PM
Posted by chia:
Joy,I’ve never stopped my searching for being perfect. It requires a lot of efforts. Sometimes it’s painful, because perfection doesn’t exist and you’re fighting in order to reach something that is a mere illusion. In the past, I’ve fighted a lot for my dreams, but dreams are dangerous sometimes, because there is always the risk that you’re fighting for something meaningless.
For example, I think that using all my energy in order to be as much thin as possible is an useless and meaningless challenge. It’s “only” a letal obsession, it doesn’t make life worth, or it doesn’t give you something more.
There are plenty of things that are unreachable. Justice and equality for all individuals, for example, are unreachable, but these principles design a way along which you should walk.
EDs don’t share any kind of way, because of them you’re destiny is being lost.
Have you ever read what Kant says about morality? It is very interesting.
Sunday, July 8th 2007 @ 9:52 AM
Posted by Marya:
Hey everybody—

It’s quiet! If you guys know the emails of everybody on here, why not shoot them a line to let them know we’re still here. It always helps to hear a friendly voice.

Ashley, I know it sucks. It really does. But I can’t say this strongly enough: you do need the help they’re offering. If you really work hard at hearing them, and taking your own steps toward health, it can change your life. You can do it. But no, you can’t do it alone. You want to live differently, and you can. This is an important first step. Take it.

Ah, perfection…you know, I’m not even sure I think it’s a good idea anymore. I don’t mean to say that we should give up reaching for the most health and the best life we can possibly have. But while we need to keep recovering, every day, we probably all need to let ourselves be human in regards to the rest of our lives. I screw up all the time. I do my best; but the best we can do ISN’T perfection. That’s not possible, and who would we be if we were perfect? What makes us all interesting is how human we are. It’s our little quirk and strangenesses. And sometimes those are the very things that we see as imperfect. Think about beauty: we don’t think beauty is identical, “perfect,” we don’t think it all looks the same, measures up to the exact same standard. It’s actually the things that are different that make a beautiful thing what it is. As for me, I’ve realized that my crazy perception of “perfect” has nothing to do with reality. I keep trying to be “as good as everybody else,” and I think in order to do that, I have to be perfect. But everybody else isn’t perfect, either. We’re all weird. Sometimes what we see as “flaws” are just simple things about us that really don’t matter at all. Who’s counting, anyway? Who are we trying to be perfect FOR? If it’s us, then the truth is that it’s our perception that has to change, not ourselves. We’re mostly fine as we are. There’s always something to strive for; all of us want to be bett
Monday, July 9th 2007 @ 10:47 AM
Posted by Marya:
…better people, and that’s important too. But we don’t need to be perfect people. They don’t exist. The fact is, all the time we waste hating ourselves, berating ourselves, obsessing about all the ways we aren’t perfect, is time that could be spent living more fully, being kinder, truly enjoying life, and ourselves, as they are. We’ve got to let ourselves off the hook a little. There’s no need to blow your time trying to be perfect. One of the things I think it takes to be a truly better person is compassion. We need to be compassionate towards ourselves, or we won’t be able to offer that compassion, kindness, love, to anyone else. It’s one of those weird ways where we keep doing something to be “better” that actually makes us worse. If we spend all this time trying to be perfect, we’re actually just focusing on ourselves. We all need to be able to BE with ourselves, not just torture ourselves, and thereby lose sight of the people and things around ourselves. We need to get comfortable in our own skins. And in order to do that, we have to see the false promise of perfection for what it is—a waste of time, a fantasy, something that has no inherent value. We need to spend our time finding peace of mind. In order to find that, we need to let ourselves be.

Yeah, I know it’s easier said than done. But I’m pretty sure it’s possible. Worth a try.

Hope everyone had a nice 4th—I was up at the lake with my family, playing scrabble and lying around in the sun. I could use a few more days of that—the book is only a few weeks from done, and when I send it off for good, I’m going to take a long, long nap, and read about four million books BESIDES MY OWN. Some days I wish I was an accountant. But God, I’d be incredibly bad at it. So I guess I’m stuck with writing. So it goes.

Peace,
M
Monday, July 9th 2007 @ 10:55 AM
Posted by cat:
Perfection…it’s one of those things that we all want - some of us more desperately, more literally than others. And it’s so easy to tell other people that they don’t have to be perfect (and mean it)…but so much harder to apply that leniency to your self. But, Marya, like you said - it’s both possible and worth trying for.

Also…eek! The new book! Yeah…I’m like, mildly excited. Or something.
Monday, July 9th 2007 @ 11:37 AM
Posted by Nikki:
I just want to say… I’m feeling GREAT today! Without sounding boastful! After struggling for so long, it’s nice to have a great day and it’s nice to talk about it!! Energetic and all smiles!! I hope this day lasts… for a long while.
Tuesday, July 10th 2007 @ 12:35 PM
Posted by Ashley:
Marya-I know I do. Which is why I agreed to do inpatient this morning after I saw the team. I am slowly realizing that I am not different from everyone else, I am not stronger than everyone else, and no, I can not “handle” this on my own. That is just what I do though. I have to try to do it my way a few times before i’ll give in to someone elses advice. (definition of insanity?) And, like always, everything completely blew up in my face. Anyway, I am going in sometime this week and now I have to figure out how to tell my job (which shouldn’t matter how I do it because i’m gonna lose it anyway) my parents (which also shouldn’t matter how I do it because they will be my parents unconditionally) and my roommates (which will just suck). I am really struggling with this because the 2 people I have told were: a former sponsor (who’s reaction completely humiliated me) and my boyfriend who dumped me last week and it was really ugly. He yelled a lot, said a lot of hurtful things including but not limited to “fuck you, I am not going through this with you, you can go fucking die on someone else’s watch, I am moving on with my life.” Fair enough. But still… ouch. What’s even more fucked up though is that I don’t even really care all that much. I have been with this person for a long time and loved this person for a long time, but I am just so exhausted and confused that I don’t really care about a whole hell of a lot anymore. I actually went into methodist this morning for my appointments intending to pretty much say thanks but no thanks, I’m not ready and I ended up leaving with arrangements made for inpatient… Anyway, now I am just trying to tie up some loose ends and I don’t even want to deal with it.
Tuesday, July 10th 2007 @ 4:08 PM
Posted by Polly:
Has anyone read the book “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg?
Tuesday, July 10th 2007 @ 4:46 PM
Posted by ashley:
this is the last freak out post…i hope. methodist called this afternoon and im going in tomorrow morning. i pretty much had no choice but to pull up my big girl pants and tell my boss and my parents. it actually went really well with my boss. he assured me i would still have a job when i was ready to come back to work. i didnt even have to explain why i needed to take a leave. although he figured it out when the doctor faxed the doctors note to the office with a cover sheet that said Eating Disorders Institute across the top…then i had to call my parents. they got really emotional and that makes me feel really uncomfortable. my mother is a very emotional person and i feel so bad when she is upset. she cant travel right now because of the chemo and she wants to come and see me.then my dad didnt really say anything at all. but its all out on the table and its at least a little stress off my shoulders. now i am just freaking out about going in tomorrow. this means traveling way outside my comfort zone, breaking every rule i have, and i cant believe im doing this.
Wednesday, July 11th 2007 @ 8:53 PM
Posted by Mike:
Ashley, I am really proud of you. And I am elated to know that you don’t have to worry your job when you are out of IP. Its also good to konw that you have the stress of telling your parents off your shoulders. And as endearing as it is to see your honest concern for your mothers emotional response to this I think that you should really keep your head in the direction that you’ve aimed it. Way outside your comfort zone, breaking every rule. Like you said. Thing is that that direction is the healthiest direction you can take your mind and body. And sorry I’ve been away from the board for so long. I’ve really missed talking with you and again, I’m really proud of you for doing this. Im with you on this and Im sure others here are too. Keep us updated as much as you can.
Wednesday, July 11th 2007 @ 9:30 PM
Posted by ashley:
mike!!! i have missed you. i saw the doc a couple of hours ago and the other girl isnt being discharged for another couple of hours and i cant leave…lame. so i figured id check this board from my crackberry and its taking a really long time to type so this is going to be very short and sweet. i just saw your post and wanted to say hi and thanks and im glad you’re back. anyway, fuck… i am so scared right now. i even tried calling my parents but they are at the hospital all day for my moms treatments and i forgot to give them the phone number here and i cant call long distance and i forgot to get a calling card. i hate that they are so far away.
Thursday, July 12th 2007 @ 1:15 PM
Posted by Mike:
Hah, ‘crackberry’. Yer funny. ;]

It sucks that you feel scared. I imagine that you probably should feel scared. This is a really big deal. I’ll send you an email in hopes that you can check it while you are there.
Thursday, July 12th 2007 @ 10:23 PM
Posted by Mike:
Hey all,

Im only now dealing properly with what turned out to be a deficiency in both calcium and magnesium. I’ve been dealing with fasciculations in my left eyelid and in my arms and legs. A combination of poor dietary management, insufficent sleep and a ridiculous amount of hiking and rock climbing all went into leeching much of the calcium and magnesium from my body, resulting in the fasciculations. Anyway, it sucked and it really altered my temperment, patience and personality the entire time. I spent a lot of time away from the computer and have neglected many places as well as this one. Which sucks, but when your eye is twitching every 3-5 minutes all day long (and when you go to sleep) it makes it kind of hard to stare at the computer and write out the kind of responses that I like to write. I tend to be reading from several resources as I conjure up what I’d like to say, so I got into the habit of ignoring a lot of stuff in my life simply to try aleveate the symptoms. Anyway, I’m fine now and quite happy about that. I also just got a photograph printed in one of the more respectable rock climbing magazines and also in a non-profit mag that a friend of mine writes for. Plus I’ve got the opportunity to photograph and write an article about a back country climbing area that I’ve been developing for the past year (its the same place I got chased by a bear :). And my goal is to use all the profits made from any photography to buy more and better lenses so I can take even better photographs. So, yeah. Im back….hope others are too. Ashley? Marya? Jessica? anybody?

:]
Thursday, July 19th 2007 @ 1:06 AM
Posted by Mike:
Hey Nikki, are things still going good for you?
Thursday, July 19th 2007 @ 1:08 AM
Posted by cat:
Hi everyone…

Mike, it’s nice to see you’re still posting on here…I hope you’re feeling better now you’ve been…de-fasciculated?

Ashley - well done on seeking treatment. I know from personal experience, as I’m sure a lot of other people on here do, how daunting it is to accept help, even when you’ve managed to realise that you need it. You’re doing the right thing, and it’s incredibly brave…and I hope it all works out well for you.

I’m about to terminate therapy which I’m slightly nervous about…I have one session left, as agreed between myself and my therapist. And although I feel great about where I’ve managed to get to, I’m nervous about not having somewhere to regularly offload and collect myself. Does anyone have any experience with this themselves? I think for me it’s difficult to leave someone I’ve shared so much with, as I normally keep myself to myself…I don’t form attachments easily so the thought of someone who knows so much about me and who I genuinely like leaving my life is…well, weird.

Any comments appreciated…I hope everyone else is doing well X
Saturday, July 21st 2007 @ 8:37 AM
Posted by Mike:
Thanks, Cat. I have been de-fasciculated and it feels great! :]

Its interesting to see how you interpret the reality that you now exist in. Namely, that part of you is confident with the decision that you and your therapist have decided on, but that you are also worried about losing some of personal benefits of talking to someone your trust about these things. I can understand why that would be so valuable to you. Personally, I’ve always hoped that this site could serve that function for many people who either don’t have it or no longer have it. I don’t know how much help I could offer, but you can count on me as a friend. I can promise that I will read and respond to whatever you do talk about. I’d love to see a more productive dialogue happen here. I know that doing that would most likely spur more insightful posts from Marya and its becoming increasingly more obvious to me how much that act means to the many who read this site(more of you lurkers need to speekup!)

Anyway, write back soon.

PS Jessica, please contact me ASAP.
Saturday, July 21st 2007 @ 12:06 PM
Posted by Anonymous:
Hey, Cat. I know that leaving therapy can be rough. But if you can look yourself in the mirror and know that this is the right decision, then you’re doing the right thing. I know that when leaving therapy, treatment, whatever, there’s always the fear that once it’s just you and yourself, maybe the two of you won’t get along so well without a mediator. But I also think that staying in therapy too long can become a crutch. You just have to know yourself and trust the advice of a qualified professional who knows you personally. I think that the sheer fact that you’re reaching this step speaks volumes, and you should feel good about that. And mike’s right (he usually is). This place is an awesome way to let off some steam when you need to. I know I do. So, don’t fret. If anything, I think congratulations are in order. Stay well, and keep in touch ok?
Sunday, July 22nd 2007 @ 1:00 PM
Posted by Marya:
It’s a grey day here in Minneapolis, a welcome breezy break from the mad heat that’s been beating down on us the last couple of weeks.

My life right now seems to be all jumbled and chaotic—too many things going on all at once. But soon enough it’s all done with, and finally I get to dive into the (seemingly millions) of books I’m reading to get ready to write the new novel.

This is it, folks: this week is the very last week of edits on the new memoir, and then it GOES AWAY, and I leave it to the forces that be to do with it as they may. Feels extremely weird, but I feel like if I spend one more minute with it my head will start spinning like the girl in the Exorcist. Which is a truly horrible scene. So I’ll skip it.

I know it’s gotten quiet on the board lately—it always ebbs and flows, and the new website will, I SWEAR, be up by September, and that will be a different sort of site, so there will be a more diverse crowd gathering here as the new book comes out and things get rolling again. In the meantime, I’ve got an idea—let’s talk a little about the books we’re reading. Another thing: maybe everybody could post a passage or a line from something they’ve read that has made them think in a new way, given them hope, or just opened their eyes.

Reading right now: A pretty incredible book about 9/11 called “Falling Man,” by Don DeLillo (author of Underworld and White Noise). The way he uses dialogue is fascinating, and the number of perspectives he’s woven together this time is as well.

Line for the day: “There is no struggle that doesn’t have an inherent lesson. Let’s not run from a struggle today, but be grateful for what we have the opportunity to learn.”

I’ll be away for a few weeks—buried in editing, then out of town, then moving—but will be back in early August. I look forward to coming back to some of your thoughts.

Peace, and be well—
Marya
Sunday, July 22nd 2007 @ 2:41 PM
Posted by Mike:
From “Skeptics and True Believers” by Chet Raymo:

“Knowledge is an island in a sea of mystery. The metaphor takes its power from the firmly held fact: We live in a unisverse that is infinite, or effectively so. Our brains are finite, a mere 100 billion nerve cells. Our mental maps of the world are therefore necessarily finite. As time passes, the scale and detail of our maps increase, but they no more exhaust the world-scape they describe than a map of the Grand Canyon depletes the power of that natural chasm to astonish and surprise.”
Sunday, July 22nd 2007 @ 11:31 PM
Posted by Jessica:
“As for her, she had thought, in words, that this was truly the only time in her life when her attention had all been gathered in one place - body, mind, and whatever dreams or makes images. Then the images took over. She had always a very vague imagining of the inner spaces of her body, dark interior flesh, black-red, red-black, flexible and shifting, larger than she had imagined hereself from the outside, with no kind of graspable perspective, no apparent limits. This inner world had its own clear landscape. It grew with precise assurance, light out of dark, sapphire rising in the black-red, wandering in rooted caverns…They have their own lights, Virgil said of his underworld, and this too, however bright, knowing it was seen against dark, had risen out of dark, was in the warm dark. It was seen, not with the memory’s eye for recollection or recognition, but with the blind boy’s vision. She was this world and walked in it, strayed lingering and rapid between the line of leaves and the line of sand and the line of fine water, the line perpetually glittering and falling, perpetually renewed.”
-A. S. Byatt
Monday, July 23rd 2007 @ 12:53 AM
Posted by Wenche:
Marya, you do not want to be working with accounting, believe me! :)That has been my job for the last 12 years, and I can`t quite picture you doing it…:-?

It`s been a long time since I`ve posted anything, but I am still checking in from time to time. Catherine, are you still here…? Hope that you are doing well.

It is a crazy summer here in Norway with raining almost every day for the last two months…

As for books, I recommend Susan Forwards “Men who hates women, and the women who love them” - of course for people with a special interest for the subject

Wish you all a nice summer!!

WC:)
Monday, July 23rd 2007 @ 2:45 AM
Posted by cat:
Oh, I like this…

I will have to post my quote tomorrow as I am too lazy to make the trip upstairs right now to fetch the book I need. But post I will. And the quote will be from ‘The Raw Shark Texts’ by Steven Hall, which is a great book - really inventive and original.

Aside from that, I bought the new Harry Potter book at midnight on Friday and stayed up until I’d read it for fear of having the plot spoiled…it was rilliant, but am unsure about the ending. Has anyone else read it yet? Any thoughts?
Tuesday, July 24th 2007 @ 3:40 PM
Posted by polly:
I am on vacation this week; finished Harry Potter this afternoon. Won’t give it away, it is great!!!!
Tuesday, July 24th 2007 @ 8:27 PM
Posted by ashley:
im back! i got out of the hospital today and start partial tomorrow for 6 weeks which is monday through friday all day long. im nervous but it cant be half as bad as the hospital was…fuck. it was physically and emotionally painful. but i learned a lot and put a lot of things into perspective once my head cleared a little. when i got there my heart rate had somehow fallen to 29 and its really scary now that i think about it. but whats fucked up is that it didnt bother me at the time i was more pissed off that it no longer was my choice. i had to stay until i was medically stable. but now im glad i did it. my family came and the staff was really helpful as far as educating them and they came to family therapy which sucked but i think it will be beneficial in the long run. so anyway i got home and weighed myself even though i tried really hard not to and freaked out. i went mental for a few minutes but somehow managed to pull myself together and sat down and ate my fucking dinner according to my meal plan (which i still dont trust but i trust that my dietician is not going to make me fat so i am following it anyway) and then knitted compulsively until it was time for HS snack. i am feeling so intense right now im just trying to ride it out until partial tomorrow morning. and i did not use symptoms and i am very proud of myself. but at the same time i feel guilty for doing what i am supposed to be doing because i have my ed throwing a tantrum in my head because i am disobeying it. i am so very confused and scared right now. i hated being in the hospital but i am so nervous about being back out in the real world. fuck. ok rant over. ill write more tomorrow. i just need to go to bed.
Tuesday, July 24th 2007 @ 8:47 PM
Posted by Mike:
Hi Ashley,

Its really good to hear from you. I am also quite proud of how well you are dealing with all of this. I think its great how you are addressing these problems with emphasis on the dichotomous nature of it. Mostly for the fact the in your words and your actions you are combating the genuinely destructive side of that dichotomy. Its almost like there is a part of you that is surprised at how much you are taking these acts seriously, like how you say “somehow managed to pull myself together and sat down and ate my fucking dinner according to my meal plan”.

Ill keep thinking about you while you are there and please keep in touch as much as possible. Looking forward to hearing more about how it went.

:]
Tuesday, July 24th 2007 @ 11:56 PM
Posted by Mike:
Hi Polly,

Glad to see you’re still lurking around. My roomate devoured the new HP in the better part of the afternoon and loved it. And I read that its been banned from the NYT best seller list, which is kinda crazy. Anyway, how are you doing lately?
Tuesday, July 24th 2007 @ 11:58 PM
Posted by cat:
Ashley - you’re doing so great. I understand the weirdness between wanting to do what you know is right and healthy and wanting to retreat into the familiarity of sickness…Just keep struggling against the negative urges. Every time you do it lends you a little more confidence and makes the next struggle that much easier. Promise. X
Wednesday, July 25th 2007 @ 3:17 PM
Posted by Polly:
Doing great at the moment. I have periods of time where work consumes my life for a while, then things slow down a bit. I am on vacation as I said right now, so just trying to kick back and enjoy life for a week. Thanks for asking.
Wednesday, July 25th 2007 @ 7:04 PM
Posted by Tatiana:
I haven’t been here for a goodly while, but I’m glad to see people writing… and glad to see some posts from Marya :). I’m… well, I’d call it struggling, only I’m not fighting all that hard to get out of it. Which is possibly bad, although I don’t see it as even remotely bad right now.

That being s